A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

Notaprimeminister has some good points. I enjoy my more extroverted friends but in smaller doses. I love working at home alone most of the day, with some interaction on my terms. I would now find an office too draining. I love being with my family but even so I do appreciate the quietness when they all go back to work/ school. Maybe he knows you don't have a long term future and doesn't want to get involved and maybe miss meeting someone who would be more compatible.

You're missing the point. It doesn't matter WHY he said no, just that he said NO.

Despite him being very clear and direct in his rejection of you, you continue to carry some hope that he doesn't really mean it.

I suspect that is precisely why he was so clear and direct - because he knew you wouldn't hear anything gentler, kinder or woolier.

When you message him about work he is friendly, and when you are in meetings together he is friendly, but at all other times he avoids you. To me, he is doing everything right and that is exactly what I would tell a friend to do if they were on the receiving end of some unwanted workplace attention.

Some of the replies here are outrageous btw - maybe he's a scared virgin, gay, asexual, judgmental of women?? Honestly, if you rejected a man and he said you must be a scared virgin, asexual, a lesbian I think I know what your opinion of that man would be.

OP, something you said or did, maybe just your extremely confident personality, made him realise that you weren't going to pick up on any subtle cues to back off so made it crystal clear. It really is just time to leave it now.

And I don't think notaprimeminister deserved such a harsh response. She was, after all, trying to offer op an explanation for some of the behaviour she's finding confusing. Of course op needs to accept 'no' and the reasons for that no don't really matter, but she is on here looking for some insight after all.

Out of curiosity, what did you reply to his messages? If anything. This might give some insight into the behaviour you’ve had from him since.

Your stalking the OP on here @MayWiddle so wind your neck in

@MayWiddle I've reported you, now do fuck off

@MayWiddle
As a pp said, you're the one who's stalking now. DFOD

Just leave him alone and be careful.

I had an issue last summer where a colleague was behaving like you, despite ignoring her unless absolutely necessary she continued messaging me (and sometimes even sent messages via my work email). She wasn’t getting the message so instead I informed my line manager and HR that unless she stopped I would be reporting her for harrassment.

HR dealt with it by moving her to one of our offices in Wales.

If you carry on you could genuinely be risking your job.

Leave a note on his desk.

Do you like me

Yes or No

He can circle the answer and give it to you at playtime lunch

To answer your op, yes I think you are deluding yourself. He's made it clear, quite cruelly I thought, that he's not interested. Maybe you need to realise that he's not playing hard to get. If he has to message you because of work just answer with work related replies and don't enter into any other conversation. Start training yourself to look away every time you see him. As soon as you start thinking about him try and deliberately change your thought processes. It will take time but I think you need to accept that he's not the man for you.

I dont like men that are full on. I like to get to know someone. If someone is clearly trying to come on to me, I dont like it.

If a woman posted here that her partner said he had a colleague trying to come on to him at every work party, she would be told he needs to send a clear message he isnt interested, in writing and go to HR if she doesnt back off. If he didnt he probably, liked her attention, wasnt nipping it in the bud.

People can trying and talk crap about him but we dont know him. He may be not a nice person, or he may have said those things so there was no room for her to think 'maybe he does like me and is playing hard to get'.

This is more about the fact that the OP can not believe someone 'out of her league' isnt interested. Its dented her ego. If she can look for signs he is interested, it helps the damage to her ego.

I mean, if you like someone, why on earth would you think they are out of your league? You clearly dont like them that much.

And every slagging him off for what he said, how is that worse than her thinking he shouldnt have turned her down and should have been grateful she was interested.

OP, you need to let this go. I remember that the guy who sits next to me has 2 brothers, 3 kids, a mum, dad and step dad. I dont fancy him.

I know that my boss has 2 brothers. Dont fancy him either.

You need to let thos go. He has been clear. He isnt interested. You need to move on

Do you know what, he doesn't sound like a very nice person. What he said was judging you in a bit of a sinister way.... GENUINELY think about if you would even want him as a partner. Sounds like he dislikes women and might be quite nasty in relationships.

OP to me you do come over as arrogant and with an extraordinarily high opinion of yourself and your attractiveness. Looking at the time you posted this may, in part, be because you'd had a few glasses of wine. I suspect you are not used to being rejected and are struggling to process what has happened.

This man has very clearly told you he's not interested. Perhaps he could have been more tactful but he's been polite and very clear. Respect his decision, remain professional and friendly at work.

I can't quite believe this.

FFS if this was a guy OP saying this about a woman the responses would be oh so different.

It doesn't matter that you are 'out of his league'.

it doesn't matter that lots of guys want to date you.

HE SAID NO. HE DOES NOT WANT TO DATE YOU

It's enough. You don't need to micro analyse the shit out of it and any hidden meaning in his body language. It's too intense I'm cringing for you.

You are obsessing and deluding yourself because of your own ego and self esteem issues.

Please leave the poor guy alone or it would be sexual harassment and intimidation/stalking.

And for future reference, big shock some guys will not fancy you. HTH.

Also...to the posters implying she is sexually harassing him... I think YOU LOT are minimising sexual harassment. The OP is NOT harassing him. She is obsessing...as women do...trying to understand. NO HARASSMENT is occurring.

OP this is all about your ego. Not every man in the world is going to want to be with you. If that is such a big issue for you, you may need to consider counselling.

I'm betting his harsh blunt response was after a myriad of obvious cringe inducing 'flirtation' . The guy sounds fed up.
The op is asking if she is being delusional after that NEON FLASHING message.. Respectfully, OP does not strike me as someone who would understand subtle cues. Even after the blunt harsh message she is still wondering..and yet some of you are saying well he doesn't like women, it's sinister oh please....

I agree it's not harassment. As she isnt doing anything to him, yet. Not following not keeping coming on to him.

But if she is as full on as she claims, he maybe very aware she is looking for signs he does like her. He maybe aware that each converstation is her scrutinizing every look and words.

I mean, her turned her down 3 months ago and she is still thinking that maybe he does like her.

There seem to be an awful lot of women on here who can’t take no for an answer when it comes to workplace crushes. How strange......

OP, if you’ve made someone feel so uncomfortable they can’t even look at you, then best to leave them alone, no?

She is obsessing...as women do...

Bit sexist, no? I, for one, have never 'obsessed' like this over anyone, not since school at least and even then I would have known that not interested means not interested!