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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

198 replies

PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:23

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

OP posts:
kbPOW · 15/05/2019 07:42

I would ignore the apologists and 50s housewives. This is not a drifting apart or busy week situation. Time to start thinking about yourself OP and what you want going forwards. This fucker hasn't been thinking about anyone else other than himself for a long time. Trying to blame you for his behaviour is both predictable and the absolute pits.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 07:45

“how he plans to balance his work and after work frivolities while juggling 50% of the childcare when you serve him with bloody divorce papers”.

This type of father won’t actually want to parent the DC 50% of the time: he will say he wants something like 40% but then have eow only with the odd session after school, and continue his work and social life as it is now, with a new GF, moaning about having to pay maintenance and OP “shafting” him financially.

When you become a single parent OP the finances will really bite. legal advice and a good plan for housing, money etc.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/05/2019 07:50

I don’t believe for an instant that he has a stag night on a Wednesday. Hope you are not doing a thing in the house for this stupid, selfish man.

lightlypoached · 15/05/2019 08:00

This is not a drifting apart or busy week situation

isn't it? how do you know? I've spent the last 20+ years being the one in the mad long hours, travelling job and I can tell you it's very easy to become the 'arse' everyone is talking about, even if you really love the ones at home. it doesn't excuse it, but it can explain it - and it does not mean he's definitely checked out. it sometimes needs the stay at home person to remind you that home and kids are important and that your view is out of balance - and what you stand to lose. Now is not the time for pussy-footing around, it's the time for decisive action and plain talking. Divorce is a HUGE step and one that's bandied around on MN too casually sometimes (yes there are lots of times when it's the right thing (DV, financial abuse etc), but the idea of marriage is a commitment and partnership that we work at until everyone knows it just can't work any more. There are plenty of stats that show how many people regret divorcing and wish they had tried a bit harder).
What i'm saying is not a 1950s housewifey stance - on the contrary it's an approach that aims to get a very equal and balanced relationship out of this, which leaves everyone happy and fulfilled - and hopefully the DH in this case re-connecting with the simple joy that bathing/night time story reading can be with little kids, the snuggling on the comfy sofa with someone you love, rather than being out in a restaurant getting drunk again with strangers.
I'm not the OP so don't know where her heart is, but it reads as though she'd like to try and make it work. we should help and support her to try as you never know it might just work.

ps. I have been divorced and now happily married so no rose tinted specs here Grin

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 08:01

OP has talked to him, many times, and shared his response, which doesn’t bode well.

Loopytiles · 15/05/2019 08:02

OP can’t “make it work” when her H wishes to maintain the status quo.

billybagpuss · 15/05/2019 08:04

Make sure you only smash the crappy plates and put the nice ones in a box out of sight for your future.

Sending you loads of cyber hugs, you're doing the right thing.

Original poster
PommeGranite · 15/05/2019 08:26

He is an idiot to say about nothing going on because he's missing out on precious times with youngest DD. She still does bath and story and these are moments you don't get back.

Thanks for all your input. Feeling better now. I won't be going over this again with him.

OP posts:
leomama81 · 15/05/2019 08:28

Sounds like you are projecting due to feeling like you were that person lightlypoached. If you read the full thread, the OP's situation is very different and she has tried very hard to involve him and reconnect him to the joys. He is uninterested.

I'm personally not saying LTB as only the OP can know if that is the right thing to do, but it certainly seems like an option, at the least temporarily for some space, in the circumstances.

OP I am very sorry for your situation, and it is disgusting the way he sees you and your family as not entertaining enough for him to be there. It is certainly not your fault as he's trying to make out. I hope you are feeling better today.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 15/05/2019 08:50

What a twat.

So you’ve organised family days out, date nights and times to see friends....yet he can’t be bothered so his feelings veto yours and your D.C.

You are right he won’t get this time back. He is treating you as little more than a housekeeper, nanny and PA. He doesn’t care, because it’s all about him.

You are doing the right thing. Re-train or get a job, get your ducks in a row. Stop doing things for him because he sees himself as a single man with no responsibilities.

madcatladyforever · 15/05/2019 08:59

It doesn't sound as though he wants to be withe you. I'd do something very soon like counselling or your marriage will go down the pan. Or how about a hobby you can do together?

Original poster
PommeGranite · 15/05/2019 09:15

I've not been out of work for that long thankfully and I just need to make sure I am up to date on a few industry skills, no biggie. Shame though as I was enjoying the time with DC and made some nice friends. Maybe DH will respect my role when he has to pull his weight. The difference in earnings isn't that great so I won't be doing wifey work to compensate on the difference.
Hey ho.....the challenge of marriage. TBH if I had my time again I'd just have a child and not bother with the arrogance of men.

OP posts:
Graphista · 15/05/2019 09:39

Wow! He's basically saying he thinks you're all too boring to spend time with! How insulting!

And what a disgusting attitude he has to people generally - they have no value unless he finds them particularly entertaining.

I think moving into the spare room is understandable but somewhat tame?

Do you think anything you're saying or doing is even getting through to him?

RunSweatLaughAndLatte · 15/05/2019 09:52

I'd be leaving the bastard myself, if he wants to live like a single man he can be single and pay maintenance instead!

CookPassBabtridge · 15/05/2019 10:09

He sounds like he's single and childless. Maybe I'm biased as my DP is never out as he's a home bod!

ohfourfoxache · 15/05/2019 10:14

I think you need to plan your future without him tbh, you could be so much happier than you are now

Simonfromharlow · 15/05/2019 10:16

Oh @PommeGranite he sound so so like my ex. He always twisted it back i
Onto me. He never ever did anything wrong!

Greenkit · 15/05/2019 10:28

how old are your children, so sad he is missing out on them growing up and missing building a lasting relationship with you

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/05/2019 10:34

Well done for having that conversation and moving into the spare room. Please plan your exit carefully and make sure you and DC get everything you are entitled to.

I'm not surprised you felt like throwing plates at 2am. How are things this morning?

He's an idiot.

WYP2018 · 15/05/2019 10:56

I’m so sorry OP. Your posts are reminding me of the end of our marriage...I had just served us Christmas dinner and he just walked in and said “it’s so boring just us and the kids isn’t it”. He shortly afterwards fucked off with someone from work and now does the bare minimum with our children. I’m the happiest I have ever been though, it was hard immediately after we split but oh my goodness the weight had been lifted from my shoulders!

You sound very aware of how things are, you’re planning to get back in work, have a good circle of friends and sounds like you’re super fit as well. You will cope brilliantly without him! Keep posting here if you need support because there are many wise women here who have dealt with similar useless men, and will help you all the way. Flowers

Hearhere · 15/05/2019 11:30

He's just a prat, a flimsy spineless person
However even if his moral fibre is weak let's hope he had some strong genes which are now part of your mutual children, let this worm of a person wriggle off out of your life

user1479305498 · 15/05/2019 12:38

Definitely start looking at keeping friendships up , work options etc, book stuff on the calendar yourself. I was married for 9 years to someone like this who basically did love me but saw me as childminder/cook/housekeeper, he wasn’t a bad guy but basically felt he could carry on as if single but without the women.

Hearhere · 15/05/2019 13:05

He was treating you badly that makes him a bad guy

Erignon · 15/05/2019 13:21

Blaming you for his own shortcomings is so typical of entitled bastards like this. It's NEVER their fault now is it?

And perhaps there would be more going on at home if he channeled his energies into his family rather than with a bunch of work associates.

And as for homework, does he not care about his DCs progress at school? Does he feel that he's in some way above contributing to their education and future success?

I've had this in spades in my own life and thankfully that's all behind me now. I hope it will soon be in your past as well!

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 14:17

Good for you OP.

When he starts to panic and try and turn it all on you - just tell him it's quite simple really.

He prefers to have a single life. He's said so himself. Nothing going on at home... rather be out with mates... blah blah.

That's his decision, his life. Fine.

What he doesn't get to do is use you to cover the rest of the adulting bases - wife? tick. kids? tick. family life? tick. 'Oh here's a pic of my adorable DD on my phone. Don't I just have it all?'

It doesn't work like that.

You want a single life? Go off and have one. Have the house share and no clean undies unless you wash them yourself bit too. And, oops, thing is you don't get to send back the kid bit either - so you won't actually be single, you'll be a single dad.

Because you won't be used any more as a lifestyle prop who spends most of her time sitting on her own at home because her H isn't interested.

Don't even discuss this with him - especially don't discuss money until you've got it all sorted in your head. Then present him with a done deal and just say, I'm done. You're single. Have fun.