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Original poster

DH out 3 nights in a row and DC and I sat at home like lemons.

198 replies

PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 10:23

DH and I are going through a really rough patch at the moment. To summarise we have been having issues with the amount of time DH spends travelling, is out at night with work and then out at night with his friends and hobbies. When he balanced this with family life and spending time with me and being caring towards me, I was OK with it. Now it feels like DC and I on one side and him being the lodger who comes and goes. Now, the more he is out or away, the more I get more used to living alone.

Anyway, after a brutal month of business trips we were glad to have DH back at the weekend. On Sunday I looked online at the family calendar and it said that DH was going to be out Tues (out with work), Wed (stag do) and Thurs night (gig). Meanwhile, back at the ranch I'll be once again home alone with the DC staring at the wall after they have gone to bed. I also found out that his last business trip wasn't even his. He did it as a favour for someone in his office.

When DH saw I was a bit shocked at this he laughed it off and dismissed it as perfectly normal. So I am sitting here thinking I am being a nag or controlling. He's now said he is not going to go out tonight but I can see he is not happy about that. I actually think he has cancelled it because tomorrow night, when he goes on a stag do, I think he is going to drop the bombshell that he is going to stay in a hotel so he can drink (needs car to get home) and then not worry about getting home late and up again early to commute back.

Would you be upset if your DH did this? I've told my DH that he has overstepped the mark in taking me for granted at home doing 100% of all child rearing and not spending time with his young family but he still booked out 3 nights on the trot. He hears what I say but he's not prepared to do anything about it. If he stays out on Wed night I am thinking that I need to do something drastic but not sure what?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/05/2019 11:25

24 nights out of the last 39 nights

Sorry OP but that's utterly taking the piss. You need to sit down with him and explain that he needs to actually be a parent, be a partner and actually be part of the family or he's out on his ear.

Mitzimaybe · 14/05/2019 11:27

Sounds like he has already checked out of the marriage or is in the process of doing so. I suspect you are right to think it's only a matter of time until an affair (if not already happening.) This is so not OK. You are not being unreasonable or a nag or whatever else he's telling you.

Well done for taking steps to improve your situation re. job hunting and training courses. I really hope I'm wrong but I think you need to prepare for life without him.

I would let the stag do go, personally, because it's not the one night that's the issue, it's the overall pattern. (But who on earth has a stag do midweek? I've never heard of that.)

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2019 11:27

Does he not even bother to discuss these things with you? That is very disrespectful. At the very least I’d be checking into a nice hotel with a pool for a couple of nights alone this weekend.

Dropthedeaddonkey · 14/05/2019 11:29

Why hasn’t he invited you to the gig? Agree get a sitter and schedule stuff for you and for the two of you to go out together. Too late to do anything about the stag do but you could go and stay with friend / family or go to spa hotel Friday night and leave him to do Fri night / Saturday morning routine which after a week of work and two late nights should give him some insight. I know a couple where H has similar job but when he’s home he’s ferrying to swimming and music lessons etc on weekends and pitching in. Join some stuff in evenings a book group or evening class etc or just go the cinema on your own if you feel he isn’t pulling his weight. Getting back to work is good for your financial security but also so he sees you as an independent person with your own commitments again instead of the live in help. If getting sitters isn’t affordable then start a babysitting circle so you sit for your friends kids while they go out leaving yours with your DH and then they sit for you when you need it.

PetrichorRain · 14/05/2019 11:29

Yeah, I wouldn't stand for this. When are you supposed to go out? Or see the person you married? And you're a SAHM too, so basically you spend your life either wrangling two little ones or staring at the walls on your own? What's in it for you?

RosaWaiting · 14/05/2019 11:31

he sounds like he wants to be a single man

I'm afraid the first thing is to sit down and actually tell him "do you want to be a single man?" because that's the next step. He has to make a decision.

Girlzroolz · 14/05/2019 11:31

Cross out the next 14 ‘events’ he puts into the family calendar and replace them with ‘marriage therapy session’. Then do it for real.

Let him justify his lifestyle choices to an independent third party.

Point out to him that when he finally pushes you out of his life he’ll need to put aside a lot more nights and weekends for contact visits from his kids (in his sad little apartment with no clean clothes and hot meals on tap).

MyCatHatesEverybody · 14/05/2019 11:33

Can you register with a a site like City Socializer and go out without your parent friends? I agree with a PP that it won't help you and DH in terms of spending time together but I do think giving him a taste of his own medicine is the only way to get across to him what he's expecting from you, because telling him you have a problem is just words he can choose to interpret any way he pleases.

Would you be prepared to leave him if he doesn't step up? If so do you think he would see his DC regularly?

NorthEndGal · 14/05/2019 11:33

Has he ever been involved with the DC? Is this a change, or has it always been like that

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/05/2019 11:34

I haven't read all the replies but he sounds quite like my ex husband.

He wasn't away that much with work (just occasionally for a night or two) but he works at a place where the social side of things is quite active and he started going out more and more with colleagues (most of which were younger than him with no commitments - we have 2 children). When he was home he was usually in a grumpy mood. Eventually I asked him why he was so grumpy and he told me he wasn't happy...excuses like I made him feel bad for wanting to go out, etc. I had never tried to stop him from going out but when my mum and friends had started making comments about how much he went out, it just got quite embarrassing and I was always justifying it so look like less of a doormat.

Anyway, a couple of weeks after the 'I'm not happy/you make me feel bad for going out' conversation and me terrified my marriage was ending because I obviously made him so unhappy, I discovered he was having an affair with one of said younger co-workers.

I made him leave that evening and although his is still with ow, his social life has taken a turn for the worse as he has the children on his own 40% of the time. My social life has never been better though.

Erignon · 14/05/2019 11:39

That's not a marriage OP. Honestly I think you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel, and ask him what he's going to do about it. He has to do the thinking himself really. If he can't come up with a resolution that puts his wife and kids before his social life then I think you have your answer. Sorry OP.

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 14/05/2019 11:39

Just book 3 nights out in a row yourself. If needed just to to the cinema alone (out with friends)

BlackcurrantJamontoast · 14/05/2019 11:41

Book saturday night as an overnight and stay in a hotel- back after lunch on Sunday and then out again at 5pm.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 14/05/2019 11:44

He’s taking the piss massively! He should be in, with you, being a parent and dh for the 24 nights, not out.

I would normally say you need to book yourself out and leave him to parent but I don’t think that would fix anything. You need to sit him down and find out wtf he really wants / because his actions are saying he’s checked out of his relationship with you and the dc

Prequelle · 14/05/2019 11:44

He is taking the piss. Acting like a single man. Maybe he should be given the option of being one.

CabbageHippy · 14/05/2019 11:45

sometimes stuff that you want to do comes up all at once - if it was every single week it would be a problem but the occasional week it's fine by me

FiveStoryFire · 14/05/2019 11:49

You need to tell him it can't go on like this or you'll be filing for divorce and he can look after the kids on his own for 50% of the time while you go out and party.

Jemima232 · 14/05/2019 11:49

Am I the only person who thinks there's another woman here?

It sounds very suspicious to me.

Are you still having sex?

Prequelle · 14/05/2019 11:49

Cabbage is 24 out of 39 nights.

Missingstreetlife · 14/05/2019 11:53

Make a rota. Every single task on it. Take the calender down, put the rota up.
Be out more even if you go to the library
Put date night and family time on the rota

Original poster
PommeGranite · 14/05/2019 11:54

I have actually asked him a few times if he wants to be a single man and I've told him if he wants to go, then go.

OP posts:
Graphista · 14/05/2019 11:54

Total piss take and yes potentially cheating too - or planning to.

He needs told enough is enough, either he's in the family or he's out! He's no kind of father as he's never bloody home!

That's a lot of family money he's spending too.

Onemansoapopera · 14/05/2019 11:55

You've lost yourself letting him behave like you're a live in nanny. Rare I say this as I can usually see the blokes side as well, but get rid of him he's completely disregarding your family value like you're rubbish and tbh you and your children don't need him.

EKGEMS · 14/05/2019 11:56

Tell him if he wants to go then go and you'll make his life easier because all his clothes and personal shit will be on the front lawn and the locks changed;however his going out will be severely curtailed when he has the children for weekend custody

Sunshineandflipflops · 14/05/2019 11:58

Am I the only person who thinks there's another woman here?

It sounds very suspicious to me.

Are you still having sex?

I'm not sure whether they are still having sex is relevant. Me and my exh were still having sex and he was having an affair.