DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

[PommeGranite]

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

Marriage vows don't just consist of "I promise not to cheat" - there are many other promises too. Obviously I can see why cheating would be an instant dealbreaker but all his other behaviours are already more than enough to show that he doesn't value his wife or children. You really don't need to be driving yourself crazy with trackers etc when it's clear he's already checked out of family life.

Mum and other now single women

What does he think now he's lost his family and half of his assets? Was it worth it?

He has checked out, he wants the single life and is living it whilst still being married.

It's really sad that one of the few things you can say he does is make smoothies :( what a waste of space he is. I'm sorry.

He occasionally makes smoothies for us all if he's having one.

That’s really really sad if that sums up his parenting.

There is no point in him.

It certainly doesn't seem like he is being fair to you at all. My DH works away Mon-Fri at the moment, he certainly doesn't come home and then arrange to go out with his mates at the weekend. On a special occasion fair enough, for instance he went to his mate's 40th in London one weekend but he asked me if I minded first, and that was a one-off. He also realises how much I do in the week on my own in terms of looking after our DC so he encourages me to go and do my own thing when he's around but I usually don't want to, I'd rather we spent time together. It sounds like you aren't happy with things the way they are, and I wouldn't be either. You don't need to start tracking his location, the fact that you are already unhappy is enough to start a serious conversation with him. x

At best he sounds incredibly selfish and living the life of a single man.

He’s checked out of marriage, Op. He doesn’t seem to care at all about you or ur marriage.

I'm sorry OP but you can't go on like this - this isn't a marriage. I'm afraid i'd be thinking affair as well - Who has a stag do on a Wednesday?!

I think this is really sad. He's checked out of your marriage and clearly isn't interested in spending time with you or engaging with you or even sharing some of the parenting load - bed time, stories, endless washing/cooking/cleaning.

But equally, or even more, sadly, he's clearly not interested in your DC either. Because he's making no effort to spend time with them. Week time care is split according to who is working and who is around. But to give you an idea of our weekend:

DH took DS to the park for 4 hours where they rode bikes, scooters, played football and did "wrestling" (I'm still confused about what that part entailed! )? He then took DD the following day to her favourite soft play (DS would rather rip off his own arm than go to what he considers a "baby" destination). Meanwhile, while DS and DH were at the park, DD and I went for a walk with the dog then had tea at her favourite cafe before coming home to make supper together (she thinks she helped...). While DH and DD were out, DS and I watched a movie.

Saturday night we all sat together for supper as a family (doesn't happen that often due to different schedules).

My point is that DH and I both actively spend time with the children, together and alone because we LIKE being with them. Your DH doesn't seem interested....

If he's got no real friends whose stag do is it? Can't be anyone that close. FWIW I spent far too long with a satellite DH being left to provide parental continuity while he swanned off to visit family and friends in another country every year plus going out clubbing. It wears you down, and no it's not acceptable. I'd nip it firmly in the bud if i had my time again.

You don't need to compete over nights out.

You need a husband who wants to spend time with you. Sadly he doesn't.

I would cut him loose now, get your life back instead of sitting there waiting for scraps of attention.

I had this with my husband. I said he should make more time for the family. He said I was controlling. Fast forward..... Now we're getting divorced!

Agree that he has checked out of the marriage
Affair-?? Possibly. I wouldn’t be surprised tbh

I don’t think that playing him at his own game would fix anything, he’ll just make sure he’s out on each “free” night and you’ll never see him or spend time as a family. I also feel that asking him to leave if he wants to be single is pointless - he won’t depart of his own volition because he’ll end up with less money for socialising and more childcare commitments. I think it’s ultimatum time - change, or go.

I agree that he's checked out of family life and is behaving like a teenager who comes and goes as they please.

The good news is that you're handling the situation brilliantly, getting yourself fit and preparing to go back to work (plus doing all the childcare). You really are amazing being so level-headed in a shit situation.

I'd recommend playing the long game. Don't end it now, carry on keeping fit and updating your skills. Apply for jobs and get yourself in the best possible position before you decide whether to end it or not.

You and your children deserve a good outcome so decide what that is and focus achieving it before doing anything.

I'd be searching for a second phone and another credit card you don't know about.

I also think he's checked out.

Time to state your feelings and it's now at dealbreaker time and mean it.

I’ve also noticed that you have booked your own hobbies in the days he’s ‘in’, can you just book ahead and then he has to fit in and around you?
I’m not sore playing that game will help, although it might ‘make’ him have to parent a bit more and bring things to a head when he can’t go out as you’ve already booked out

What's the point of him parenting more? Not going to make him love his wife, won't solve OPs problem.

I'd tell him to leave and not come back. He's opted out of family life, and quite frankly he could opt out elsewhere so I could move on with my life.

Does he do his own washing, cooking etc? I can see how cooking can't be controlled but I'd stop doing any of the chores for him such as washing and drying his clothes etc etc and then be will have to be at home to sort that out.
If be washed his own stuff then I'm lost.

Op I'm sorry but if the most he does for you all, including his children, is make smoothies and maybe fix the WiFi occasionally, that is really really poor.

What is the point of him ??!

I would seriously ask him how he plans to balance his work and after work frivolities while juggling 50% of the childcare when you serve him with bloody divorce papers.

He is massively taking the piss, OP. You know it and so does he. It sounds like shape up or ship the fuck out time.

He sounds bored.

I think he’s being spineless & trying to drive you into ending things

But OPs point was he's out all the time, if he doesn't parent the kids when he's in either, then she's already a single parent, isn't she?