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Original poster

DP ‘entitled’ to have a night away from his family

210 replies

30ishiwish · 16/05/2019 20:34

DP asked me a while ago to go and watch a band I don’t like in a city 30 miles away. I said no. He booked tickets and a hotel room regardless.

Fast forward six months. Our children do not want to spend the night with a babysitter(not that I ever wanted to watch this band in the first place) and he is going alone. I work full time, our children do not sleep. Ever.

AIBU to not want him to leave me and our two DC mid afternoon on Saturday to go and stay in a hotel over night after watching the gig when he could drive home? He said he is entitled to have a night away.

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted.

OP posts:
Surfskatefamily · 16/05/2019 21:13

He did try to take you for a night away and you dont want to go. I think it is harsh to guilt him over it. Plenty of notice.
I was happy for my oh to go to a music festival when my lo was 3months old. Its good for relationships to allow a break.

PookieDo · 16/05/2019 21:14

Too much going on here
Honestly seems like a no win situation

You can’t moan he never does anything nice, but when he does book something you refuse to go, then also add in that you can’t leave DC with a sitter anyway so therefore he can’t go either?

You need to unpick the real issue. Trying to make him stay with you for the night out of resentment will strangle your marriage

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/05/2019 21:14

Background information: Dp works shifts so I spend a lot of time with our two DC alone and I bend over backwards to ensure that the time we do spend together is enjoyable. I’m shattered. He has never, in the 10 years we have been together, taken me away, booked a romantic weekend etc yet he can book tickets for football and music and even a hotel room. Feeling miserable and taken for granted. this is the bit that jumped out at me. Being taken for granted can suck the life out of a relationship. Yes of course you both have the right to watch a band, go to footy or the pictures whatever. But I get the feeling that he thinks his "rights" trump yours. and everyone saying. "Well you had the chance to go" why waste valuable child free time doing something you don't enjoy? And I also get the feeling that op values shared family time above alone time.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 16/05/2019 21:14

So you're children are old enough to be in school?

Then they can be told to suck it up and that mummy and daddy want to go and have some fun.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 16/05/2019 21:14

I agree with PPs you should go have a nice dinner, then either go the gig or back to the hotel to relax, have a long lie in get some brunch go home. Have some time as a couple, it won't harm your children to be with a babysitter for one night! You sound like you've fallen into the time of martyr, it won't make you happy

Surfskatefamily · 16/05/2019 21:15

I mean a break from day to day life....not break from relationship. Just re-read tgat and realised it could be taken wrong

SparklesAndUnicorns · 16/05/2019 21:16

I'm not sure why you are upset? You could have both gone and you said no it's not like he just planned to go without you and didn't say anything. In my opinion you should have gone everybody needs a break and everybody deserves one. I wouldn't be mad about it I think you ABU I'm afraid

Jellybabiesarebabies · 16/05/2019 21:16

I think you're being unreasonable tbh. He should be able to go and do things like that. Likewise, you should be able to as well.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/05/2019 21:16

Oh FFS, get a babysitter and go and do something you like doing, rather than turning yourself into a whining funsponge. Your kids won't die from spending an evening with a babysitter, and you will feel a lot better if you get some time off.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/05/2019 21:16

I’m not sure he is bu. He’s booked something for you both and you declined.

You could book something you want to do, invite him, if he doesn’t want to go, then you go yourself.

You are BOTH entitled to a night off

Whisky2014 · 16/05/2019 21:17

Yabu

TeddybearBaby · 16/05/2019 21:17

How old are the kids? Have I missed it?

whittingtonmum · 16/05/2019 21:18

I honestly don't think there is such a thing as "entitlement" as a parent to spend the night away from your children with an automatic expectation that the other parent picks up the slack.

However it's perfectly ok to discuss what things one parent would like to do (incl night away) and if this would work for the other parent and if this would be difficult what kind of arrangement could be made which works for both.

Discussing and finding an arrangement which works for both - yes. Entitlement to have one's way regardless - no for both sides.

jaseyraex · 16/05/2019 21:18

I would have gone when be offered and endured the band tbh. DH has came with me several times to see my favourite band in London when he has no interest in them, but I see them every time they are in the UK. We have fun, we have dinner beforehand, we have drinks, we laugh, we get a night to ourselves in a nice hotel. Its great and about so much more than just seeing the band.
If you don't want to go with DH then go and have a night off somewhere on your own. Or try and suggest something you would both enjoy. You're not unreasonable to want family time or time with him, but you are unreasonable to be resenting him for going when he asked you to go with him and you declined.

Trebla · 16/05/2019 21:18

You are being unreasonable. You've had lots of notice, were invited and declined and he has taken on the emotional loss of booking it all, you just dont want to go. Now I understand being pushed to your limits, but what is coming across your need to do everything together or not at all is quite frankly unhealthy and a bit controlling.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/05/2019 21:19

Also, when you have small DC who don't sleep well, time to yourself is far more important than 'family time' which is generally a matter of everyone stropping because you're all overtired.

Trebla · 16/05/2019 21:19

Load not loss

Ariela · 16/05/2019 21:20

You could
a) book babysitter/palm kids off to grandparents or relatives and have a weekend away.
b) Arrange extra accomodation with the hotel, take the kids with you, DH goes to band, you stay with the kids, then have a day out as a family the next day.

mogtheexcellent · 16/05/2019 21:20

OP I completely understand. you sound knackererd. Its hell living with someone on nights if your little ones dont sleep well. You need respite from this. My DH is a farmer currently doing lambing and by the end of harvest in the Autumn I am so shattered from doing everything kids and house and you could offer me Tom Hardy on a plate and I'd still whinge and grump about it.

It doesnt look like this weekends plans are going to change so you need to start making proactive plans for a break for you. Either extra help during the day or some time to yourself at night.

GetUpAgain · 16/05/2019 21:21

I worked full time around DH shifts when our DC were smaller. Its fucking knackering, you have to be on top of everything all the time, never get a break. Yet the shift worker gets time during the week while kids at school. Its REALLY hard.

It sounds like your DH has no concept what your life is like compared to his. He could have suggested a night away for you both, doing something you actually LIKE. I'd be utterly fucked off in OP shoes.

NCforthis2019 · 16/05/2019 21:23

Sorry - but you do sound needy. And please - you mention your children 'never sleep ever' - dramatic much?! Thats impossible - they have to sleep or they would not survive. My first daughter was the worse sleeper I've ever known - she was up every hour since she was born - i would never say she 'never sleeps ever'.

It sounds like you don't want him to go because you dont want to go. You dont like the band - fine. He does. Thats not fair. You need to deal with the bigger issue - him helping out more at home. You say he never arranges time out with you alone etc - why?

SwimmingKaren · 16/05/2019 21:24

I know it’s shit for you being stuck home with the kids but competitive misery will just drag you both down. Better to be kind to each other, let him have something nice for himself as he obviously wants to go and you book yourself a nice night away doing the equivalent of what you enjoy.

Tinkety · 16/05/2019 21:25

OP how old are your children?

Dvg · 16/05/2019 21:25

To be fair i agree he is Entitled to a night away, just as you are if you wanted one :S

ChiaraRimini · 16/05/2019 21:27

I get it OP. He's booked something he wants to do and expected you to tag along. This is not an a trip for the two of you, it's for him-and so why would you waste a babysitting credit on it. He is seeing this band two otter times in a 12 month period so it's not like it's a one off. He is being a selfish arse who CBA to do something for you.

I don't know why AIBU is so full of cunts who pretend they don't get it and make out like the OP is being a twat. But they are cunts. Ignore them.

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