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Original poster

DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

210 replies

30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 20:34

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 17/05/2019 02:56

Selfish Prick.

Him, not you.

aatwi · 17/05/2019 03:39

He should be able to take a night away. As should you.

IronManisnotDead · 17/05/2019 04:27

Yes YABU, if you do not want to go means he should not go either. You sound like hard work.

stayathomer · 17/05/2019 04:31

OP while some people aren't being great, you are only hearing what you want to hear. I get the not sleeping and doing all the juggling is tough but whether it's his choice of activity or not, he did want you to go with him and either or both of you do deserve a break. He's working nights so you both have it tough. You need some respite and you need to talk about how you feel you do everything or else nothing will ever change and you'll just get more and more bitter. ( Go to the concert. Just take the time away) and you can take some time off, everyone has to at some stage

SignedUpJust4This · 17/05/2019 04:51

I hear you OP. If this was just a one off where he tried to book a romantic night away and you were pissed off because you don't like the particular band then you would sound unreasonable.

However this is just another example of his selfish and thoughtless behaviour.

You spend your weeks exhausted, working and looking after 2 sleepless kids. Doing bedtimes alone every night etc.

He has mostly peaceful days looking after only himself. He doesn't appreciate how hard it is for you. Doesn't want to help much at weekends and doesn't even consult you when booking his leave. When he does book something for the two of you it's actually all about him and what he feels 'entitled' to. He's a selfish prick. You do sound very tired and lonely.

There are a lot of Dad's out there who always put themselves first. It would help if you could try to be more selfish but where would the kids be with 2 selfish parents right?

I would demand oafter his night away that he books some leave and has the kids all to himself while you go away for a couple of nights to give him a taste of how hard it is.

In your return I would tell home he has 6 months to start being an equal parent and thoughtful partner or you will be separating. He needs to know how unhappy you are. Try to frame your language to him as 'I need your help with...'. I red somewhere they like to feel heroic saving the damsel in distress. Hmm

Speak to a real life friend or family member. You need a hug.

IronManisnotDead · 17/05/2019 04:56

Omg saying your DC ages is outing????
There are millions of kids out there, my god just keep moping and moaning OP, seriously get a grip, single parents have to get on with it Hmm

SignedUpJust4This · 17/05/2019 05:12

But she's not a single parent. She has a 'partner' although he is not an equal 'partner'. If she was a single parent at least she wouldn't have to face being constantly let down by the one person in the world who should care most about her.

stayathomer · 17/05/2019 05:22

Who says she has to demand her own time. Maybe her dh does offer it and he gets refused! Mother's can be martyrs and then expect dad's to be the same but instead they take what they can, possibly because they know how detrimental it can be to never get out.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 17/05/2019 05:26

Initially I thought YWBU OP, but given that you work too AND pick up all the slack for childcare, organising everything and your DP appears oblivious to the extra load you're carrying I don't think YABU.

Taken out of context 1 night away isn't unreasonable, but given that you're carrying the mental load of everything as well as working I think he's being quite unfair.

So is there anyone who the children would be happy with (grandparents, friends) overnight and you could book yourself a night away at the same time? Either that or your DP taking annual leave later on to give you a break?

Parenting should be a team effort, and it very much sounds like in your house it's you who has sole responsibility for it, which really isn't fair.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 17/05/2019 05:29

Also, I feel like there are posters who aren't understanding how exhausting it is when your children don't sleep.

It's not easy, it's like having a newborn (constant broken sleep, never knowing when or if you'll get a block of sleep) except everyone expects you to be past that stage and not exhausted. It's ludicrous. We've had 3 bad sleepers, and only now are we able to sleep through the night most nights. It's hard fucking going.

otterturk · 17/05/2019 05:29

I couldn't be in a relationship where I couldn't go away for ONE NIGHT without getting a load of grief

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2019 05:45

It sounds as if this is symptomatic of wider problems. It is disgusting that a parent books his annual leave when he wishes. It’s normal for parents to share holiday cover for their dcs. This is far worse than the night away.

Just because he’s a man he shouldn’t necessarily be responsible for booking a night away. Couldn’t you also book a romantic night away though?

You sound absolutely exhausted. For your own mental health I think oh need some time to yourself. You cannot be the constant you want to be for your children if you are so completely frazzled. I think you should book some time alone in a hotel tbh, preferably two nights. And make sure it is sooner rather than later - the next time he has two days off together.

wichitalinemanswoman · 17/05/2019 06:01

You sound selfish OP. It's one night.

BackwardsGoing · 17/05/2019 06:23

OP, I'd start a new thread. The concert isn't the problem, your entire relationship is.

The only advice I can give you in the short term is to stop doing anything for him - laundry, wifework etc and do anything to give yourself a break.Thanks

Namaste6 · 17/05/2019 06:46

Ok everyone - lay off. It's the broader picture that OP is concerned and upset about. Start a new thread OP. I get where you're coming from, regardless of the invitation,

Original poster
30ishiwish · 17/05/2019 06:47

Going to the gig isn’t the issue, it’s just the straw that broke the camels back.

DP, like many who have read my posts, doesn’t understand. He’ll go regardless of what I think anyway so I’m wasting my breath and energy.

Thank you for your replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
30ishiwish · 17/05/2019 06:57

wichitalinemanswoman why write such a nasty comment?

I’m really not selfish. Far from it. I think this is at the heart of the problem. The more I’d do and give, the more he takes.

After reading some of the replies and advice I’ve had, I intend to be selfish in the future and put myself and my own wants and needs before his.

OP posts:
DizzySue · 17/05/2019 07:03

Of course he's entitled to a night away, but so are you.

You do sound quite selfish I'm afraid.

PookieDo · 17/05/2019 07:03

Sorry I was one of the people who didn’t think one night was a big deal and I see there is a much bigger picture but forcing him to stay home would not solve anything, does that make sense? It would then add his resentment to your resentment. In the context of someone going away 2 nights in one year for their own hobby/interest I would say that is acceptable but you have so many more issues than the concert,

Him staying home wouldn’t change anything by the sounds of it he’s not helpful and he’s not considerate and he’s not listening to you

I think it is worth considering whether you have a tendency to be a martyr and not in a negative insulting way but in a reflective way. How can you make changes to your life if you don’t really delve into yourself and your own dynamics as much as you delve into why he is selfish

Are you and the DC happy? What is causing the sleep issues? Is this anything that can be addressed?

treenu · 17/05/2019 07:09

I feel for you, it sounds awful and at times we have some of these issues.

I hope you can use this as a reason to push forwards. Being the main breadwinner and organiser in a relationship can be a thankless task. The difference in our pay causes a lot of tension so these things get brushed under the carpet.

His selfishness should be highlighted to him. When I have felt this desperate I think I even told dp that I felt indifferent as to whether we were together or not as he brought nothing to family life.

I'm lucky that things have improved somewhat over the last 6 months but I can't rely that this will be a permanent change....

Oblomov19 · 17/05/2019 07:23

He's right. He's entitled to a night away. He wanted to see a band, you didn't. 'He booked them anyway' - you sound controlling and too dependant.

If the children don't sleep?
If he isn't romantic towards you and hasn't taken you away for a romantic weekend?

Then that are 2 more unrelated issues, nothing to do with the band issue.

Why haven't you told him how you feel about these 3 separate issues?

Isthisit22 · 17/05/2019 07:25

Totally understand that you are feeling miserable due to his selfish behaviour but you are being a bit of a martyr.

Saying you can't go away due to him not being off much at the weekends is not true. Next time he is off- you do something for you. Stop worrying about spending that time together as 'family time'. If he is not bothered about that then why should you be- that is where you are being a martyr.

Alternatively end this relationship as whilst I was typing the above I realised that it was pretty awful that it has got to the stage of tit for tat.

Oblomov19 · 17/05/2019 07:27

To add to my previous post: I go away on nights away all the time, with my 'girlfriends'. You should do the same.
Why don't you? You sound like some sort of martyr.

Pinkprincess1978 · 17/05/2019 07:42

How old are your children? My two (well oldest really) sometimes don't want a babysitter especially if that sitter is granny and involves sleeping at granny's house. You know what? It's tough! If we need a night out or a night away we do it and they duck it up.

If you really hate the band then go away with him and let him go and see the band and you chill in the hotel or go see a film. You can have a nice meal together before he goes and enjoy a leisurely breakfast in the morning.

Pinkprincess1978 · 17/05/2019 07:42

How old are your children? My two (well oldest really) sometimes don't want a babysitter especially if that sitter is granny and involves sleeping at granny's house. You know what? It's tough! If we need a night out or a night away we do it and they duck it up.

If you really hate the band then go away with him and let him go and see the band and you chill in the hotel or go see a film. You can have a nice meal together before he goes and enjoy a leisurely breakfast in the morning.