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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

198 replies

PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:23

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

OP posts:
Original poster
PommeGranite · 15/05/2019 14:36

Thing is though I don't know if I could be bothered dating again. I look around and most men are just horrible and losers. How do you build a social life and be happy post breakup?

OP posts:
HRMumness · 15/05/2019 14:39

A lot of this sounds like my soon to be exDH. He became increasingly busy with work, more late nights, more trips, more travel, more working from home. It was all work work work. He did help a bit with the kids but it felt begrudged. Fast forward to NYE and he starts saying he is unhappy. I knew he was having an affair. He didn’t admit it until over a month later. I kicked him out. He played the pick me dance with me for over a month, then moved back in and then back out again. He does take the children once a week but misses phone calls and visitation due to being “busy/travelling with work”. He blamed it all on me, family life, the works.
Protect yourself OP and if it turns out he is cheating, go look up Chump Lady.

DoctorManhattan · 15/05/2019 14:42

Granted I'm a male and probably biased, but are 'most' men really horrible and losers? Like, literally 75% or more of men?

I know lots of happily married couples but when you spend time on an advice forum (which, in fairness to everyone here, is mostly female and mostly about relationship issues with other halves) you're going to hear a lot of negative issues and not many positive ones so the perspective is slightly skewered.

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 14:49

How do you build a social life and be happy post breakup?

One brilliant thing that you might not totally appreciate now is that you have a child - there is such a social life built around especially primary school, I have found. So that's a starting point.

But it's such early days! The separated/divorced women I have known have generally taken a few years 'out' - and been much happier for it. Two exceptions who turned into headless chickens at the thought of not being with a man and ended up in all kinds of shit as a result, including one nasty abusive relationship.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 15/05/2019 14:52

Apologies Doctor.

I think what I really should have said is that I don't think I want to date again because I have terrible taste in men.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 15/05/2019 15:01

Thing is though I don't know if I could be bothered dating again. I look around and most men are just horrible and losers. How do you build a social life and be happy post breakup?

This has more to do with your current state of mind than the reality, start to enjoy your time again, creating your social life by finding things that you enjoy doing and don't worry about any future romance.

StoneColdOld · 15/05/2019 15:03

DoctorManhattan and PommeGranite
I truly believe most men are decent, honest and good. But on forums like this we mostly only read of the bad in people (of any gender).

DoctorManhattan · 15/05/2019 15:13

No need to apologise PommeGranite, I'm an optimist so just hopeful that everyone has the chance at happiness and doesn't think there's none out there for them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/05/2019 16:05

How do you build a social life and be happy post breakup?

Don't even worry about that yet. Just focus on yourself and your DC right now. Hoping all goes OK over the next few days. Flowers

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 16:10

Much depends on whether (separated/divorced) fathers share the parenting, and your work situation.

I have friends who are single parents whose exes are poor fathers and never have the DC overnight. With no local family able/willing to help with childcare. That makes socialising (or dating) really difficult. And even more importantly WoH is harder too.

GarnierBBCream · 15/05/2019 16:35

Worry about the now, not about dating and social life 'post breakup' when you're still tied to this selfish, awful man. He's the one who should be sleeping in the spare room. He's full of contempt for you and his own family. What a cunt. He's an arrogant cock who thinks you and his own family are beneath him.

I'd prepare to leave him and file for divorce.

Zerrin13 · 15/05/2019 19:01

OP I could have written your original post myself except my husband was an aggressive bully aswell. We separated 7 months ago and I'm now a single parent to 2 teenagers. I won't lie and say it's been easy. Some days I still feel really sad that he was incapable of valuing his own family
but I've accepted it now and life is getting better. We are getting divorced. He sees the kids once a week. I'm not surprised as he was never interested in them when he lived with them.

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 19:05

Its scary going it alone but in a way better than being the person left at home.

I miss the idea of nice husband I used to have. Day to day I don't miss him as he was never here and didn't want to be here when he was.

kbPOW · 15/05/2019 19:23

Life's so much better without someone wrecking your confidence all the time. You can be single, meet someone - whatever. Relationships should enhance your life and make you feel loved and treasured. Alone is way less lonely than you currently are living with this void.

Whisky2014 · 15/05/2019 19:37

Bonus is had take them some.of the nights so you will actually be able to make plans for yourself. :)

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 19:51

Yes that is a hidden bonus. I actually get more time to myself as single parent!

winecigsandchoc · 15/05/2019 20:28

Could he have a drug problem? Like cocaine?

Shadow1234 · 15/05/2019 20:29

Why have you moved into the spare room? Surely you need to be telling him to go sleep in there!

Whisky2014 · 15/05/2019 20:33

Name change fail OP aka @simonfromharlow??

You have previously posted on another thread Simonfromharlow

I'm so glad I'm i found this thread. My husband wants to embark on a trial separation and i had no idea what that entails.

Sorry we are all going through/have gone through this

So if this us true his behaviour isn't so much of a shock, is it?

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 20:34

No name Change. I'm a different poster

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 20:39

I separated from exh abcan see how you thought that I was just agreeing with your post!

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 20:40

Message fail there haha that was supposed to say I am separated from my h. Can see how you thought that. Was just agreeing with your post

Whisky2014 · 15/05/2019 20:40

Oh I see!

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