A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

Mythreefavouritethings thanks

I've just looked at stats and one of the places you are most likely to meet your partner is work.

Am a bit baffled by the outrage that she is contemplating a relationship with (swoon!) a colleague!

Yeah, I'm surprised by the outrage as well. I work for a large company and there are lots of relationships that start at work. We have a policy that says you can't manage people or make career decisions about people you have a relationship with. But that is all relationships, not just sexual. So e.g. you couldn't be involved in the recruitment of your sibling or someone you socialise with outside work. In fact I've heard more criticism of a manager socialising with a line report outside work than of the fact the single person A from dept X was snogging single person B from dept Y at the Christmas party.

It wasnt a date.

OK. Ignoring eye contact for 3 months after a drunken night out with work colleagues seems over the top.

Am a bit baffled by the outrage that she is contemplating a relationship with (swoon!) a colleague!

I am not outraged at dating colleagues. But you do have to be careful. If you are hitting on them and making them uncomfortable, then there could be other consquences. Such as them going to HR.

To be honest, from a work point of view he has done the right thing. Told her in writing, clearly and without room for for misinterpretation, he wasnt interested.

Oddly though, she is still trying to find a hint that he didnt mean it.

I'm amazed at the responses saying he might be gay/asexual/autistic.

If it was a woman who wasn't interested in a particular man, would we be saying 'she must be a lesbian'?

I don't think the message to the OP was rude - it was direct and something that couldn't be misunderstood. Rather that 1000 times than a man who messes you around and keeps his options open in case he might be desperate for sex in the future.

The OP should just move on - if she is confident and attractive, there will be other men out there who are looking for those qualities. OP, stop obsessing over this man and get on with your life.

He is continuing to neg you because he is getting pleasure from this

similar to an introvert narcissist

😂

Or he just doesn't fancy you.

Move on and give him no more headspace.

Now you can't have him, you want him.

Tbh, he sounds like a bit of a prick. There are nicer ways to let people know you aren't interested.

Just forget it.

There's a lot of disturbing things on this thread, a guy said he isn't interested so he must be gay, an introverted narcissist, asexual etc.

However the thing that has topped the rest of it is:

Leave a note on his desk.

Do you like me

Yes or No

He can circle the answer and give it to you atplaytimelunch

Everyone knows you draw little boxes beside the yes or no and you tick which one, no circling involved.

😂😂😂😂 last comment cracked me up , thanks for that !

You're actually a bad person and a failure as a woman and no decent man would ever appreciate you'.

What the actual fuck is happening in this thread?????

Jesus Christ! He’s been diagnosed as autistic, or being a narcissit. He’s gay. He’s asexual. He’s a misogynist. He’s playing games......

Apropos of him saying “I’m not into it and I don’t want to lead you on.”

Have a word with yourselves, ffs.

Reading responses from some of the women on this thread makes me afraid for my sons.

@pessimistic 😂😂😂😂😂😂

His messages were nasty and unnecessary, they would have me running for the hills and thanking my lucky stars I didn't get involved with him.

You're allowed to be confident and extroverted and sure of yourself op. God forbid a woman would know her worth eh. Don't let him or anyone else fuck with your self esteem.

"You're allowed to be confident and extroverted and sure of yourself op."

Been approached so many times by men who'd describe themselves like this but are actually just arrogant and won't take no for an answer because surely you can't possibly mean that you're not interested in them, you just need persuading.

"His messages were nasty and unnecessary,"

Just makes me wonder how many subtler cues op missed before he reached the point of having to be absolutely clear and direct.

God forbid a woman would know her worth eh

There’s a difference between a woman knowing her worth and repeatedly trying it on with someone and refusing to accept NO. Infact this is the total opposite of knowing your worth. A woman who knows her worth , would just accept that this guy isn’t interested and move on to someone who values her qualities.

Just makes me wonder how many subtler cues op missed before he reached the point of having to be absolutely clear and direct.

This 👆👆👆👆 x 1000

The op said in her opening post that the guy is introverted and shy , i imagine he probably felt he had exhausted all other ways of telling her no and resorted to bluntness . Even then the OP is convinced that because he remembers certain things about her , he still secretly holds a torch for her. I can’t roll my eyes back enough

You're allowed to be confident and extroverted and sure of yourself op.

You’re also allowed to not be attracted to someone and tell her so.

This is not a feminist issue and making it one is why people take the piss out of feminism.

This is a woman who is so convinced of her own attractiveness that she literally can’t get over someone not wanting her.

If anyone is a narcissist it’s not the poor fucker who’s only crime was one objectively harsh text message!

He seems cruel and what he said must have hurt you. Perhaps deep down you’re trying to prove he was wrong in his assessment of you by winning him over - ie if he fancies you he must have been wrong or lying about what he wrote to you. His assessment is neither here nor there, he put it nastily in a way to knock your confidence and upset you. Don’t let it, keep that self confidence up, head up and carry on being you

Out of his league? Maybe he sensed the cockiness and wasnt interested. Some men like quiet modest girls.
You may be beautiful and funny but that doesnt mean you are everyone's type.

His message was very blunt and hurtful, I would believe him. He just isn't into you. Sorry, move on there are plenty of men would love to date you. I believe you are just shocked he knocked you back and you want the challenge.

OP can know her worth, can be as funny, extroverted and loud as she wants.

That doesnt oblige every man to want to be with her.

And while she can be who she is. So can he. Even if that's someone that's really blunt.

Besides, which op knows her worth. But doesnt know the worth of someone she apparently really likes. She thinks she is out of his league. If she has come across like that to him, that he is so lucky she is even looking at him twice, then I can understand his blunt statement.

He‘s not interested, you need to find another outlet for those energies so you’re no longer thinking about him! He was pretty rude but you know where you stand. Time to forget about him.