A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

I think you need some counselling.

Was there a grownup in your life when you were growing up who seemed to reject you no matter what you did to try and be emotionally close to them?

If so, the reason you're obsessing over the one guy who doesn't want you is that he feels familiar. And there's a very primitive part of our brains that tells us familiarity = safety. Subconsciously you may be trying to heal your childhood wounds by winning him over = winning the rejecting parent over.

Adult Children of Emotionally Rejecting Parents is a great book I found on Amazon which is really helping me to notice and change and break free of these patterns of behaviour. Highly recommend.

I genuinely can’t see where he has been rude / obnoxious/ horrible or is clearly not a feminist (wtf????) etc.

He has told you clearly he’s not interested. He’s absolutely entitled to do this!!!!! Would be worse if he had led you on.

He’s perfectly polite / nice to you in a work context, as he should be.

There are no mixed messages.

Like a PP I’m appalled too at people saying he could be gay, asexual, a virgin etc. Jesus Christ!! How old are you all?????

OP - he doesn’t like you in a romantic context. He never has. He never will. That is not a reflection on you or your worth on this planet. It’s just life. He has a choice on this matter, as we all do. He doesn’t want you. You’re not for him. It’s hard but it’s a fact. You need to move on and leave him alone. It’s not a personal failure that you can’t attract him. He’s made his choice. It’s not you. You can try to rationalise it all you want.

If you really can’t pull yourself together then maybe you should start job hunting. This is not healthy!!

Feeling a bit sorry for the OP after this pile on. She knows he's not interested, she makes it very clear in her original post she knows that, so why is everyone shouting it at her in capped letters like she's completely stupid? Her question was actually to ask how to stop herself overthinking the situation and to help her let go of it.
FWIW, OP, I think the reason you're dwelling on it is because his message rejecting you was pretty much a character assassination and unnecessarily brutal. Fine he doesn't like you or want to pursue anything, but he didn't need to rip your personality apart. So focus on the fact that. Why would you want to even be friends with someone who could be so hurtful and thinks you're such a turn off? Even if he did suddenly change his mind highly unlikely you'll always be checking yourself around him, worrying that you're being OTT and he'll dump you if you're too lairy on a night out. Before you know it you'll be moderating your personality to please him. Who wants to be in a relationship like that?

He just doesn’t like you in that way, he maybe laughs at your jokes because you are funny and remembers things about you because he has a brain that retains information? You can’t force someone to fancy you, although you are ‘out of his league’ he just doesn’t find you attractive which is ok, learn to let it go and move on.

Do you think this guy put it so bluntly that he doesn’t like you in that way because you didn’t listen to his subtle hints?

I think you need to stop obsessing over it for your own benefit, he has made it clear he’s not interested and worrying about it has stopped you from moving on from it. Unless you were pawing at him/making him obviously uncomfortable when you went out together then you’ve not done anything wrong at all. His response was over the top and exceptionally rude. Are you quite ‘made up’ (fake tan, nails etc)? I’m wondering if that’s what he meant about not being in to girls like you and he’s being a dick about it. Presumably you wouldn’t want to go out with someone like that anyway?!

She and I both think it means they are completely intimidated by confident women.

That sounds very arrogant. I am sure some are. However, its perfectly acceptable to not want to be with an extrovert.

I am confident, but not an extrovert. I dont want to be with an extrovert my best friends husband is and find it exhausting to be around.

Assuming that if someone doesn't like you its showing a big character flaw is arrogant. Not everyone will like you. That doesnt mean they are wrong or intimidated.

I have an issue with the "out of his league" statement. By who's standards?

I think you want to go out with him because he is a challenge to you. He does not want anything more than a professional relationship with you. He's made that very clear and direct. I actually think he was being pretty decent to tell you that from the get go.

You must keep all contact with him to an absolute minimum at work. He doesn't seem to mix his words and you don't want to find yourself hauled into HR.

In the nicest possible way, get over it. You aren't fixated on him as such, you are fixated on the rejection which sounds like it is a new experience to you and you are confusing yourself by not recognising this.

Spend your weekend doing things you enjoy and meet up with friends and family who want to spend time with you and appreciate your personality for what it is.

Theres nothing to be confused about, let your ego take it on the chin and move on.

You need to properly reflect on what it is about him that you like so much. He's behaving quite rudely towards you, seems to have a deficit of social skills and has said loud and clear that he doesn't find you attractive.

What is it about this that's appealing? Who does he remind you of?

It's been like a punch to the guy to you as an attractive woman to have been rejected. You weren't expecting it. You're wounded.
Stop thinking to think what could be 'wrong' with him to explain this. He just doesn't like you like that.

Punch to the gut*! Unfortunately typo

Wow, this thread got a bit heated. OP I hope you're okay!
As PP have said, I don't really see what is driving you insane about this situation. He enjoyed your company for a while, then felt it was going down a road he didn't want to go down with you, so he told you this in a firm way so there are no debates, now he is trying to get on at work and be professional around you in the presence of others. Granted he was a bit rude in his message perhaps, but perhaps he also felt he had to be firm, and perhaps the whole thing has made him uncomfortable, hence avoiding eye contact in the corridor. We don't know what happened when you were both drunk, it doesn't really matter now. Time to let this go.

My god this thread is bonkers.

People stating the guy is weird, rude, nasty, probably autistic, gay, repressed, misogynistic and socially incompetent.

Purely because he did what women often struggle to do - make it quite clear that he’s not interested in someone of the opposite sex. Women tend to be conditioned into appeasing others, and often are too afraid to be direct.

We only have the OPs word for it that she’s beautiful, bright and bubbly and he’s a knob for rejecting her. Maybe she’s gobby, loud, overwhelming, invaded his personal space, made him feel really uncomfortable and he felt he needed to be explicit in how he had absolutely no intention of dating her to avoid any doubt as she maybe doesn’t take no for an answer, especially under the influence of alcohol?

Maybe he is a bit of a dick and the OP is amazing but when it boils down to it no means no.

She and I both think it means they are completely intimidated by confident women

Not necessarily. She’s just maybe not for them and they’re not for her. Which is fine and doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with anyone. Not everybody likes “bounce”; for others, it’s great fun to be around. Horses for courses. Think of it in terms of Winnie the Pooh characters; Rabbit isn’t intimidated by Tigger; he just isn’t his sort of person. But they can all get on in their own way.....!

His message after you went out was really harsh, he could have stopped after 'I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.' And ignoring eye contact for 3 months after a single date seems over the top. OP you didn't do anything wrong and you're not going to gain any new knowledge by obsessing over it now. Go on some dates with other people, keep yourself busy and it will pass.

OP, he doesn't need to explain anything and you don't need to analyse him to decide why he doesn't fancy you. Anyone has the right to say no to anybody else without having to explain themselves. Noone is under an obligation to fancy somebody else.

What you need to do is to find a way of distracting yourself to take your thoughts away from him. Friends, a hobby, something fun to look forward to.

He sounds shit scared to be honest OP.

Based on everything you've said I'd say he fancies you physically but he is turned off by your loud and strong personality and is more suited to the librarian type of girl with buttoned up cardigans and a book club membership.

I think you'd eat the poor bastard alive 😂

I do think he has told you and you must accept it but some posters have been very harsh.

I think that the reason you are so obsessed with him is because he’s not interested
It sounds like you are very outgoing and attractive, which some men like and I’m sorry but there is a whiff of you doing him a favour by being attracted to him BUT he’s not interested- how very dare he??!!
I don’t think he’s been harsh or rude, he’s been very clear that he isn’t attracted to you, or maybe he is but you are a bit much for him.
Stay as colleagues, if you calm down a bit you might even be friends but you shouldn’t harass him or make things weird at work

Poor OP. Anyone would be upset with a message like that.

Us women we are skilled at saying no in a way that is polite and doesn’t assassinate the man’s character. Why shouldn’t she expect the same?

I doubt anyone here has told a guy that their personality is a complete “turn off”, especially if the guy hadn’t even asked them out.

Sometimes I feel like posters are so intent on appearing to treat women by the same standards as men that they end up treating women a lot more harshly.

Hi message to you was really rude.

‘Girls like you’

Fuck him op, could be a million reasons why he acts the way he does. But absolutely don’t need some one like that in your life.

And I actually think he is gay. He flirts back when he has an audience only.

Cutting through the crap here @OP I would find yourself another distraction or love interest. There are plenty of eligible guys out there. Just make sure they aren’t from work!
He is an enigma which is why you find yourself attracted to him. Try and look for his flaws. They are there believe me (everyone has them). Then repeat these to yourself daily.

I'd be horrified if a guy behaved like this towards me. You need to back off and leave him the hell alone.

He's not interested. Stop trying to read things into his behaviour that aren't there.

"Out of his league." FGS. Have a word with yourself

And ignoring eye contact for 3 months after a single date seems over the top.

It wasnt a date.

All the people saying he was harsh or horrible.

Maybe he picked up the vibe the OP was giving out that he should be grateful she was giving the time of day, because she is out of his league. Or that he didnt really have a choice about wether he dated her or not, just be grateful, wether he wants to or not.