Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

210 replies

30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 20:34

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

OP posts:
kidsmakesomuchwashing · 16/05/2019 21:27

Why does he need your permission to go away for a night? MyDH has nights out / away. I always find it easier if we go out separately saves any hassle with kids / babysitters.

AliciaWhiskers · 16/05/2019 21:28

Sounds very much like me and my ex husband. The issue isn’t the night away - that’s just the straw that has broken the camel’s back. The wider problem sounds as though you are at the end of your tether with kids who don’t sleep, a busy life, and a husband who isn’t around, and when he is, puts himself and his needs in front of yours and the kids.

In my experience, the resentment just grows and grows and grows. Tackle the wider issues, don’t focus on the one thing that has brought it all to a head.

Dieu · 16/05/2019 21:28

YABU.

RightYesButNo · 16/05/2019 21:29

So your DC don’t want a babysitter and they never sleep, but they’re old enough to be in school based on your last comment. If they’re neurotypical, then you have a DC problem, in addition to maybe (or maybe not) a DH problem, and it needs sorting. They don’t decide if they have a babysitter - you do. And you mention you’re the “one constant in their lives.” Confused Er, too much pressure to put on yourself. If they attend a school, have friends, have each other, do any activity at all, they have LOTS of constants, even if their father has a shifting schedule.

You sound very devoted to your family. It just also sounds like you’re falling into the trap of becoming a martyr to them, and that will only lead to anxiety (with your DC) and resentment (toward your DH). You need to do whatever you need to stop the cycle now.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/05/2019 21:29

He's not unreasonable to want a night away. But you should do it too. I also think you're being a bit martyrish - he doesn't consider the schedules but you do - so find out when he's next off overnight and the following day, TELL him you're making plans for yourself and book a day off. Or, book it for the rare weekend when he's not working.

It's ok to do stuff for yourself sometimes. He sounds selfish, I don't disagree with that, but you can and should carve out time for yourself. It is every bit as important as spending time with your kids.

thegreatcrestednewt · 16/05/2019 21:29

He booked his annual leave without checking with you when would work best?? Why on Earth? When did he book it for?

Op, I can see why you’re upset. Doesn’t sound like you get any time to yourself, and your h is happy to book tickets to something he wants to do, but doesn’t make the effort to arrange anything nice for you.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/05/2019 21:30

Yabu.

As long as it isn’t too frequently I think each person is entitled to a night away to recharge. Anyway, he wanted you to go with him.

thegreatcrestednewt · 16/05/2019 21:30

You’ve had some harsh responses here, I think. Ignore them!

Original poster
30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 21:32

thinkinghappythoughts you are possibly the only poster who has understood. Thank you. And yes, there are wider issues

No discussion, no compromise, just does what he wants to do as always, with a total disregard for his family. This is not the only example, just the latest.

He is incredibly selfish and because I always put everyone else first, it seems to allow him to do whatever he likes because I always pick up the pieces and fill the gaps.

OP posts:
cucumberandcarrot · 16/05/2019 21:34

Give him a break!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 21:34

So deal with the actual issues in your screwed up marriage. But don't cut your nose off to spite your face.
This is a night away in a hotel.

Tinkety · 16/05/2019 21:36

OP are you deliberately avoiding the question about how old the children are?

MsJaneAusten · 16/05/2019 21:37

Sounds like this is about waaaaay more than one night away. How old are the kids? When did you last have a night away? (With or without him?) Flowers

spreadingchestnuttree · 16/05/2019 21:40

I get it OP. He's booked something he wants to do and expected you to tag along. This is not an a trip for the two of you, it's for him-and so why would you waste a babysitting credit on it. He is seeing this band two otter times in a 12 month period so it's not like it's a one off. He is being a selfish arse who CBA to do something for you.

I don't know why AIBU is so full of cunts who pretend they don't get it and make out like the OP is being a twat. But they are cunts. Ignore them.

^ This!

You might find more understanding posters on the Relationships board. Flowers

Laura221 · 16/05/2019 21:41

Well maybe you should suck it up and spend some time alone together whether you like the band or not having some couple.time together sounds like just what you need. Having children doesn't mean your whole life revolves around them, your oh seems to have got that so maybe you need to start doing things for yourself too.

thegreatcrestednewt · 16/05/2019 21:42

Oi @30ishiwish, I sympathise too!

theyellowjumper · 16/05/2019 21:46

This sounds like my friend's dh who often books something he wants to do like a band he likes or a classic car event, offers to take my friend, who would be bored and not enjoy herself, she says no, then when they argue about her not getting any downtime he says "but I offered to take you to x and you said no!"

He does sound insensitive, but I sort of think it's ok for him to go, but it would also be ok for you to book a night away to go and do something you want to do. But don't do it as a tit for tat, just go because you sound like a break would do you good. A few months ago I went to Bath and stayed in a Premier Inn for a night on my own. Loved it. Went to all the Roman and Regency museums and sights, enjoyed a night on my own, I even enjoyed the train journey. My dh would not have enjoyed it at all, but does go away to sports events sometimes. We all need time to pursue our own interests and recharge. It's fine for your dh to do this, but he should recognise that you also need time to recharge.

Lilymossflower · 16/05/2019 21:50

I think you should find out his next weekend off, and book your self a hotel room at a spa somewhere pretty and far away for that weekend. Don't ask his permission , and say your entitled to a relaxing bit of you time (because you are :)

phoenixrosehere · 16/05/2019 21:54

Seems the real issue is that he doesn’t have much consideration for you unless it is on his terms. He booked an event HE enjoys, not something you both would enjoy. Yes, he should be able to go away but from the sounds of things he gets a lot of time to himself compared to you and uses how much HE works and his hours compared to yours against you. Kind of sounds like he booked it on purpose, knowing you wouldn’t want to go by your comments if he has never booked something you would both like.

Spending time together should be doing something you BOTH enjoy and it’s not like he won’t be seeing this band again.

Original poster
30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 21:54

Very harsh and very unfair replies. Thank you to the few kind posters.

I have deliberately not stated ages as it would be outing. Have had serious sleep issues with my eldest child (now resolved due to cbt and counselling) and now my youngest is copying the eldest child’s behaviour. Absolutely exhausting- one won’t go to sleep until the early hours, the other is awake at the crack of dawn. Hence the reason why they don’t want to sleep at a babysitters. This was also the case 6 months ago.

Previous poster who asked about finances/booking holidays. I organise/do everything - birthdays, Christmas, bills, house, doctors, cars, decorating, holidays, days out, school, xyz, hobbies, grandparents , you name it, I do it. I also earn far more than dp. We’ve got a leak in the utility room - this will not be fixed until I ring someone.

Thank you for you opinions.

OP posts:
steff13 · 16/05/2019 21:58

Well, if you take a night away on the weekend, does it matter if they don't sleep that night? Just warn the babysitter.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/05/2019 21:59

OP: ask for this to be moved to relationships. It doesn't sound like a marriage to me, more a single parent with a lodger.

Everydayimhuffling · 16/05/2019 22:01

Why don't you tell him what you want? Instead of saying no to him going, you could say, "in x weeks I want to go away by myself to y, so you will need to be available to parent the children'. You say he does what he wants and you put everyone else first, but you don't actually have to do that. You can tell him what you need.

Tbh, I would be telling him he needs to at least try to change his annual leave as well, and making it clear that I expect him to cover some of the school holidays next year.

NoSquirrels · 16/05/2019 22:01

Get divorced, OP.

If you’re at the stage that you’re major wage earner, chief parent and doer-if-all-the-things and the prospect of a night away with your husband in a hotel is unappealing, then there’s no point being together. I mean that kindly.

You could try counselling but if he’s as selfish as you think it won’t matter.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 16/05/2019 22:02

I don't know why AIBU is so full of cunts who pretend they don't get it and make out like the OP is being a twat. But they are cunts. Ignore them.

So anyone who thinks the OP is wrong is being deliberately obtuse and is a cunt? Christ, the concept of irony completely passed you by, didn’t it?