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Original poster

DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

198 replies

PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:23

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 14/05/2019 10:26

Wouldn't put up with that in my house.,

He is either a parent or he isn't.

Everyone is entitled to and should have time out but he seems to be always on a time out.

Mayalready · 14/05/2019 10:27

Book things on the planner for yourself.
Fri bath night..
Sat out with friends..
Sun sit on arse with book night.
He needs to parent and be a dh.
Or point out it's pointless him actually living there...

ANewDawn10 · 14/05/2019 10:27

Seems like he feels family life is dragging him down. My dh wouldnt do this. He always let's me know in advance and if hes been away I know he would prefer to be with us rather than friends.

Dullardmullard · 14/05/2019 10:33

Do you any hobbies persuits you’d like to do as I’d be seeking that out and going and putting it in the calendar. He then watches the kids if it clashes a d your in first he organises the sitter and vice versus.

He can’t have it all and expect it to remain the same.

I’d also be fuming he chose to do someone a favour at work when he didn’t have to was he even paid for this? As that would fuck me off big time.

Ask him what he sees as married life?

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:33

I don't think he would prefer to be with us anymore. I think he prefers to be with his work colleagues and acquaintances going out for drinks and nice meals. He doesn't actually have any friends, just people he works with, who organise things after work.

OP posts:
MyCatHogsTheBed · 14/05/2019 10:36

Book yourself out, meal with friend A friday, drinks with friend B saturday, walk with friend C Sunday. Fuck it, be ships that pass in the night, it'll kill or cure.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:37

What should I do about the stag do? I think he'll stay out that night.

OP posts:
Musti · 14/05/2019 10:38

If I were him, I'd be desperate to spend time with my family after being away on business. I would be fuming for 2 reasons - the fact that he didn't want to spend time with us and the fact that he's living the life of a single man but has a family and leaving everything to you.

He needs a wake up call. Start scheduling in stuff so he gets a taste of what it means to be left at home with all the childcare etc and what split custody would entail.

FiveStoryFire · 14/05/2019 10:41

When is it your turn to go out? You need to start booking things up for yourself to do and leave him with the kids.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2019 10:41

What's your financial situation if you split up, OP? I'd be very tempted to let him go.

ChuckleBuckles · 14/05/2019 10:41

He is acting like a single man OP, and you get left to do the mum stuff and adulting on your own.

Do you have financial independence or are you a SAHP? In your position I would be looking at going to college or something to build a life outside the family home with a view to independence down the line. The advice to book your own stuff and have nights away while nice is not practical as you would be the one left feeling guilty about leaving the kids with a babysitter as your husband is not going to pick the load up I would guess.

AudTheDeepMinded · 14/05/2019 10:41

Whilst I agree with what you are saying overall, in the general scheme of things staying over for a stag do is probably normal. I wouldn't have a problem with my DH doing this if I knew in advance and if he wasn't taking the piss in other ways.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:45

I was taking a stint out as a SAHM but I am actively looking for a job now. That aside with 50% of our assets I am in an OK position.

I don't go out a lot at night as most of my friends have young DC. During the day I have quite a good social life and meet up with them a lot. I have started to book myself out though as in when he is home, I've booked an exercise class e.g. 8-9pm most nights. At least I am getting super fit whilst this is going on and I've lost half a stone with all the stress.

I feel as if I am sitting here like a stupid idiot waiting for him to cheat.

OP posts:
Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:47

Aud, I agree, but this is on top of everything else.
I've told him we need to work things out and he's going on a stag do for an acquaintance in his office.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2019 10:50

Does he actually spend any quality time with his children? Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship to be honest. it's not fair on you if he's running around having fun every night while you're at home being the actual parent.

And who has a stag night on a Wednesday? Surely they all have to work the next day?

Start scheduling in evenings out for YOU and make it clear that he will be staying at home with his kids, not with a babysitter.

areyoubeingserviced · 14/05/2019 10:50

Op, your dh can do this because he knows that he has got you at home ‘holding the fort’
You can ‘nag’ all you want, your dh is never going to understand unless he gets a taste of his own medicine . My dh is lovely, but there was a time when he would simply book nights out with friends and business associates and I would be stuck at home with the children. So I started planning activities without informing him. He had to learn that both of us were parents
Next week , plan something that you want to do , write it down on the calendar.
You need to do something for yourself.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:54

I am starting to do more things for myself although they are not really at night because most of my friends have young DC and don't want to cough up for a babysitter. I am being much more sociable with friends, I've upped my exercise to nearly every day and I am looking for another job. This weeks project is to look for courses to update my skills.

OP posts:
ChilliMum · 14/05/2019 10:56

It's a tough one as presumably you want your dh to want to spend time at home with you and the children so the problem isn't him going out as such but that he would rather be out / away than home so just asking him to be home more isn't going to solve it.

I also think this is less about him going out and more about the unequal split of family responsibility which almost always ends up being carried by us women.

I am slightly sympathetic to your husband as I find being at home dull as I am sure you do. My dh loves the tv and is happy to chill with a box set once the kids are in bed so it works well in my house as he is happy to stay home and I prefer go out a couple of nights a week.

That said I am far from absent in family life I love my dh and my children, I am not away with work so bar 1 evening when I work late I am usually home for dinner, homework, bedtime etc.. we often do stuff as a family in the early evening such as family games night or a bike ride and Sundays are family day so we might do something with friends or take a day trip. Having fun together is really important to us.

You need to find a balance that works for your family. As others have said you need to make time for you to go out, join a sports club or take an evening class, arrange dinner with friends. You could arrange a babysitter and go to the gig with your dh.

I think if you had a fairer share of the drudge work and some time out.for you, you would have more time and inclination to do fun stuff together and feel less resentful overall of your dh going out.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/05/2019 10:58

He's now said he is not going to go out tonigh I'd make sure you're dressed ready to go the minute he walks in the door. He can do dinner and bed.

Long term though can you come to an agreement about how many nights out a week you have each? You booking an exercise class every night he's home probably isn't helping with the "when do we get time together" argument. It sounds like it's at risk of becoming a competition to see who can get out the house first.

Tbf I'd be happy for him to sleep out. He's gonna come in at 3 am, possibly loud and puking, then lie in bed all day and moan about a hangover? He won't be any use to you any way. Better off out the way

Chewbecca · 14/05/2019 11:03

Sometimes I go out without DH up to 3 evenings in a week. I don’t think that is bad, it is just the way things fall some weeks. I have lots of friends, ex colleagues etc that I meet up with without him plus go to some gigs, shows and hobbies. I wouldn’t mind a bit if DH did either but he goes out far less because he doesn’t enjoy it so much and likes to stay home during the week. I always check diaries before committing to anything.
We go out together too, sometimes just the 2 of us, sometimes with friends, mostly on weekends as that is when DH prefers to go out.

So personally I don’t think the going out in itself is a problem, but there is clearly an underlying issue.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 11:06

Chewbecca, do you have young DC?

OP posts:
Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 11:15

I just worked out that my DH has been away or out with work colleagues 24 nights out of the last 39 nights. With zero support and 2 young DC< that is quite a lot!

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 14/05/2019 11:18

Honestly, it sounds like he's checked out of family life.

It's not my idea of a marriage. DH has a hobby that involves most of his one day off a week, and I don't begrudge it as he needs that time and space but once a month, he doesn't go and we have a day together. That way we're both happy.

Marriage is about compromise.... it just seems as he hasn't had the memo Flowers

Hearhere · 14/05/2019 11:21

Well obviously you should just stay in the kitchen and keep your mouth shut so as not to cramp his style!
(Joke)

Lichtie · 14/05/2019 11:23

For me it would depend on what the works nights are. My DH does a lot of works night outs with clients, contacts etc. Whilst it's on his own time it's still part of his job.
Thankfully his business trips have reduced, but may start again depending on client locations. I wouldn't hold this against him or count this as days away, it's part of his supporting the family.