A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

[babushkaya]

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

Whatever his beef is, it's not worth the effort.

They never are. At best he's flaky, at worst he's a misogynistic arse. Neither of these men are worth your emotional investment. Channel your feelings for him into a creative pursuit.

I don't think I could ever fancy a man who told me I was a turn off.

Do you like your job? I used to work for the social aspect and the pension, but my job was dull. Would working somewhere more challenging suit you more?

You absolutely do, as you say, need to get over it. It doesn't matter what his reasoning is that no means no and should be respected.

Know someone like this.

Even down to the “Girls like...” bit.

One woman asked him out in his 30s and he slagged her off to anyone who would listen. Seemed complete aghast that a female had tried to pick him up.

Count yourself as having had a lucky escape.

Hi Op

This guy doesn’t like you. End of. As gorgeous as you may be, you’re not his type.
This really needs to be the end of it.
Best of luck.

Imagine if the OP was a man writing about a woman he wants....
shivers

He's not into you.
Accept it.
Don't be a loser by harassing him.
Don't be that stalker.

I had a similar experience once, not quite the same as I didn’t think I was ‘out of his league’ but the way he responded and your description of him makes me wonder if it’s the same guy!

I have a friend who I once had feelings for/attraction to and like you, I made the first move - by telling him I liked him as more than a friend and did he maybe feel the same. As you said, I got what I thought were all the right signals with him during the build up to my confession but he stated quite matter of factly that he wasn’t interested and that he does NOT like women making the first move as it freaks him out. I never asked why.

We worked together then (on the same team at work so I was mortified the following Monday - wondering how it would be to interact with him) thankfully he greeted me normally and we pretty much carried on from there as friends. He still makes the same amount of eye contact and has the body language to suggest he is in some way attracted to me, but after I managed to disentangle myself from my romantic feelings for him I noticed that he was like this with the few people he feels comfortable with, he dedicates his entire focus to them because he too is shy and doesn’t have a large group of friends.

It’s shite when you have feelings that aren’t returned but I’d say maybe your guy isn’t too dissimilar from my friend (Godfather to my twins and good friends with both me and DH now many years on )

If you reverse the genders in this and you were a guy chasing a girl then everyone would think you were being really fucking creepy. He's very clearly and fairly articulated to you that he's not interested and why, with very valid reasons. Yet you persist because you somehow think you're a great catch and he'll come to realise it once he gets over whatever is holding him back?! He has chosen to have minimal daily interaction with you unless he has to for politeness reasons so he's set clear boundaries of what he wants from you. Debating his social skills or relationship status as reasons why he's rejected you is completely besides the point, he's clearly told you exactly why he's rejected you. Accept his reasons and respect his boundaries just as you would want a man to behave towards you when his advances are unwanted. Yeah you're a total creep, get over yourself or he'll have ground for a sexual harrassment case.

If it was my son or daughter coming to me with the problem of someone fixated on them I would advise them to be kind but firm in letting them down. Don't make eye contact. Try to engage with your colleagues as you usually do.

If they came to me a few weeks later with said person stalking them my advice would be to go to HR in the workplace or police in their private lives. No-one deserves to have to put up with your fixation just because you've decided they don't know what's best for themselves.

However amazing you think you may be, and you are, this guy just isn't interested.

If you were a man, everyone on here would be saying you should be reported to HR. Your desperation is alarming. He's 100% not interested in you so back off and get over it.

Besides, you work in the same company so it should be a No-No anyway.

WTF?
I'm married to someone I met at work 🙄

I'm not sure what you are expecting. He couldn't make it more plain if he tried. You may be the most attractive woman in the world - it doesn't matter - he has told you he has zero interest in you - what more do you want? Are you really so arrogant as to believe because you're 'out of his league' (whatever that's supposed to mean) he should be falling at your feet in gratitude despite what he has said? He finds your behaviour a turn off. He doesn't want a relationship with you so what is there to be confused about?

I don't think he was rude - I'm guessing the OP doesn't do subtle and he said what he needed to get his message across loud and clear.

Unless he had said FUCK OFF, he couldn't have been more unequivocal. He is saying - NO!

"Out of his league."

Christ on a bike.

I had to comment on this thread because I am literally the female version of the guy you are talking about (extremely introverted) and I can tell you right now why he sent you the message he did.

I'm sure he likes you as a person and is being genuine in the moments that you spend together. He probably finds you very attractive, interesting and enjoys chatting and laughing with you... but introverts tend to know themselves very well and he would have realised pretty quickly that he would only be able to be around you in small doses.

You sound lovely. But you describe yourself as being extroverted. I imagine you are engaging, bubbly and a very vibrant personality that attracts men easily.

The problem with extreme introverts, is that we find being socially 'on' very tiring. While I enjoy being around extroverted people (vibrant, bubby, high energy, etc), if I am exposed to it for too long I need to lie on the floor because I get too tired! (I am not even joking)

People like your lovely introverted colleague, need time out by themselves to recharge after situations like this. My own personal ratio is 1:4. For every 1 hour of being socially 'on', I need 4 hours to recover.

I am very well aware that a relationship between myself and a very extroverted person is doomed to fail, no matter how much I like them, because I would get too drained and eventually resent them. It sounds like your lovely man recognised this very early on, did all the thinking (as we introverts tend to do) and told you very honestly how things were. There's no getting around this without one or the other of you having a personality transplant.

There are no mixed signals here. He does like you, he is being genuine. He enjoys laughing and chatting with you. He probably avoids your eyes because he doesn't know what to do or say (awkward). I'm sure he realises you're confused.

He was being completely honest when he said you were too full on for him. Nothing against you as a person, you are just not compatible.

I hope this helps you OP. :)

Your obsessing I think rightly because of things quickly turned from this seems ok to him being nasty and then ignoring you but then beibg warm to you.

Also sometimes I've got obsessed because frankly I had no one else to think about so he was my distraction.

Try it you can to not overthink and it will pass and one day you will realise he's just a dick

I don't know, hard to judge not knowing exactly how you behaved, but to be honest, I don't like his response, it has something misogynistic about it, like "good girls don't hit on guys", some men might like it but not me, etc. I would be very wary of him.

Unless of course you were aggressive in your approach and somehow communicated to him that he should be grateful for your attention because you are "out of his league" that may explain the nastiness.

Still, forget about him , it's not happening, and I am not sure you really should want it to.

When someone tells you they’re not interested.... BELIEVE THEM

Of course the guy is going to try to be normal in the workplace. He has told the OP he's not interested. He's just trying to get on with work. I'd have you in front of HR if you were a guy and I was in his shoes OP. Think about that.

May - I suggest you put the wine down.

She just said she wondered how one chat where she may have been full on has led to awkward email and 3 months later him being so uncomfortable when he sees her.

She has. Right to come on here and chat about, she isn't suggesting stalking him

The guy has told her he's not interested! She's now stalking him at work, thinking he's avoiding her/he's speaking to her/obsessing over him/writing a thread about him on here! HE HAS SAID NO! NO!

Why should I be ignored? Because you can't hear what I'm saying?

The guy said NO.