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Original poster

DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

198 replies

PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:23

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

OP posts:
Graphista · 14/05/2019 11:58

He won't want to be the "bad guy" that left wife and family for no good reason, if he can goad you into binning him "unreasonably" he gets it all ways.

It also quite possibly suits him to have a well run home, no need to consider childcare responsibilities eow and the "respectability" of being a family man.

But he's doing nothing to earn any of that!

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 11:58

I don't think he is cheating or planning to as I don't think he wants to lose his nice set up. I think he wants his cake and eat it. I am fully aware though that going out a lot, being in a single mindset alcohol and a stag dois a breeding ground for adultery and I am sitting here in a very, very slow car crash.

OP posts:
Graphista · 14/05/2019 12:00

I think you'd be naive not to consider cheating a very real possibility

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 14/05/2019 12:01

Well done for taking steps to improve your situation re. job hunting and training courses. I really hope I'm wrong but I think you need to prepare for life without him.
Was coming on here to say what Mitzimaybe said.
He feels like he's got it all worked out nicely in his favour.
At this rate you will very quickly get to the point where you don’t want to save your marriage, you will want to save you.

oneforthepain · 14/05/2019 12:01

So, he's made it clear he's not prepared to change despite knowing the effect on you - at what point are you going to take charge of your own life and make a decision to put an end to this?

I can't see him walking away when he's on easy street. He likes it this way, that's why he hasn't changed. If you want your life to be different, at some point you need to take control back from him by making your own decision.

chipsandgin · 14/05/2019 12:02

I’d meet fire with fire OP as previous posters have suggested & plan nights out. He does sound like he’s checked out - but has the best of both worlds. Out of interest how do you manage to go to exercise classes most nights if you’re on your own with DC?

OliviaBenson · 14/05/2019 12:06

What do you want from this op? You keep saying about it leading to cheating but his behaviour now is bad enough.

Do you still love him? Do you want to be with him?

oneforthepain · 14/05/2019 12:06

I am sitting here in a very, very slow car crash.

But you don't have to sit there and leave him in the driving seat.

It's your life too. You're clearly very capable and determined - from all the steps you've already taken.

Take control of the wheel. Steer your life in a direction of your choosing (even if it can't be the way you had hoped it would go).

You're only powerless here if you choose to be. You might be surprised how different you feel once you're in control of it again, even if it is a scary thing to do at first.

cheeseypuff · 14/05/2019 12:07

I think you need to have a proper sit down conversation about this & let him that you're unhappy with he status quo and what your expectations are. Silent fuming is not the most constructive way to solve this problem.

My OH goes away on quite a few regular trips each year (mostly based around sporting hobbies he has) which can be tedious, however our understanding is that if I want to go away/ go out myself then I'm able to do so too. He also makes plenty of time to spend with the kids in between though & will prioritise family stuff where possible.
Talk to him about it properly & you may find he doesn't really realise how you feel & what problems his actions are causing.
As an aside isn't a Wednesday a strange night for a stag do?

GoodbyeRosie · 14/05/2019 12:07

24 nights out of 39 away is quite excessive, I would say.

How are your finances? is it joint money he's spending on all these social events.

My partner tends to go out more than me; she earns more ( separate accounts) and basically, I can't be bothered so tend to stay home with Sky sports and a few beers and call it child care!.

However, if I was to say that it bothered me, she wouldn't laugh it off, and we would look at the situation again.

Your DH is taking the piss to be honest, he's living the life of a single man.

Oh, and nobody has a stag do on a Wednesday..I'd dig a bit more into that!

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/05/2019 12:08

At this rate you will very quickly get to the point where you don’t want to save your marriage, you will want to save you.

Very well put, @Tonightstheteriyakichicken

Hearhere · 14/05/2019 12:08

Can you stop facilitating him
let him cook his own meals wash his own clothes etc

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 12:09

I've booked classes for when he is here next week. I've not started yet.

OP posts:
prawnsword · 14/05/2019 12:11

You sound disconnected, living separate lives... your vision of what makes you both happy & content in regards to family life is disjointed. I agree you need to be able to match his time off & he needs to step up & actively parent his children & hero’s his partner ! Ie you!

Bibidy · 14/05/2019 12:13

I agree with cheesypuff.

I think before you take any action you need to sit him down and ask him what's going on, is he not happy, is he bored spending the evenings at home etc etc. Get some answers from him.

A lot of people do get fed up with the humdrum of daily life with young kids, but that doesn't mean they get to just go back to their old life like it seems he's doing.

If you sit down together and talk it through, maybe you could come up with some ideas about things the two of you could do together, say an evening a week or whatever, so that you're both getting out and about. Make a weekly date night, send the kids for a sleepover with grandparents or friends on a Friday or Saturday night so you can have a night out (or in!) together.

I would say that it's important you try and have an honest and open conversation with him about why he's doing what he's doing instead of just being livid. It may not be that he's 'checked out', it might be that he's feeling the strain or is unhappy and the only way he can think to feel better is to remove himself and ignore the problem - but it doesn't have to continue this way.

managedmis · 14/05/2019 12:15

Is his job super high flying? Does he absolutely have to travel? Apart from the doing his colleagues favours of course

walkingtheplank · 14/05/2019 12:16

Lots of people saying OP should book nights out too but is it the same? Is OP having to organise alternative childcare for those evenings - yet another job for her, and presumably at her expense? She can't assume DH will be home to take responsibility for the DCs as Bob from accounts might fancy a drink or the new client might need taking out for dinner.

24 nights out of 39 is scandalous. OP, you really may as well be a single mum. If you lived separately and he only had the children at weekends, he'd be away from them for 27 days - not much difference really.

Sorry you're having to carry the burden.

Drogosnextwife · 14/05/2019 12:20

I agree with Hearhere, I'm guessing you do most things for him, if not everything because he's hardly ever home so when would he have the time. Stop doing anything for him, then he won't have as much free time to go out for a start.
Had he always been out this much? I would be very suspicious of this if it's a newish thing. Sometimes it doesn't matter how good a person has it at home, they still stray.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 12:23

I've been trying to have a conversation with DH for months. I've done lots of talking but he has only listened, not communicated how he feels. I don't think he will be honest with me because if he is 100% honest, I would probably end it and that is not convenient to him.

I try and arrange things for us to do together and as a family. He does some, but opts out of other. So, for example my DC want to see a certain movie. On Sunday I suggested we all go and then have lunch in our favourite cafe. He said HE didn't want to watch that movie and we should go without him. I didn't want to spend most of Sunday split up so we didn't go. I wanted to go to a comedy night in our town and a concert that is nearby but he says HE doesn't fancy doing that. However, one of his colleagues mentions going to a rubbish pub to see some 80's has-been and he's all enthusiastic.

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 14/05/2019 12:25

"I don't think he will be honest with me because if he is 100% honest, I would probably end it and that is not convenient to him."

sadly that is what I am thinking.

TheInvestigator · 14/05/2019 12:29

Tell him that. Tell him that entertaining the kids isn't about what he wants to do. It's about what's best for the family and sometimes just about what the kids want. When he said no to the movie, you should have told him that. You need to tell him tonight.

And then you need to ask if he cares about giving you nice nights out because he can do what he likes with his friends, but with you it's give and take. You want the comedy the night so he needs to do that, for you. Then you will do something for him.

Lay out clearly how you feel and tell him he needs to make a decision. Commit to family life or get out.

Graphista · 14/05/2019 12:30

Yea he's just biding his time waiting for you to end things then he'll be all "I did nothing wrong, she's mad/bitter/has too high expectations"

But are you afraid of what he'll say? Are you avoiding the conversation too?

As I said I wouldn't be at all surprised if he saw the marriage as over in all but name and behaving as if he's single in all ways.

I too am highly sceptical of a stag on a Wednesday!

Are you reluctant to dig for fear of what you'll find?

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 14/05/2019 12:31

He wouldn't go to a movie your DC wanted to see, because HE didn't want to see that movie? Stroppy teen.

Sadly, this dynamic is not uncommon. You've almost become his mum.

dottiedodah · 14/05/2019 12:33

As Jemima 232 says , do you think he may be having an affair?.Sorry to say so but with this amount of coming and going I think something doesnt seem right to me.

DayAtTheRaces · 14/05/2019 12:33

I’m of the same mindset at Jemima232......maybe he is having an affair with a woman at work? How come he is going to a mid-week stag-do? Has he (and you) received a wedding invitation or even to just an evening-do?

Are you close with his parents? I’d make a comment to his mother and see what her take is on his constant socializing.

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