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Original poster

A guy I like at work told me he’s not interested and I’m so confused, am I deluding myself in not accepting that he just doesn’t like me?

219 replies

babushkaya · 10/05/2019 23:59

This is such a specific scenario, so please bear with me! I really like a guy I work with. He’s really shy and VERY introverted and after a couple of months of working there, I Slacked (workplace instant messaging) him asking him to come to work drinks with a big group of colleagues. He replied saying yes immediately and we spent all night chatting and we got on really well, the conversation was easy, light and definitely equally balanced (both engaged, making each other laugh, no one else just us two). The following week we did it all over again and we both got really drunk. The next day he sent me a private message saying ‘I don’t want to lead you on but I’m not looking for a relationship right now. It’s obvious you were hitting on me and I find you a bit too full on and it’s a turn off’ and 'I'm not used to girls like you, I'm sure there are guys that like it but it's not for me'. These are direct quotes. I was taken aback at first because I thought it was harsh but also because (this is going to sound so arrogant please don’t take this the wrong way, I’m really confused and hurt and being as honest as possible) I’m considered ‘out of his league’. Loads of guys at work have asked me out but I'm not interested in anyone but him. I was so shocked I didn't know how to react so I sort of responded to his messages by apologizing for my behaviour? This happened three months ago and I see him daily, he literally AVOIDS making eye contact with me, so much so that it has to be intentional, it’s actually more effort for him to not look at me than it being him naturally just not noticing me (we walk past each other alone in the corridor and he looks straight ahead as if I’m invisible). Yet in situations where we're forced into each other’s company, he laughs the loudest when I make a joke and he remembers details about my life that I told him before he rejected me (e.g. he mentioned to a colleague that I have a brother and he remembered the school I went to). I know I’m intimidating (confident and sure of myself, extroverted) and I’m not stupid- I know when a guy doesn’t like you to accept it for what it is BUT I can’t seem to get over this or let it go?? I’m so confused. A couple of people have mentioned that he might have social anxiety or be mildly autistic but I don’t want to use those as excuses! Why does this guy make so much effort to avoid me? We messaged each other yesterday (work related) and he was really friendly and fun but it was so confusing and hurtful to me I just didn’t reply after a while as I knew that as soon as I saw him again in the canteen or wherever he’d straight up ignore me again. Please help me, I’m going out of my mind! I get that he doesn't like me (a guy calling you a 'turn off' is pretty damning lol) BUT I can't stop myself trying to 'see' signs that he might (e.g. laughing at my jokes, remembering details about me). Where did I go wrong? He definitely showed interest at first (that much I am sure of) but now he can't even look at me? I feel foolish that I'm still obsessing over him.

OP posts:
NicoAndTheNiners · 11/05/2019 18:14

Some people are just very black and white and forthright.

I asked someone out once and he said "I'm not at all attracted to you". And this is someone I was very friendly with and we hung out loads and did stuff together, etc. Still stings, years later! Grin

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 11/05/2019 18:21

Maybe he's been hurt and that's why he won't take anything further?

PeakedTooEarly · 11/05/2019 18:29

I've been turned down more times than a hotel bedsheet so this wouldn't have even registered on my radar tbh OP. Let it go. Neither of you is necessarily a knob. It's just how life is really.

Orange6904 · 11/05/2019 18:48

He's not autistic, he's just not interested is he and feels awkward. Leave him alone.

Mythreefavouritethings · 11/05/2019 18:48

Oh Peaked, that did make me laugh (slightly saddened too - who would turn you down??). As for OP, this guy just sounds mean, whatever the reason. You’re not a good fit for each other, move along.

Ginger1982 · 11/05/2019 18:55

He was harsh, but you said you think you're out of his league anyway so what's the problem? Let it go.

Givem · 11/05/2019 19:21

There's a guy at work who is stunning in model terms. But he is the most anally retentive dick at work. Pretty and all as he is to look at, I'd rather go out with a big hairy builder and have a laugh, than date this dickhead.

I've seen it a lot with the pretty receptionists. They are pretty, but lack a few brain cells at times. They seem personally affronted when the guy they're after goes for the more intellectual type.

There is more to attraction than looks. Some guys go for intelligence.

Givem · 11/05/2019 19:25

I've heard it so many times 'I don't know what he sees in her - she dresses like a nun - she's overweight' etc..
What the guy usually sees is a kind heart, zero arrogance and an intellect on a par with theirs.

You sound young and a little bit full of yourself. Not everyone wants that.

Givem · 11/05/2019 19:27

It's also possible he is dating someone else now.

Sickofphd · 11/05/2019 19:50

I think people have been very hard on the OP. There are ways of saying you're not interested in someone without making such harsh comments about their personality.

For what it's worth, I can relate. Different scenario but similar in that a guy and I had been chatting for ages (we knew each other through mutual friends) and were getting along really well. Out of the blue he said he'd bought me a gift and wanted to give it to me. He dropped by my house and gave me a lovely expensive book and we chatted and laughed for hours even though he had somewhere else to be - I don't think I'd be crazy at this point to think there was something brewing? After he left I messaged him saying I wanted to have a chat (hoping to get an indication from him about whether he was interested) and he sent me a very blunt reply that same night along the lines of 'I'm not interested in you, if that's what you want to chat about'. I was horrified and anything I'd felt for him dried up in an instant but I still thought about it for ages - I think it's the unexpectedness and bluntness which really throws you off and makes it difficult to forget.

Later that guy confessed that he'd realised I was getting the 'wrong idea' and wanted to back off quickly. I learned later that he also disliked it when women initiated so even my 'can we chat' message freaked him out Hmm It sounds like it's a similar scenario here, and as much as it stings, you really have dodged a bullet.

AsleepAllDay · 11/05/2019 20:29

I've also had plenty of rejections and some of them are not nice - all of them hurt. Work to forget him - are you on the dating apps? Have a full social life? Have things to look forward to?

It's not going to happen here and that's unfortunate. Time to move forward. Onwards and upwards

HypatiaCade · 11/05/2019 20:33

My guess is that he is physically attracted to you, but doesn't want to be because for some reason in his head everything you do is wrong, and he doesn't like you. It could be religious, it could be misogynistic (good girls don't behave like that), it could be feelings of inferiority. who the hell knows.

But he will give you lots of signs of being attracted to you, because he can't help himself. But not liking you will cause him to treat you like shit, especially if you do every get together. Don't go there.

Mortgages · 11/05/2019 20:49

He might even be gay!
Poor guy.. in which case he definitely doesn’t want a relationship with a woman

Mortgages · 11/05/2019 20:54

And I say this not because I can’t comprehend a guy not fancying a woman but simply because I know of a similar incident with a guy who actually turned out to be gay... he was mortified that he might have given the wrong impression and had to be firm!

Doesitevenmatternow · 11/05/2019 23:15

He sounds truly horrible. There is no excuse for the message he sent you. So what if you were flirting and being obvious you were attracted to him? That's what people do. He could have not encouraged you or, if really necessary, rebuffed you in a kind way.

I remember a guy phoning to tell me he wasn't planning to ask me out again because even though I was clearly very attractive and clever "there was something... something arrogant about me". I was gobsmacked. I had no interest in seeing him again and had already told mutual friend that but it wasn't even the point. He was the arrogant one assuming I was interested in hearing his obnoxious feedback. I just told him it was nice meeting him anyway and mentally scratched him from my list of people whose company I'd ever like to be in again.

I suggest you adopt a similar attitude. He is a tosser.

Also massive F Off to the people suggesting you're stalking him or whatever.

Doesitevenmatternow · 11/05/2019 23:20

Sorry I meant to put quotation marks around the clever and attractive above - his words not mine!

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 11/05/2019 23:36

So what if you were flirting and being obvious you were attracted to him? That's what people do.

With people you work with?

Lefty1 · 11/05/2019 23:55

I think there’s a lot to be said in terms of the context of OP’s opening post “ I’m out of his league” bearing in mind the op would have consciously thought what to write here and how to word her post. Its probable that in real life that she is a lot more overstated and especiallly after getting drunk with the guy in question .
I have had several people that I’ve had to rebuff in a very similar & direct way (some may say rude) purely because some types of people don’t accept a simple “no” .....they start to think there MUST be a deeper meaning to this , start to analyse other behaviours that they can interpret as you’ve “finally came to your senses” because they are SUCH a catch afterall .
Being direct about why you don’t find them attractive SHOULD usually address that , clearly in this case it hasn’t .
A lot of posters want to bash this guy unfairly , all he has said really is “you’re not my type and won’t ever be” it’s actually kinder then just saying “I’m not looking for a relationship right now “ because the op could then think she could convince him and waste more time !

AsleepAllDay · 11/05/2019 23:59

Stop trying to intellectualise him - he could be gay, weird, a eunuch, sexist, have three balls - who knows

What's known here is that he isn't interested in the OP at all. We all have rejected people and been rejected. The focus shouldn't be what the 'reason' is - you won't know.

Time to pick up your wounded ego and pride from the floor and keep going

Lefty1 · 12/05/2019 00:33

He has gave the reason though...he has said that he doesn’t like the directness. That doesn’t make him a sexist ....I don’t like direct men coming on to me , I prefer things to be more subtle and relaxed , does that mean I’m aftaid of confident men or anti men in general ? Of course not.

No one is attempting to “intellectualise him” , he has been civil and friendly (not rude) with the OP in work comms but has drawn a boundary in terms of out of work communication , which is what mumsnet would advise a woman to do if this scenario was reversed.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/05/2019 01:02

Look, nice people are able to reject unwanted advances without being as fucking brutal as this bloke was. He was unnecessarily cruel. It would have been perfectly sufficient to say 'I don't want a relationship with you' but he had to go on and say 'You're actually a bad person and a failure as a woman and no decent man would ever appreciate you'. That's why OP is upset and bewildered.

DieselSucker · 12/05/2019 02:02

Maybe he was a bit harsh but at least he was honest and made you aware that he was just not into you. You're overthinking because you're hurt. Recognise your feelings and move on.

hellenbackagen · 12/05/2019 02:11

I've just looked at stats and one of the places you are most likely to meet your partner is work.

Am a bit baffled by the outrage that she is contemplating a relationship with (swoon!) a colleague!

My marriage lasted 25 years to a
Colleague.

And my now partner and I met at work.

Pretty normal in my world!

Lefty1 · 12/05/2019 07:37

You're actually a bad person and a failure as a woman and no decent man would ever appreciate you'.

He didn’t say this....at all.
If that’s what you or the op infers from what he has said then you clearly have issues with accepting rejection. People like certain types and don’t like others, that’s absolutely allowed.

Lefty1 · 12/05/2019 07:42

Also the guy said “it was obvious you were hitting on me last night” so he had been rejecting her advances throughout this drunken night and obviously felt that the message wasn’t perhaps being received (hence the directness)....clearly he was correct as the OP has started this thread and is trying to convince herself that because he remembers she has a brother and the school she went to, he MUST harbour some deep feelings for her that he is scared to admit to. Hmm.