A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

And I actually think he is gay. He flirts back when he has an audience only.

Bloody hell. He decides he doesnt want to date, so he must be gay.

Imagine the reaction if a man claimed he fancied a woman but she said no. 'How dare she, when I am out of her league......she must be a lesbian'

The people saying "he's probably gay" are deluded; does it make someone gay if they don't immediately fancy a member of the opposite sex? Chemistry isn't just one tick box, it's a huge list of traits that are so particular to each person that there's rarely a definite "type".

It's fine that he doesn't like her in that way, and whilst his assassination of OP might not have come over well, her "I'm out of his league" is probably part of why she just doesn't do it for him. It doesn't make him gay that an overly-confident woman doesn't do it for him, and surely by 2019 we ought to be past the point of assuming someone's gay simply because we get rejected or denigrating other women by saying he needs a buttoned-up librarian.

OP hasn’t according to her post done anything further to try and get the man to change his mind.

She’s just obsessing over him.

OP he’s either serious and isn’t interested.

Or he’s doing some weird game playing to try to get you hooked.

Either way leave him well alone, he doesn’t sound interested at best.

You don’t want to make work life uncomfortable and definitely don’t want to be hauled up to HR over a bloke who’s clearly rejected you. If he’s sent you an email he can use that to HR to show he’s firmly turned you down, any action from you makes you look crazy.

Maintain a dignified business like demeanour with him.
Don’t flirt, don’t banter, if he chooses to avoid eye contact when passing you in the corridor just carry on your merry way. Don’t waste any more head space on him.

Just because he doesn’t fancy op (he told her why) doesn’t mean he is gay!

It sounds like does like you as a friend but that's it. He's not attracted to you. Even if you think you are out of his league, it doesn't make a difference if you aren't his type, he's not going to be attracted to you because other people are

He's probably picked up on the fact you think you're out of his league. I'm bisexual and find men and women who seem to think they can have anyone a massive turn off and usually slimey.

I'd honestly let it go. He's been honest rather than string you along so that's that.

OP he’s not interested. End of story. Also, he was rude in his messages to you about your ‘behaviour’. It sounds like you were being nice and chatty and enjoying each other’s company and he used that to be critical.

Just move on.

Neither of you has covered yourself in glory, tbh.

From what you’ve said it seems he was unnecessarily brutal.

However, you’ve convinced yourself that you’re such a catch it’s impossible he wouldn’t thank his lucky stars to be with you. You’re only out of his league according to you.

He might think you’ve a face like a melted basin!

And your confidence could be you being an abrasive, loud, attention-seeking exhibitionist, for example.

You’re sounding a bit Samantha Brick-esque but I’m sure that’s not what you’re like.

Bottom line is you’ve only ever been on work nights out. He’s told you VERY clearly what he thinks.

These posters telling you that he’s gay (what, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck???) or that he’s playing hard to get, or he’s a misogynist that wants you to chase after him, aren’t really helping.

He’s told you what he thinks. There is ZERO reason to assume there’s some hidden meaning. He doesn’t like you. He’s allowed to not like you.

Move 👏 on 👏

I think it's pretty unusual for anyone to send such a strong message as he did and I really wonder if he had made previous subtle attempts to tell the OP but they went completely over her head so he had to resort to brutal truth?

My guess is that he's religious and judges you harshly for being forward with him. "Women like you" 🤨

If he changes his mind, do NOT go there.
DO NOT GO THERE.
Madness lies beyond. He will cause you to feel inherently disgusting until you are an anxious mess and your self esteem is destroyed.

Anyone else desperate to know what the hell the OP did on their drunken night out that terrified the poor guy so much?

Carol's, probably touched his arm, danced with him, held his hand and maybe they kissed. Normal "got together at party" stuff. I doubt she did a strip tease for the whole company.

Was it really a work do with other people or did he get there and realise it was just you and him? 😂

PicsInRed

Agree with your posts

Yep op you sound like a massive big head (sorry ) it doesn’t matter how attractive you seem yourself to be it doesn’t matter to him.
I see lots of guys around my work place like this , they are traditionally / obviously attractive , loud , slightly full of themselves , really think they are a genuine catch , when you turn them down they start psycho analysing you , “oh she must be emotionally unavailable/ been really hurt / has bad taste / is gay/ intimidated by someone successful” ffs you won’t be to everyone’s taste , get over it and maybe read some books on how to be more modest and unassuming.

Just a reminder.... no matter what 'league' you think you're in.... no means no.

He clearly felt the need to articulate it very clearly to you.

You clearly aren't hearing it.

No. Means. No.

Consent. It's a thing.

And to be honest I’ve said in the past to men that have been really forward “men like you are not my type , I don’t appreciate the intensity of it” and I’m not overly religious or overly anything , from past experience I’ve learned that extroverted people sometimes find it difficult to take no for an answer so you have to be very direct . It saves everyone time in the end .

I think this is an example of successful negging. He said something nasty about you and your response has been to try to prove to him that really you are great. Why do you need to prove that to him? I don't think you are actually so much obsessed with him as with that need. I recognize this behaviour because I used to be the same way before I dealt with some issues I had from childhood.

Also in my experience, a certain type of man (often a man who rarely has interest from women) will think that once a woman shows some interest in, she is madly in love with him and is forever more. He will act like is is terrified like any sign of friendliness from you will make you fall at his feet and declare your passion. And he will keep this behaviour up for years after you have moved on and rarely think of him. Nothing to be done about except roll your eyes and get on with your life.

What @Putthatlampshadeonyourhead said. You think/thought you were too good for him and he's turned you down so you can't stop dwelling on it. He's been straight with you so I think you need to take it and move on like almost everyone else has said x

What he said was nasty! Him not being interested is one thing - and she needs to respect it - but he put it very rudely. OP you need to find someone who appreciates your personality for what it is

Or he’s doing some weird game playing to try to get you hooked.

Now that has got to be the most stupid thing I’ve read this week. It’s almost encouraging the OP !!
imagine if that was said to a man who had been spurned . “Oh don’t worry lad , she’s just playing mind games with you, keep on at her some more , until she cracks”

You not heard of sexual harassment?! it’s illegal you know

"Hi message to you was really rude."

Well his messages began 'it was obvious you were hitting on me' so one can only imagine what op was doing to make it so very obvious, in the face of the guy's reluctance and disinterest.

Maybe 'blunt' was the only avenue left to him after subtler hints had failed.

"And I actually think he is gay. He flirts back when he has an audience only."

Not really. He is friendly and professional in the presence of work colleagues but avoids unnecessary contact.

"Carol's, probably touched his arm, danced with him, held his hand and maybe they kissed. Normal "got together at party" stuff. I doubt she did a strip tease for the whole company."

Have you really never been on the receiving end of unwanted, persistent attention from a man? It's unpleasant. When it gets to the point where you have to spell out that you're not interested in words of one syllable, you're pretty much at the end of your rope.

Maybe he sent an unusually strong message because he is unusually rude and judgy!!! Forget him OP