Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

210 replies

30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 20:34

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

OP posts:
Rainycloudyday · 16/05/2019 20:57

It sounds like this isn’t the real issue, just a symptom of wider problems for you and how you feel in your marriage. How old are the children? It jumped out at me that they’re old enough to have an opinion on being left with a babysitter but that they still don’t sleep. Are you just worn to shit from longer-term sleep deprivation and struggling with everything as a result?

TeddybearBaby · 16/05/2019 20:58

You sound really lonely op. I don’t think this is even about the trip in a way. Exhausted and lonely is what’s jumping out at me. I’m sure there is some compromise somewhere if you talk 💐

Expressedways · 16/05/2019 20:58

You’re being completely unreasonable. Of course an adult should be able to take the occasional night for themselves. It’s healthy and completely normal. I would suggest that you plan on doing the same sometime soon- it really sounds like you need it! And I’d find a trustworthy babysitter pronto, bribe the kids with sugary treats they don’t normally get so they don’t whinge and go and have an evening together doing something you both enjoy. Being a martyr benefits no one, least of all you.

lazyarse123 · 16/05/2019 20:59

Are your children the bosses in your house? How much time would you realistically spend together if he did drive home? Surely you would be asleep by the time he arrived home. He is entitled to some me time as are you, but you would rather be a martyr.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 20:59

Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter

I don't understand this.
Why do children get a say? They don't get asked if they want a babysitter they get told.

Chardonnaydays · 16/05/2019 21:00

How can he take you away for romantic meals, holidays etc if the kids won't go with a baby sitter
He had booked a night away for you 2, at a hotel, the gig is a 2/3 hour thing, you would have got at least double that with him , in a hotel , not at home...you declined, you can't be annoyed at all

GabsAlot · 16/05/2019 21:01

You didnt want to go fine but he asked you-why cant he have the night away still

How can he book it anyway if you dont ever want to leave the kids

KickAssAngel · 16/05/2019 21:02

Have you got to the stage where you're just so tired that you're just miserable.

You sound unhappy, but he doesn't sound horrible. Working nights is a killer (or so I've heard) so wanting some time to have fun, and choosing you to be with him, seems perfectly reasonable.

I think you need to make some time for the 2 of you away from the kids. Even if you just sleep and have a nice meal, you need to relax together.

starzig · 16/05/2019 21:02

He wants to go. You don't. Kids don't want babysitter. He goes you watch your kids. Easy.

cuppycakey · 16/05/2019 21:03

You say he booked "tickets" so has that money gone to waste for the ticket he bought you? Do you really hate the band?

How old are your DC and what are you doing to address their sleep issues?

How would he react if you booked a night away for yourself?

Why is it up to him to book holidays? Do you not have access to family money?

GeoffreyEatsPancakes · 16/05/2019 21:04

There are clearly separate issues.

He works shifts, are you both happy with this?
Do you get to book a night away yourself? If not why not?
You want your Dh to book a night away with you.
Your children have sleep issues.

issue number 3 can't be solved if you won't leave the children with a babysitter or someone else but also why does he have to surprise you with this? Why can't you have a discussion starting with, let's go away for a night together, just us, no children?

And yes, he has every right to go and see the band, you need to book yourself a night away, leave him with the children to put them to bed etc. Do you ever leave him alone with the children or are you always doing family time meaning he never gets a chance to be solely in charge?

Confusedteacher · 16/05/2019 21:05

Why didn’t you want to go? I would put up with a band I’m not particularly into to have a fun night away with DP- drinks and dinner beforehand, night in a hotel... sounds lovely!

I think you are equally entitled to time away though, so how about you pick something YOU want to do, either with DP or without and arrange it. It sounds like you have babysitters available?

Lazypuppy · 16/05/2019 21:06

YABU
How old are you're children? Why have you 'asked' them if they want to stay with the babysitter, you're the parent!

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 16/05/2019 21:06

Can you ask him to take care of the kids while you have a day/night off?
Me and my partner swap like this. He goes out, and then I go out to do things I like to do which he does not.

AuntieStella · 16/05/2019 21:06

I think YABU on this one. He gave you six months notice of one night away.

That you have no social or romantic life with him is a separate issue. And from the sounds of it, one that needs attention. So do not let yourself get diverted by this.

You would not mind if:
a) the balance of domestic duties did not leave you with permanent resentment. Stop bending over backwards - it's making you miserable
b) you had your own night away every six months or so
c) you and he actually had a social life together. Which means sometimes saying 'yes' to his suggestions, or at least saying 'no' in an positive way ('No, you know I don't really like that band, but OtherBandWeBothLike is playing that venue a month later - shalll we do that one instead

Walkingdeadfangirl · 16/05/2019 21:07

You were invited, you said no.

Just arrange a night away for yourself at another time.

DrWhy · 16/05/2019 21:07

I’d be tempted to tell the kids to put up with the babysitter (age dependant) then go with him, skip the band, have a soak in the bath and an early night, probably get woken when he comes in but at least that’s only once then have a long lie in before you go home.
I do totally understand why you are fed up though, you will have spent all week working full time in the day, dealing with dinner, bed and bath then been up and down all night while he wakes up, deals with just himself, goes to work, comes home and gets a full day of sleep in a quiet empty house. Then at the weekend he goes and has a fun time for himself and gets a full night of sleep in the hotel room while you get to deal with the nighttime he’ll again.
To the PP who said it makes no difference if he comes home, I can assure you it does when you have non sleeping children! Trying to get one to sleep while another is wailing at you from a different room is exhausting and soul destroying.
In normal circumstances yes, you are both entitied to a night away, together or apart. However it is kind of the one going away to try to do it when the other is moderately rested and able to cope rather than off the back of a period of effectively solo parenting.
Is he around to do the night wakings the night after? Maybe he gets his night away and then you at least get a night of sleep with earplugs!

SecretWitch · 16/05/2019 21:09

Why not go and have a nice dinner, see him off to the show and then bath, book or movie in bed for you? I would love that.

Not to sound snarky but why are your children dictating to you about the baby sitting thing?

KatherineJaneway · 16/05/2019 21:10

Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter

Tough. Sometimes it is what is it.

SecretWitch · 16/05/2019 21:10

OH snap DrWhy!

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/05/2019 21:11

You were asked to go and said no. You made your choice and be made his. You’ve had SIX MONTHS to get used to the idea and come up with something you’d like to do on one of the 51 other weekends in the year.

You’re complaining about the lack of a romantic weekend away, yet you’ve never organised one yourself. You also say your children don’t want a babysitter. Why would they mysteriously be happy with it for an entire weekend when, at the moment, they won’t even be happy with it for one night?

Or perhaps you might ‘encourage’ them to be happier if it facilitated something YOU wanted to do?

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/05/2019 21:11

I think if you can afford it, then yes, in many ways he does have the "right" to time away from the family, as do you if you want it. I don't necessarily think he has a right to this particular night away, but you seem to be indicating that he should never be able to go off for a night and I think that's pretty controlling and unreasonable.

I understand you feel you do too much of the grunt work with the kids because of his shift work - this is something to talk about, if you're exhausted it's the shift work or the support you receive to help with that that needs to change, not stopping your partner from having the odd night elsewhere.

Original poster
30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 21:12

I had the option to go but it really isn’t my cup of tea.

I am not needy (the very opposite in fact). We are very used to him not being around. I am miserable though and feel that rather than it being a partnership, it is me doing all the giving. I am not a martyr.

He just doesn’t seem to think family time is important. I have a demanding job and would like down time at the weekend. The kids are heavily dependent on me as am their one constant. They see DP if and when. For this reason, our weekends (when they happen) together are important. I’d love to have him home at 5pm each night!

Booking a night away for myself isn’t an option - I work during the week, he works at the weekend. He sometimes has weekends off but his days off are often during the week which means I can catch up and work late.

Add in to this that he booked his annual leave without looking at the dc’s school holiday list or my annual leave (booked around the dc’s holiday pattern) we have very little time off together.

OP posts:
Thinkinghappythoughts · 16/05/2019 21:13

I think the word "entitled" is being completely misused. It is totally inappropriate for him to go away without an agreement from the OP. They are a couple and discussion and compromise should be used.

He wanted to see a band she didn't want to. Knew that and went ahead anyway and paid for it. Then says he is "entitled" like a teenager. I'd be fuming, not saying go on enjoy yourself.

I agree with other pp that there are wider issues that need to addressed. But here is an example of him not listening and acting selfishly. Seems as if happens at other times.

SpaceCadet4000 · 16/05/2019 21:13

This really doesn't sound like an unreasonable thing for your DP to want to do. It's not an unreasonable frequency, and he's obviously passionate about the band.

Why not have a night away yourself?

And there's no rule that you can't suggest a romantic getaway and then work together to find something mutually fulfilling.