Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dealing with adult temper tantrums

302 replies

PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 09:55

I'm writing after a big argument with my wife, and I realise every side has two stories, and I'm going to try to be as objective as possible.

My wife and I have disagreements about tidiness, which I guess is common enough, but whereas I think most people can meet in the middle, every so often, my wife will end up having a temper tantrum that is uncontrollable.

We went away this weekend to visit family, and we had a great family. I was the last person to leave the house on Thursday when we left. My wife is quite insistent about a number of jobs that I have to do before I leave the house. I'd put the blinds down, emptied the bin, unplugged the toaster, etc. When we got back on Monday evening, she immediately saw that the dishwasher had been left with the clean dishes in after the cycle had finished, there were some plates on the drying rack (dry), and the surface, by her standards, wasn't clean enough.

She starts screaming at the top of her voice at me, and I can't control her. She is saying how she hates me. I tried to keep calm, and I pointed out that we shouldn't shout. She continues screaming, and she ends up pouring a jug of water over me.

We sit in different rooms for a while, and when I go to bed, she screams for me to get out of bed. When I go to sleep in the guest bed, she screams to get out of the guest bed.

Eventually, next day she comes home, and starts screaming again. We have a guest, and when they go, she starts screaming again. I'm just trying to get some peace here and go and watch TV. When I go to bed, she ends up waking me at 2 in the morning to show me how to clean the kitchen properly (at one point, she even said she was thinking of killing herself over the cleanliness). Today, I am now exhausted.

I've tried to explain to her that her screaming and over-reaction is so out of normality, that I don't know how to react. She however thinks my tidiness in the kitchen is the real problem, whereas it seems clear to me that her reaction is the major problem. It would have taken less than five minutes to clean up the mess when we came home on Monday.

She says I don't take her seriously on the cleanliness, and to be honest, it's true. I'm not a neat freak, but I'm also fairly average in that regard. She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.

Most of the time, she is lovely, and I would say we have similar instances a few times a year (maybe around four times) where she flies off the handle. She doesn't seem to recognise the problem.

I know that many would say if it were the other way around, I should just leave, but I don't want to, and I love her, and I think we should be able to find a way around it.

I'd be grateful for any help, and also anything I might be missing. I want to see things from her point of view. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 09:55

Crikey, just realised it's a bit of an essay

OP posts:
Ragwort · 08/05/2019 09:59

Sounds extremely odd behaviour, all I can say is that if my husband treated me like that and expected certain ‘standards’ of housework, poured a jug of water over me and woke me at 2 am to ‘show me how to clean the kitchen’ I would end the relationship. Your wife is abusing you.

TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2019 09:59

If my husband poured water over me, his bag would be packed and he would be gone. If he screamed at me to get out of bed, the same thing. It isn’t normal and is abuse.

Daffodil2018 · 08/05/2019 10:01

I’d say she is mentally ill and needs to see a doctor. This goes far beyond a fit of temper.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:02

That's what I feared people would say.

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 08/05/2019 10:03

I don't know the context here but either way screaming at someone and waking them up at 2am is out of order.

There are 2 scenarios here - you don't do nearly enough around the house and your wife loses it a few times a year in response. Division of labour is a major flash point in many marriages. If this is the case then your wife needs to seek help for her anger and you need to look at how supportive you are at home. Either way it needs to be clear that screaming is just not on.

If its a case that you do plenty and your wife is obsessive then you need to make it clear to her that this is no way to live and you wont continue on like this and she needs to get help.

mawof3soontobe · 08/05/2019 10:03

The obsessiveness is quite worrying, the 2am wake up call for example... I would be concerned that there's a mental health issue at play, perhaps OCD or maybe even bipolar?

WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:03

If this was a woman writing this the majority on here would be telling you to contact Women's Aid and getting the hell out of there.

Your wife's reactions are entirely unreasonable and yes she is completely abusive.

I'm sorry you have to endure this.

As for moving forward you could show her this thread and suggest she gets professional help.

If she doesn't. Get out.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:07

There are 2 scenarios here - you don't do nearly enough around the house and your wife loses it a few times a year in response. Division of labour is a major flash point in many marriages. If this is the case then your wife needs to seek help for her anger and you need to look at how supportive you are at home. Either way it needs to be clear that screaming is just not on.

This is where I'm trying to see her side of things. I work at home, and as a result, I tend to do more of the work around the house (shopping, cleaning), and I'd say we have a 70:30 balance. The problem is that it is often isn't up to her standard.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:09

OP

It not being to her standard isn't the issue.

The issue is her reaction to your "standards".

MumUnderTheMoon · 08/05/2019 10:09

Threatening suited is a classic manipulative behaviour. Waking you at 2 am to show you how to clean (and I assume berate you some more) is abusive. Not allowing you to sleep in your own bed or the spare bed is also abusive as is pouring water over you. You should leave before this escalates and deal with her from a safe distance.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:10

I've certainly considered OCD, but I understand that OCD can be very debilitating, I do have a checklist for the jobs I need to do.

It just seems to me that I cannot solve the problem by becoming tidier.

OP posts:
MumUnderTheMoon · 08/05/2019 10:10

*suicide

purplepears · 08/05/2019 10:10

She's abusive and totally unreasonable. Her rules are ridiculous.
I hope you don't have children.
She needs to see a mental health professional. And you need to leave until her behavior stops. You can't live like this, it's bonkers.

Shadycorner · 08/05/2019 10:11

Obviously the screaming and pouring water at 2 am is not acceptable but it's difficult to know what is going on without more context. Does your wife work full-time, do you have DC, to what extent do you help with the "mental load" details here, does she suffer from pms or is she menopausal?

TheFaerieQueene · 08/05/2019 10:11

I don’t see why the abused should leave. The abuser should always be the one to go.

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:13

I'll try and give a fuller picture. My wife works full time in a busy job, and we don't have children, but we are thinking about trying. It's hard to judge about the mental load. Certainly in terms of admin, I do more work (I pay the bills, set up the insurance), but she tends to do more of the social arranging.

OP posts:
purplepears · 08/05/2019 10:16

@PointdeVue
Please don't have children with her. Can you imagine how scared they would be? And children are messy......

Stuckforthefourthtime · 08/05/2019 10:17

Posters are seriously suggesting that PM's might explain this??!? Imagine if a woman came on and posted that her husband had poured water on her or woke her at 2am to clean or said he'd kill himself about the cleanliness (of dry dishes left out).

We'd all be saying kick him out if you can, or get out. Which is what I still say to op now. Or ask her to go. If she won't, does she have family who might be able to support her? Do you have children?

ravenmum · 08/05/2019 10:17

Does sound more than a temper tantrum.

She sees my "messiness" as a big "fuck you" to her.
I wonder if she is also on MN. Search the following thread for "fuck you" to see why:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2589003-To-not-pick-up-oh-mess-anymore

WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:17

Under no circumstances can you bring children into this environment.

Professional helps needs to be sought immediately before this escalates.

You said something that was concerning, that even though you have a list this doesn't become resolved by being tidier.

I'm afraid to say that with this kind of behaviour, you could lick the toilet clean and it won't be good enough.

I very much doubt this is anything to do with your ability to do the cleaning/tidying.

kaldefotter · 08/05/2019 10:17

For heaven's sake, don't have children with her.

Her behaviour is abusive, and it's not your fault. If she can't recognise that she's being abusive and get help for her behaviour, it won't get better.

In your shoes, i couldn't live like that. Nor would I be hanging around to find out if things just might possibly get a bit better. It's almost certainly a lost cause.

merrygoround51 · 08/05/2019 10:17

This is where I'm trying to see her side of things. I work at home, and as a result, I tend to do more of the work around the house (shopping, cleaning), and I'd say we have a 70:30 balance. The problem is that it is often isn't up to her standard.

Well her behaviour is abusive, whether down to a mental health issue or not, you shouldnt have to put up with it

Original poster
PointdeVue · 08/05/2019 10:17

I worry about the thought of having children - if she thinks the house is messy now, wait until we have children, I know.

OP posts:
WienerDiva · 08/05/2019 10:19

I do feel for you.

But please try to understand that whether she has a mental health issue or not, whether she sees it as an issue or not, you CANNOT live like this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread