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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

219 replies

babushkaya · 10/05/2019 23:59

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 11/05/2019 07:03

Op I’m going to be harsh-

You felt he should be grateful- you are out of his league and he’s a bit shy and introverted and whilst you had an unexpected attraction to him you still felt you were above him in attractiveness and social standing.

So when he said no (and I wonder when you got drunk that time if you became much more sexually aggressive than you realised- really turning on the flirting etc) your ego took a kick.

It’s actually really common to start obsessing and being desperate about someone who you feel should be grateful and then isn’t.
I strongly suspect if he did change his mind and you started a relationship then you would get bored and end up cooling it very rapidly. You are clearly not well matched.

Move on.
Give your head a proper shake and see this for what it is.
Move on.

Fazackerley · 11/05/2019 07:08

He sounds horrible! Hopefully you'll meet someone to take your mind off him soon.

londonrach · 11/05/2019 07:14

I dont see the problem op. He has told you hes not into you or wanting a relationship in very clear words. Accept that. Find someone who wants to be in a relationship. Enjoy this time getting to know someone x

AsleepAllDay · 11/05/2019 07:16

If he says he isn't interested, he isn't interested. You can't argue someone into wanting to be with you. Been there, done that.

PrincessTiggerlily · 11/05/2019 07:19

Maybe he's not a drinker. Going along with you for drinks a couple of times doesn't mean he likes regular drinking or partying.

PeakedTooEarly · 11/05/2019 07:20

I wonder if you made a mistake by apologising for your behaviour?

I think he was very rude to you but it depends on your behaviour I suppose.

Is it possible that had you not apologised and just said something like, 'welcome to extroverts :)' he would not be so vehement in his continued signs of avoidance and rejection of you.

Put another way. He negged you. You allowed him to (by apologising). He is continuing to neg you because he is getting pleasure from this.

AsleepAllDay · 11/05/2019 07:23

And he sounds fucking rude to boot. If a girl flirting with him can rock his world than he's probably very judgmental and it's doubtful he's much of a feminist.

I agree with the pp who said this could be reminding you of how a parent acted - judgemental? Distant? You needed to work to get their attention?

I've absolutely been there, putting myself out and asking men to go for a drink and so on. The ones who were weird and intimidated about it, I could write off

If you're out of his league, why do you fancy him? Sounds like he gives you scraps, by 'remembering' details and being polite when you message

Yet he can't look you in the eye! Cowardly

This isn't the basis for any sound relationship at all so best to just shelve it. Be pleasant around him but distant. Don't laugh at all his jokes. Be cool and it will actually follow in your head - if this harmless flirtation that backfired (no fault of yours, I add) is an obsession, you need to take a few steps back.

And knowing nothing about him, he's not great. Anyone who said I was too full on or similar (especially if I was flirting and not crossing any boundaries) would get a mouthful back for being so rude

Fazackerley · 11/05/2019 07:28

Yes i agree asleep

My dd is bouncy and confident and very beautiful. Even at 19 she's had a couple of guys tell her she's too full on. She and I both think it means they are completely intimidated by confident women. That sucks. She has an absolutely gorgeous bf now who thinks she's amazing.

Allhailthesun · 11/05/2019 07:29

I used to be like this throughout my teens and 20’s.I had good friends and was well liked by both sexes but never got asked out.
I did ALL the chasing, on men I fancied. I did get a couple to go out with me ( one for eight years)but in all honesty I knew that they weren’t fully interested.So the great feeling of being with someone I love was marred by the knowledge that I wasn’t the one they would have chosen.
That last one really hurt when he went off with someone else.
I gave up chasing after that. Bollocks to it. They can come to me.
And one did.

Messyisthenewtidy · 11/05/2019 07:29

Jesus Creepers, why is everyone so mean?

She’s not stalking him, just asking for some advice on how to interpret his words and get over it. His words were unusually harsh so of course they have hurt her.

And all that crap about “if the genders were reversed”... if the genders were reversed we’d be giving exact same advice which has unequivocally been to let it go.

OP he sounds a bit of a sexist knob. Not used to girls being so full on? You should have told him to go back to the 50s. There really no need to make you feel so bad and much nicer ways to tell someone to back off.

BlueJava · 11/05/2019 07:31

Move on - he's told you he isn't interested and been very upfront and honest with you. You should respect that and just be professional in future.

RantyAnty · 11/05/2019 07:34

Rejection is hard. You really can stop obsessing about him.
I'm only going by what you wrote as of course that's all we have but I've run across a few guys like this and they are the nastiest abusive jerks if you get to know them.

Similar to a covert narcissist.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 11/05/2019 07:38

This is already too much effort 😄 forget him!

NicoAndTheNiners · 11/05/2019 07:39

I don't think it matters "how out of his league" you are. He doesn't fancy you. I don't fancy every good looking guy I know/meet, even the ones I get on with/have stuff in common with. Chemistry/attraction is far more complicated.

I think what @notaprimeminister said makes a lot of sense but whatever his reasons for not being interested are accept them and don't think he's going to change his mind. He won't.

And no, I don't think you're stalking him at all. You've asked him once, since then you've been nothing but professional and you've started an anon thread here wondering about it. That is not being a stalker. Rather odd poster earlier saying you were.

NicoAndTheNiners · 11/05/2019 07:40

And yes if he finds you too full on he isn't the right guy for you so at least you know that now without wasting your time dating and starting something that wasn't going anywhere.

ConfCall · 11/05/2019 07:41

You don’t sound well-suited anyway tbh OP. Also, he seems harsh and judgmental (and if he’s not he has poor social skills). So, I don’t think that you’ve missed out on much. Focus on the fact that you’ve dodged a bullet, perhaps.

NameChangeNugget · 11/05/2019 07:41

She and I both think it means they are completely intimidated by confident women

What a sweeping generalisation Hmm

Nottheduchess · 11/05/2019 07:47

God he was rude. That would totally put me off for a start, surely you’d want a partner that likes you the way you are? Leave him there and move on.

Bluntness100 · 11/05/2019 07:47

You need to leave this man alone. He's been as clear as he can be he isn't interested in you. Yes he remains friendly in company but he is clearly trying to desperately show you he's not interested in private.

You reallyneed to try to accept it's never going to happen.

hellodarkness · 11/05/2019 07:48

"Sounds like he gives you scraps, by 'remembering' details and being polite when you message."

Surely it's just professional to be polite when you receive a work-related email? And I don't think remembering she has a brother is particularly shocking either. How is any of that 'giving you scraps'?

"She and I both think it means they are completely intimidated by confident women."

That could be true. But most women have been on the receiving end of attention from men who think they're 'confident' when actually they are just in your face, obnoxious, touchy, arrogant and just generally incapable of reading the fact that their attention is unwanted. It stands to reason that some women are like that too.

origamiunicorn · 11/05/2019 07:50

Just because you're (in your own words) very attractive doesn't mean everyone will be interested OP. Sounds like you are two different people personality wise. Or, maybe he thinks you think you can have anyone and maybe he feels you're having him on?

cookiechomper · 11/05/2019 07:52

Move on. It doesn't matter what the reason is, he's not interested and going by what he's said, he never will be. He didn't exactly put it lightly. Don't become desperate.

Fazackerley · 11/05/2019 07:58

What a sweeping generalisation

Yup, it is a bit. A bit like describing someone as full on. Someone who sent a message like that has social issues at best, is a weirdo at worst.

nickyXjayno · 11/05/2019 07:59

I have had so many men act like you do to me.
Even when I've made it quite clear I'm not interested any sign of friendliness they see as a sign I'm secretly interested.
He is obviously not shy if he can be as blunt as that and he comes across quite sure of himself and almost arrogant in those statements.
If he wanted you then I'm guessing you would know all about it

Pataya54 · 11/05/2019 08:01

I think it's actually more sexist to think that women can't possibly be overbearing, intense, stalkerish or full on and that these qualities are only applicable to men.