DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

[PommeGranite]

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

A mid-week stag do? Really? So every single person involved has taken the following day or two off? I don't believe that.

Is working away classed as leisure time though?

I understand that irrespective of the reason he isn't at home but does him having to travel on business mean that he's not allowed any time for himself either?

I don't know how couples work this when one parent travels for business. Is it usual to divide up the at home time equally so that both parents get time to go out?

Clearly it isn't fair on you to have to stay in every night while he is out but then you also say that your friends tend to go out during the day which is when you meet up with them, and clearly your husband can't do that so I'm not sure what the answer is here.

Are you close with his parents? I’d make a comment to his mother and see what her take is on his constant socializing.

Eh?

I’ve never heard of a weekday stag night! Sounds very odd to me.

I would stop trying to have the conversation with him, because that's you begging him to engage with you and him just looking down on you and refusing, that puts you in an inferior position.
I would play him at his own game...use his own strategy against him
Also stop facilitating his lifestyle

I've dug and dug and dug. I've looked at hotel bills, I've looked on his phone, in pockets, in his bags before he has unpacked. I've never found anything even remotely suspicious.

if he is 100% honest, I would probably end it and that is not convenient to him
You know you don't have to wait for him to say the words? There isn't a set point or phrase that frees you from an unhappy marriage.

Mid week stag dos are really common- just drinks with colleagues after work.

He's checked out of the marriage

The not wanting to see a kids film makes me angry, my DH always said that. I explained to him in harsh words that Idid not enjoy watching kids movies either, but that it's the sort of thing you do FOR YOUR KIDS

not saying he has an affair, but yeah, you and kids don't rank too high on his list of priorities.... he sounds so selfish

In some ways it looks as if both of you just don't want to admit that there isn't enough common ground for a relationship

Tell him you've had enough and that seeing as he's pretty much extricated himself from family life he may as well move out of the family home - your DC would see more of him with a shared custody agreement than they do right.

Then get your financials in order and be prepared for an OW to crawl out of the woodwork. Stag on on a Weds night? [Hmm]

Have you got Find My Phone on his phone? Does he have Google Maps on his phone? That will show destinations.

I can't access his phone. I don't know the passcode.
We had find friends but I deleted him from my phone as basically I was sitting here waiting for him to come home and used to watch him go from one location to the other and then finally head back home. It drove me insane.

How do you use Find My Phone or Google Maps to locate him?

Do you think you can or want to salvage things? If so could you arrange a babysitter weekly or fortnightly and you go out together (like to the gig this week) and see if you can get back on track.

I was in the same boat with my ex, he started a snazzy new job and I became the dogsbody and pretty much felt that I wasn’t good enough anymore. He was always working late, going on team meals & nights out, weekends he was always out on his bike.
I was considered a “bitch” when I complained that we were not spending enough time together as a family/ couple. Transpires that he was having an affair and she was one of many that I’ve since found out about. I’m not saying that’s happening in your case though...

My ex was like this, didn’t want to do anything as a family just wanted to be with his friends. It’s not normal and being a single will be easier and cause far less resentment.

Ok, just read a few posts that I missed and can see that he’s checked out, if you’re suggesting stuff that he doesn’t want to do without suggesting alternatives etc. We all see family films that we don’t necessarily want to see but put kids first, but sounds like he can’t even do that.

It seems as though you're looking for a reason to end the marriage - eg. evidence of adultery - however you've already enough reason without the adultery

I've had to have that conversation with my own DH over the 30 years we've been married "either plug in to what's going on around here or off you trot"

If you think he might not be where he says he is, you could put your phone (on mute) into his car and then track it via an iPad or other phone using Find My Phone.

Are you certain he is where he says he is?

Does he do any parenting?

No, not certain where he is.
Can't really be without phone as have small DC at school. What about another kind of tracker?

Do you have an iPad that you could spare for the evening?

Yes, but the car is irrelevant. It's just a drive to train station.

He's checked out. My ex did the same, out every night and the simple fact is if he wanted to be at home with you and his kids he would be.
If you end it you can at least have every other weekend minimum to yourself. You deserve so much better.

I'm so confused I don't even know what you mean by parenting Dad wise. He may do a few practical things (fix WiFi, drive to activity) if available. He occasionally makes smoothies for us all if he's having one.