to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

[yowhatnow]

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

@recklessgran No need to be rude!! I’m surprised if you even have a partner with your condescending tone! You’re being disgusting and unhelpful to this poor woman

Morning all. I went to bed early and finally, for the first time in weeks, feel like I have had a decent night.

Does he know that one of your children couldn't eat for two days when they arrived home from visiting him? Or that they all cried for two days? Or that one of them (primary school age) is self-harming?

He knows about the crying because they also cried when they called him. The thing is, he then cried too (when we left and on the phone) making it even harder on the children. He doesn't know about the self harming. I inly found out yesterday. And if I tell him, he interprets it as me criticising him.

i dont blame you for feeling left out that he bypassed you and called aupair to speak to dd best of luck

Is he home soon, can you all as a family, spend some time together?

Crikey, some of you are spiteful little shites aren't you?

OP, given the situation Yanbu. I can't imagine being in your position and your husband will no doubt look back with regret one day when he realises what he's lost when you get rid of the selfish prick. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get through this. You need to acknowledge the unfathomable selfishness of his actions and ask yourself is that what you want to be married too.

Jesus. I'm afraid I would be hitting him with every detail of what he's doing to his children. He deserves criticism! Especially foe the crocodile tears when he knows exactly how he can make it better. Arsehole.

I would be telling him what the impact on the children is. What are you supposed to do, keep it to yourself?
I hope you are making progress on the things you had to get done before you could tell him to fuck off.

OP, apologies if I have missed this but what do his family think about his actions ? I remember your other thread and was horrified by his selfishness and just wondered if anyone else had pointed out how selfish he was ?

YABU, he is entitled to speak to his daughter without waiting for you. Let's separate what you are really annoyed with, the fact you did not see your daughters face when she woke, or the fact her daddy wished her Happy Birthday before you?

Reading your other posts OP are we meant to feel sorry for you? Staying up until 1 Am to deal with shit, on top of a full time job? Poor you! Lots OG single mums across the globe do this day in, day out, and manage without an Au Pair!

Are you the OP's DH, @AvengersAssemble?

AvengersAssemble you're right, lots of us single parents do this day in day out without an AP, do an amazing job and just get on with it, but we don't need to feel sorry for OP to offer support. People's problems are relative.

Spot on AVENGERS ASSEMBLE....au pair!!! wtf

I didn't realise having an au pair made you immune from having problems or feeling shit. I'll have to get one to help with my DD. But not give DH her phone number.

Shhhhh nasty people.

Your poor kids, they can't process or understand this any more than you can - probably less so. I think counselling for the 3 of you is a great idea, to help you all see that his actions are his own responsibility and are a reflection of him and his values, not on you or your children's worth. Those poor kids, how can he be so bloody cruel and self-absorbed. A career isn't going to visit him in his old age and bring him grandchildren. God I'm getting angrier as I type. Selfish wanker.

I think the difference here is that the children cannot process it - because it is such a strange situation. If your parents have separated and she was a single mum she could act as such.

The issue here its like Schrodinger cat - she is both a single parent and not a single parent at the same time and therefore is not able to do either effectively

If you read the other thread there are some clear financial issues that need sorting before they can separate

Reading your other posts OP are we meant to feel sorry for you? Staying up until 1 Am to deal with shit, on top of a full time job? Poor you! Lots OG single mums across the globe do this day in, day out, and manage without an Au Pair!

So who looks after their DC between 15:00 and 18:00 (or later of they have a job with long hours)? A childminder? After school club? A grandparent?

What’s your other thread op?

Lots OG single mums across the globe do this day in, day out, and manage without an Au Pair!

It's not a race to the bottom!!

I have read your other thread.

Your husband sounds like a narcissist who considers his wants and needs as primary. He expects total support and compliance from you, and will violate your boundaries and trust to get it.

He has devastated his family and emotionally brutalized his children. He needs to know exactly how much they are suffering. He is doing untold damage and must be held accountable.

Do not allow yourself to be manipulated by a photo on a desk or an offer of dinner. How insulting that he assumes a photo of a photo will keep you sweet and onside.

He does not love you. If he had one ounce of empathy, he would not have deserted his family. Tears? They are only for himself, not for his children and their deep hurt. That is the narcissist’s way.

Counseling would greatly benefit you and the children. You need the support of an experienced therapist who can help you navigate these turbulent waters. You have been abandoned physically and emotionally, and you need a safe place to express your feelings, organize your thoughts, and formulate a plan.

Your therapist will assist you in determining how best to help your children. They have been wounded and traumatized, and are not equipped to process and handle these destructive feelings.

I would take whatever steps are necessary to end this marriage as soon as possible. I predict that this man will soon be looking for his new narcissistic supply.

Thank you MissDogLady! You kind words really help.

My therapist friend mentioned the word narcissist. I am not sure yet if that is the case. I know he has low empathy. His niece was killed in an accident at age 12 a few years ago. Though he was sad for his sister, it otherwise seemed to not affect him much, though he was in shock at the time.
I think of her often and mourn her and her potential a little each time.
The experience also means I saviour every day with my dc. I asked him if the experience of her death is something he thought about when makinf a decision. He answered without hesitating 'no'.
He is uber rational. He is also loyal though. I doibt he will cheat. He will be working all the time. His job is the OW.
I find it hard to se the truth from my perspective at the moment. I would like to think I would recognise a narc and not be married to one unknowingly for so long.
He is 'something' however that is not good for me in the long term.

In the short term I don't need to worry my DC with seperation. I think that would be too much for them to bear right now.

I could try to come to an agreement with him that we seperate but not tell the dc straight away.

Plus - I am planning on blowing a huge amount of out his money on far-away adventurous holidays with the kids. I'll enjoy that first.

I am in no hurry, as long as I get help seeing the reality and don't get sucked back in.

In the meanwhile i might be outwardly unreasonable on lots of things.

He called the AP earlier today to speak to the DC when I was home. She just told him I was home. I had a little chat with her as I was clearly pissed off and I din't want her to think I was mad at her. She has some similar issues with her dad and wants the DC to be happy. Bless her.

I didn't expect him to call. I expected him to stay away (or have his phone nearby) for when I call

But it was already midnight- he couldn’t be on call waiting for your call all night

I could switch on our home phone again for real emergencies I guess. But I am not sure what kind of emergencies people mean...

Any insights?

A family or loved one being admitted to hospital or having had an accident

A sudden death and a loved one needing crisis support

He called the AP earlier today to speak to the DC when I was home.

So he keeps doing this? What's his game?

His game is that he is making it very plain to his wife that he wants to distance himself more from her than he does from the children.

Which is a deliberately divisive tactic.

Who knows what's going on for him psychologically? His eldest child approaching the age when his niece died and he exits himself in a misguided and trauma-driven attempt to reduce attachment?

Whatever is in him that is driving his behaviour, he and only he can address it.

I think you're right to get your ducks in a row OP and do all you can to ensure your and your children's futures. It doesn't sound as though he is particularly capable of intimacy or empathy, which doesn't make a relationship that feasible really.