DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

[PommeGranite]

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt
This is very true. Since me and stbxh split I haven't struggled with the kids on my own because it's not actually that different

Sorry...still reading the full thread but....a stag do on a Wednesday?

One that he'll need a hotel for?

Is there a backstory that makes this a plausible thing? Are you sure that's what he's doing?

Okay, have RTFT.

I'm not an overly suspicious person but I'm pretty sure there's more to this, either he's having an affair and just good at covering his tracks or he's looking for one.

In a way it doesn't really matter as he has clearly fully checked out of the marriage and is basically using you as a convenient housekeeper, maid and childminder.

He is effectively living the life of a single man and you are facilitating that (albeit begrudgingly).

A 'normal' marriage IMO would mean that there is a quick discussion ahead of making any commitments and where each person tries their hardest to balance work commitments, their own friendships and hobbies, doing their share of parenting and chores and spending quality time with their children and their life partner.

He isn't doing any of this - no one in their right mind would think the way things are now is acceptable. He will know it's not acceptable.

I would tell him that you need to have a serious discussion that can't wait and that you need him home on whatever evening you would prefer to have it. Then explain how you're feeling and that a decision needs to be made as to whether you both want to recommit to the marriage or go your separate ways.

To be honest...separate ways sounds like it would actually be easier for you, at least he'd have to have the DC sometimes.

He’s very popular isn’t he. He’s taking the piss - I think you need to tell him he needs to be at home more. I too suspect other woman - stag do on a Wednesday? Does he ever take photos of his nites out.
Is he not knackered. He likes how it is - why change it!!
As for spending - do you get the same amount he does - you need to get yourself back to work and get your ducks in a row.
I’d start photo copying bank statements, financial assets. I hope your on the deeds if you own.
He’s not a father or husband to you.🌺

And as for the stag do....I've worked in the City for years and haven't ever heard of a stag do on a Weds.

Even if it was just having some beers with work friends after work it would be arranged for a Thursday or Friday. Never a Weds.

That particular 'excuse' stinks. There's something he's not telling you.

Wednesday does seem weird. Hope alls ok for you OP

Op I agree with others, this man is not acting like he has a family at all. He doesn't want to spend time with either you or his kids.

I think the only way forward (and I honestly have never said this on mumsnet!) is to kick him out/ leave him - unless he is going to radically change his behaviour and completely step up to fixing his marriage - Im not sure why you are staying with him.

I think I'd distance myself from him, develop mine and my Dc social life with out him.

I'd also stop being his housekeeper & cook. Start leaving his dirty clothes for him to deal with. Don't cater for him, if he around at dinner time then I'd dish him up a plate, not home he can sort himself out.

OP he's a selfish prick. Do not sit there being a mug looking after his kids. When he gets in walk out the door.

I also strongly suspect OW

Essentially he is a single man. You are facilitating it providing all his child care and housekeeping. Not surprised he is happy to stay. Another woman/ women is possible but not necessarily.

This is who he is, and this wiil be your life if you don't change things.

You have told him you aren't happy about it and he has done nothing. You are feeling like a nag. You don't need to Raise it again -you've told him how you feel and he hasn't changed. That tells you that he doesn't want to or intend to unless forced, and possibly not even then. That in itself gives you further information about what he thinks of you.

Proceed on that basis.

Can you find a therapist for yourself? He's already left. I would focus on bolstering yourself emotionally and financially with a view to divorcing him as soon as possible. It's very damaging to your self-esteem to be treated so badly.

@PommeGranite

Sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. But you have time to get yourself organised. Update your skills get back to work. Etc

I was in the same situation ex was living his own life. To the point he would leave the house without even saying good bye. He just saw me and the family as hard work. And wanted to live a life without responsibilities.

Well he got that in spades. 18 months on and he has told me he regrets his choices everyday and wished it was different.

He has walked away with nothing. The house was mine before we met. And we remortgaged so little equity in the property. He is in a shared rented flat above the shops. His mates weren't all they were cracked up to be and have fallen away now he isn't funding everyone night out. and he is now out of work. He has the kids eow. And hasn't been reliable there either. He has fallen out with his family because I have supported the children to maintain contact as he wasn't. He is with ow/gf still. Hope it works out for them. She has not got herself a prize. But then I would say that.

It did not turn out like he thought it would. But I'm sure in time he will sort himself out.

It has been a shit 18 months. But I'm slowly building my life back up. He hasn't got your back. So time to start looking after number one.

My DH is an absolute idiot and I have told him so. I am trying not to swear at him. Had words last night. Told him how I feel again. He says "I twist things" and I am in a self fulfilling circle. What is that even?

Apparently he has a great set of work mates who he likes going out with after work and there is nothing going on at home anyway, just watching TV, homework and bed. I pointed out to him that when I suggest something to do together or as a family he doesn't want to go. So the cinema for example but also bigger stuff e.g. lets all learn to ski on the dry slope a few miles back, then go skiing as a family. But, no HE doesn't fancy it. Let's take DC to Centre Parks, they'd love it. No, HE doesn't want to go.

The final straw for me was he said he'd come out with me to someones birthday last week and he didn't want to go. There are people I am friends with at school and their DH's are all friends. In fact, I don't get invited to everything (miss out on meals, get togethers, weekends away) because DH has made no effort with their DH's. He stood there telling me how boring some of these men are and I was surprised as they are actually quite nice. Its like when your teenager goes to Uni or on a great holiday then comes back and tells you that your house is rubbish and elsewhere is better.

Anyway he told me that we don't have to be joined at the hip. I lost it then as I am not some needy person, we are not joined at the hip, we are joined very loosely by a fraying thread. We have been out together ONCE since Christmas.......but we don't need to be joined at the hip.

So, I moved out to the spare room and told him I'm not sleeping in the same bed as him anymore. When he got all stressed when I did this I told him it was because after all "we don't need to be joined at the hip".

I need a bit of time to sort stuff out and exit in a way that is best for me. I lay awake and felt anger like I've never felt before. I was worried I was going to get up at 2am and start throwing plates.

He is such an utter, utter idiot and dickhead. He is going to lose his family and when the proverbial hits the fan he will only have his "work mates" to fall back on because he has emotionally detached himself not only from us but he has also stopped hanging out with our friends and his own relatives too. They are very upset with him that he only contacts them once a month.

Good for you! You found your rage at the disgusting way he is treating you x

He says "I twist things" and I am in a self fulfilling circle. Oh dear. Putting it back on you is not a good sign.

I think your rage is a good thing at this point.

Apparently he has a great set of work mates who he likes going out with after work and there is nothing going on at home anyway, just watching TV, homework and bed.

Nothing going on at home except his family. He's a properly selfish arsehole. I do hope things improve for you OP. It doesn't sound as if he's putting in enough effort to have any real value. I suspect you'd be happier without him. Good luck.

Nothing going on at home in the evenings apart from watching TV. Right. So you know exactly how he feels about you
He is an unbelievable dickhead. I'm sorry.

the fundamental question is 'do you want to save the relationship?' if you do then you need to act. as well as talking with him - properly, and honestly away from the house and kids. listen, say how you are feeling, and establish whether there is will on both sides to make the relationship work for you both. leave accusations at the door - concentrate on feelings and what you want, look to the future, not the past.
if you both want to try then you need to do some things together - planning and cooking together on a saturday night, a family day out (simple picnics or walks /bike rides are a good start). find a hobby you can do together without kids(me and DH just started ballroom dancing - it's soo funny and we love it - we are definitely not the 'type' you'd expect and at late 40s are the oldest in the class sometimes).

It's so easy to drift apart when work and life gets in the way. when people are long and happily married they talk about 'working' at their marriages and 'fighting' for them. now is your time to do that - if you want to. I'd say it was worth a shot. talk to him?

What a total arse-it sounds like he’s already checked out tbh.

I hope your anger is making him think what he could lose.

Sometimes weeks can just b unusually busy, whether it's unreasonable depends upon if this is typical. Traveling for work however annoying to you is part of his work, entertaining clients always annoyed me the most I admit, he would come home merry having had a good time, never seems like work (but it was).

Only you can way up if he's doing too much away from you, perhaps sit down and work out times you can have fun?

there is nothing going on at home anyway, just watching TV, homework and bed

That in itself is disgusting. He has a FAMILY that he CHOSE TO HAVE so of COURSE homework and bed are part of that - I can't believe he just decided he doesn't want to do it, and therefore doesn't. What about you?! What an actual fucking arsehole. If he doesn't want to watch TV with you, he could do other things! Dh and I used to play scrabble instead of watching TV ffs! What a nasty thing to say.

Op honestly you deserve better. You. Deserve. Better.

Your DC deserve better! He doesn't give a fuck about them!

Do all his work colleagues have families or are they younger and single?

think when you end the relationship he’ll start dating a colleague almost immediately. (If he’s not been unfaithful during your relationship). He’s checked out.

Suggest seeking legal advice, and counselling for yourself.

Also, prepare for him to seek relatively little co-parenting of the DC, eg every other weekend: could make it hard for you return to work-wise.