Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

225 replies

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 12:42

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 15:53

Iamaporcupine I think that the issue here is that to OP’s DH, OP is not a “loved one”. Her wants and needs are not remotely of any concern to him, as the whole “I am going to fuck off abroad because my career is more important than you” scenario demonstrates. He loves his daughter so he made sure he spoke to her. (Men love their kids because they are the living embodiment of how fertile and manly they are). He didn’t give a shit if OP was involved in the call.

SouthWestmom · 29/04/2019 15:54

Forget all the husband stuff for a moment but what is the morning moment and handing cupcakes out at lunch about??

Do you just mean you like to be the one it wake them up cos they are excited it's their birthday? I can see why you'd enjoy that, it's a nice start to the day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2019 15:55

He left his 5 yo against the other parent's wishes, for possibly 4, definitely 2 years.

Every single thing he does is completely unreasonable in every way.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 15:56

I must admit I’m also intrigued by “decorated her chair”!

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 15:57

I wouldn’t have hit snooze and left it to an au pair to get my child up on their birthday. So you don’t actually make that big a deal about birthdays, really. WTAF is decorating a chair about? Leave the chairs alone and concentrate on getting up with her.

As to your husband - he’s a cock, and I’m sorry that your marriage is in crisis from him fucking off.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 29/04/2019 16:00

I wouldn’t have hit snooze and left it to an au pair to get my child up on their birthday.

She didn't. The child was still asleep and was woken up by the au pair when her dad asked her to. Part of the reason OP is annoyed.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 16:01

Ellisandra the au pair only woke up the DD because the DH asked her to, not because she was under standing instructions to wake the DD at 7 every day. OP was planning to do that herself, presumably it was not a military operation so it was not necessary to wake the DD on the dot of 7 as opposed to 10 mins later.

IamAporcupine · 29/04/2019 16:05

JessieMcJessie Oh I totally agree with you, my comment was in relation to people saying 'you were not awake, so he called the au pair', or 'he did try to call you but your phone was off' as if his reaction was 'normal' when in fact it wasn't. He showed he didn't care

Ellisandra · 29/04/2019 16:05

My apologies! It is clear in the OP, I have no idea how I managed to misread that!! Blush

He’s still a cock for fucking off though - I didn’t read that bit wrong!

Lovewineandchocs · 29/04/2019 16:07

The OP is doing her best to give her DD a great birthday in the absence of her H who has buggered off abroad against her wishes.
Yet people are criticising her for decorating her DDs chair (I think that’s a lovely idea) and handing out cupcakes. Really?!
Hats off to you OP for how you’re keeping going Flowers get some Wine and Cake later.

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 16:10

I’m not criticising, I am genuinely asking what decorating the chair involves! Have never heard of it. Are we talking balloons tied to the kitchen chair for breakfast?

Lovewineandchocs · 29/04/2019 16:13

Jessie I didn’t mean you, others earlier criticised it. I’d like to know what decorations were used too Grin

SouthWestmom · 29/04/2019 16:13

I'm not criticising either 🙄 I'm interested and I said it was a nice moment in the morning. Cupcakes at lunchtime is intriguing because I wouldn't be allowed at my dc school to do that.

ALittleBitofVitriol · 29/04/2019 16:17

Has he been coming home every 4-5 weeks for a week like he said he would?
Does he do much actual parenting (not just Disney dad-ing) when he's on the same continent as them?

I cannot fathom leaving family like that. What the hell is all that money for, if it means he is separated from those he loves? Well, I guess that's the answer, where his heart really is...

Yanbu.

Lovewineandchocs · 29/04/2019 16:19

noeuf sorry I didn’t mean you either, it was more whoever made the snide comment about the OP not working her ass off, but I see that was about pancakes, not cupcakes. My apologies Grin Our school allows giving out birthday treats like that as well, provided there are no nuts.

InceyWinceyette · 29/04/2019 16:27

OP, I think you are working like a Trojan to keep everything going while your DH is away and feeling raw and threadbare.

There were some irritating mis-communications, your DH obviously wanted to speak to your DD on her b'day, and for yourDD the 'moment' when she wakes up won't be registered as missed.

Do your thing to celebrate, and relax. Decorating a chair is lovely.

SouthWestmom · 29/04/2019 16:53

@Lovewineandchocs fair enough. I don't mind being called out when I am being snippy 😂 but I'm Team Op on this one!

Think we can only hand in non home baked nut free funfree treats in the morning

Nickpan · 29/04/2019 16:58

n'awww, you overslept through the call :(

altiara · 29/04/2019 17:07

I can easily imagine if I’d been asked to wait up until midnight, I’d have phoned a couple of minutes after in case I’d missed the call. Then i’d call the au pair as OP’s phone wasn’t taking calls, then by the time I got to speak to the DC I wouldn’t say, oh wait, I’d be wanting to talk to them.
Can see how it happened, also happens that OPs DH is a knob but I don’t think he was a purposeful knob in this instance. I’d be more annoyed at myself for snoozing the alarm. Being annoyed at someone for phoning instead of waiting for a phone call is something I’d do, but I would know deep down IWBU.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 18:00

Sorry I have been awol. I have been trying to sort some stuff out :-).

I will be back once the DC are in bed. I am managing to read the last couple of posts whenever I have a minute.

I know I abu. He didn't mean to deny me a special moment. Like many of you have said, him leaving is still very raw though. And incredibly inconvenient. I am struggling to hold it together.

Re. Chair etc.
We have a tradition to decorate the bday person's chair the evening before. It used to be elaborate. I just did bunting. But even for thqt I had to go hunting for the bunting etc.

Cakes @ school: no problem where we are. I think it is a UK thing for all schools to be nut-free (we are in a different EU country) Afaik there are no children with nut allergies at the school. And there were no nuts in them anyhow - I made them from scratch at home as that is what I usually do and DD wanted some to give to her friends.

The school has a whole birthday routine where the birthday child hands out the treat with the parent present (if possible). It is her last time this year as next year she is going to primary.

Pancakes - another family tradition.

OP posts:
theWarOnPeace · 29/04/2019 18:42

Your other thread is highly relevant, and really makes for upsetting reading to be honest.

Aside from this calling thing, which is just a symptom of the main issue, you need to do as advised in the previous thread. Get legal advice, get him to fill the paperwork that you need him to in May.

Keep your head up, I know it’s easy to say get practical, but you’re hurting. You’d have to be. I would be so confused and upset if my husband did this, despite being a practical/realist type person. It’s all well and good me saying something to the effect of “get your ducks in a row”, but you’re mourning your marriage and upset for your children and trying to protect their emotional health. I get that. Unfortunately though, he’s checked out. Don’t let him punish you financially too. Make sure that everything you’ve sacrificed to make him such a high flyer is notnfor nothing. He’s been cold hearted enough to fuck off to another continent without his kids, I wouldn’t trust him to give a damn financially.

InceyWinceyette · 29/04/2019 19:02

OP, I remember your other threads now - sorry I hadn't joined the dots.

Of course you are upset, he has prioritised his work and income over the family , gone abroad without proper consultation and after he said he would respect your wishes and not move you all abroad again ,and abandoned you.

It must be extremely poignant celebrating your Dd's birthday without the father there. He is a selfish self absorbed git

JessieMcJessie · 29/04/2019 19:04

He didn't mean to deny me a special moment.

He didn’t care whether you got a special moment or not. That is just as bad. YANBU.

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 19:06

You sound like you've taken from this thread that you should suck it up, OP. Don't - lots of us think he was thoughtless and unkind, and it turns out has effectively abandoned his wife and family. You have every right to be angry and hurt.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 19:15

Thank you :)

I am where I am. He is starting to send me mixed messages. Like a picture of his desk where he has put a picture of me and him from new years eve.
And asking if he should organise a dinner when he is here next.

Part of me thinks 'fuck off' but then I feel guilty as he is trying I guess. And if I want there to be any chance that he realises he made a misrake leaving and comes back, then maybe I should make an effort.

Talk sense into me. I'll ask this thread to be moved over to relationships btw.

OP posts: