A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

Remembering things about you doesn’t necessarily mean he’s interested in you , I remember random facts about loads of people I couldn’t care less about I’m just very good at retaining bits of info . Leave the man alone before you embarrass yourself .

'I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'

What do you think he was referring to there?

He was certainly very blunt and harsh, but I'd be interested to know what exactly happened to see if it's 'justified' or of he's a bit of an introverted, judgemental oddball with 'issues'.

In saying that; he's made it very clear, for whatever reasons, that he's not interested and while rejection is one of the hardest things to take in life; take it.

You can't have everybody you want, sometimes these scenarios crop up, even when you're attractive, even when objectively you might be more attractive than they are; it happens. The longer you're out there interacting with people, socialising etc., The more likely you are to encounter it.

It's a reflection on your self esteem, maturity etc that you wrote it off, cut your losses, whatever and move on; do t get caught up in trying to 'win', in refusing to accept it; you'll just waste your time and energy. Also in this case, be ause its work, you really need to him it a wide berth.

Most of us have had our odd little incidents/rejections like me these, he's nothing special; don't let him acting like this make you think he is. To be honest, unless you were groping him under the table (!) or something, he sounds quite poorly adjusted to have reacted so strongly and sent you those harsh messages, many people wouldve been able to handle the situation with more grace and finesse.

Even if you’re as “out of his league” as you say, attraction isn’t only on looks. You really might be too loud etc. It’s not an insult (although the way he said it definitely was - very rude).

I think your confidence has been shaken by somebody rejecting you outright. He could have been kinder but would you have accepted it or would you have thought he was playing games? Maybe this guy likes to do the chasing? Maybe he likes quieter girls and your personality is fun but he doesn't want a relationship with you? I think it is hard to accept that because you felt you clicked? But he obviously didn't think you clicked in the same way. Keep it professional at work and move on.

Somebody on this board recently had a similar type question where the guy wasn't into her. One of the replies she got was not to hang around like a dog begging for scraps. It resonated with me because I was in a long term 'non' relationship where I hung around far too long and it really dented my confidence.I cringe now looking back. I think the previous poster received good advice and it might serve you well too. Move on and if you want to keep chasing him, remember don't beg for scraps!

• write it off

I'm embarrassed to say this but does his behaviour remind you of a parent? one of your parents, that is.

Looks like this may have triggered something in you.

Commiserations, limerence is hell

You're bordering on sexual harassment territory if you don't back off.

babushkaya: Take it from me if it was meant to be then it would have been by now:-)

Its not happening so leave it and move on.

Its no more complicated than that!

I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'

Further along the lines of what honeyroar said; this (without knowing what he's referring to) makes him sound very judgemental of women, and like he categorises them into good girls and not; perhaps his upbringing has lead to this sort of mindset; it sounds like he judges a female harshly did being flirtatious, 'forward' etc. and has some rather archaic, sexist views (again without knowing what happened) ... That doesn't sound like a good person to get into a relationship with at all.

If I dumped a guy and he kept pursuing me, I would have to call police if I felt in danger.

I'm not pursuing or stalking him

Op I totally understand as have the same situation but it’s even bigger than yours because he was my best friend. I could be in his presence and almost feel the love radiating from him - it sounds cheesy but it’s true, I know that he loves me. He had an intense need to know everything about me, cared deeply and did all the other things you’d expect a man to do when they have feelings. I also know he has significant issues.

BUT he says that he doesn’t and I have to take him at his word and move on. It’s hard but there are lots of reasons why this may be the case and you’d make yourself crazy trying to unpick it. Maybe these men are self sabotaging, maybe they have avoidant attachment styles, maybe the love is a different non romantic love, maybe maybe maybe. There’s no point thinking about it because rumination isn’t going to give us the answers we seek or the outcome we want.

We just need to move on and, as pp said, stop waiting for scraps.

Hmm. Another strong vote for backing off, but I also wonder if it's not that he's not interested. The sheer nastiness of his message to you suggests he might be one of those douchebros who think that hurting a woman's feelings is a way to make her even more desperate to get her hands on his dick. The fact that he's chatty and friendly from time to time is designed to keep you worrying about him, thinking about him, trying to please him. And a man like that is really, really not worth having.

You've started a whole thread on here about a guy who has told you politely to go away.

He’s very rude, unprofessional and seemingly two-faced. Isn’t that enough to dampen your enthusiasm for him? Ask yourself why you’d want this in a partner?

Are you perhaps also too used to being appreciated by men, and this shock is more about worrying if you’re losing your feminine wiles somehow?

Either way, spend your energies looking at yourself and your own personal growth not tallying up the eye-contact and ‘signs’ from this guy. Set yourself up properly for your next successful relationship.

And dating colleagues is not ideal...

You’re young, attractive and vivacious, from what you’ve said. So why can’t you see that you can do better than this bloke?

He plays “hot and cold” games
He still won’t look you in the eye (how pathetic)
He was quite nasty in his rejection of you, and seems to be highly judgemental about women and their behaviour

Go out. Have fun. Meet someone new, someone who actually fancies you and is upfront about it. Don’t play the pick-me dance with this twat. Even if he were to start dating you now, he would be instantly in the position of greater power in the relationship, and you’d be feeling like you have to conform to what he wants. Yuck.

He's told you he's not interested. Move on.

In the nicest possible way, get over it. Yes, he might have been interested in you initially but once he got to know you a little, he realised you weren't for him. He avoids being alone with you because he doesn't want to lead you on and probably overcompensates in company because he doesn't want others to notice that he isn't keen on you. He's friendly in work-related contact because he's professional.

It wouldn't matter if you were the most beautiful woman in the world, he doesn't like your 'intimidating' personality. Not everybody is as superficial to believe that looks are everything.

I think you’ve misunderstood something. Perhaps you think you’re out of his league (lookswise?). I think he’s saying you’re not. He’s not into you. He doesn’t like your ‘type’.

Move on.

The guy avoids having to talk to you, having to make eye contact etc. He's fucking petrified - why? Because you're a stalker

But harsh Maywiddle - sounds more like he’s embarrassed or feels awkward around her.

I had a colleague ask me out at work a few years ago, I pointed out that I was married, and from that day on he behaved like this guy as well. It was embarrassment on his part, I certainly wasn’t stalking him.

The guy avoids having to talk to you, having to make eye contact etc. He's fucking petrified - why? Because you're a stalker.

Hy fk, that's a bit full on.

Maybe he's just a bit weird/has poor social skills and can't handle the situation confidently & kindly. You do get people like that too, you know.

seems to be highly judgemental about women and their behaviour

Exactly.

Even if he was interested, he doesn't sound like good relationship material.