to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

[yowhatnow]

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

100% what livefornaps said

Would you leave your husband and child to go and live overseas without your husband's agreement and expect your husband to carry on looking after the family while you were off god knows where, PCohle?

That's the context here. Why it's being ignored by so many people so they can have a pop at a woman in this situation is beyond me. Actually it isn't beyond me at all.

You're seeing a feminist issue where none exists.

No, nothing feminist about a man fucking off to pursue his career against his wife's wishes while assuming that she will pick up the slack while he's away and wait patiently until he comes back...

OP, technically your DH was right in this instance. But he's a massively unreasonable prick in general, so it doesn't really matter.

I work for a firm of consultants and we often send people on overseas assignments for 1-3 years if they have the necessary skills for a particular contract. I suspect the OPs DH may work for a similar company. Often these people drag their families with them for the duration and I've often thought how disruptive this must be for the spouse (who isn't always permitted to work depending on visas) and the children, especially if they're school age. I don't blame the OP for not wanting to be uprooted if this is her circumstance. Shame her DH thought it was ok to leave the family if they didn't want the disruption.

I think the real issue here is that he could not wait for you to ring him and at the exact moment you said decided to call the au pair and speak to his daughter - that is the power move right there and telling as to exactly what value he places on his wife and children

I dont think the OP had one just a general desire to make sure her daughter spoke to her Dad on her birthday (because presumably he is working when she gets home from school)

OP I have read your other thread - good luck I hope you manage to get what you need done

Yup, any female will do to carry out his wishes, as long as he gets what he wants it's all good. Wives and mothers = interchangeable with the paid help.

The wider issue isn't what I was referring to though. I was directly referring to "At least we know what the real outrage is now - a woman keeping her husband waiting for less than ten minutes whilst she gets a bit more sleep."

We have no idea based on this thread what the context of OP's DH working abroad is, other than that OP isn't happy about it. I have actually worked abroad (for shorter periods of time than at issue here) whilst my DH stayed in the UK with the kids.

It sounds to me as if you're upset he's given no thought to you.

You're trying to make sure he's still involved in the 'special moments', yet when you overslept by a few minutes he didn't give you a second thought when he got the au pair to wake DD up. Does he know you love the waking up moment?

He was thoughtless - YANBU. Is this part of a larger issue?

Sounds like you need to deal with your marital problems seperatly to the issue of not being there the moment your daughter woke up. Alas if you wanted to do that, you needed to be up earlier / tell the au pair to opt get her up but to come and get you instead if she heard her first

I do think it’s a bit off he called the au pair. Why didn’t he call you?
If I were in his shoes I would have expected a call at 7am and probably worried I’d have missed it would have phoned within a minute or two, as he did. But I would have phoned you, repeatedly probably, not the au pair. That makes it seem like you just don’t want to speak to each other.

If this is about something else, then deal with the something else.

But right now you're being unreasonable and controlling. He had to stay awake till seven, he wasn't allowed to call you had to call him. You switch your phone off so he can't call you. It's all a bit much, especially when you woke at seven and decided to hit the snooze button.

If you want to make it through this long distance relationship then behaving like an controlling arse isn't going to help make that happen. Only you can decide if you want to make through.

So he’s in Asia somewhere? YABU. He stayed up and You overslept. Maybe you address the real issue about you not wanting him to move instead of getting angry about this.

Would your DH have said this about you working abroad though PCohle?:

(S)He decided to move agains our wishes.

We know the context of her anger. The OP didn't want him to go, now she's left at home taking care of the family on her own and he can't be bothered to wait ten minutes until she calls him.

Men who do things like this to women aren't treating them well.

I'm with you OP and can totally see your point.

Op, yanbu. He sounds like an arse. I understand where you're coming from. Your DC are lucky to have one parent who cares so much about consistency and traditions. Your love for your DC shines through, as does your bewilderment that this is your new normal. Anyway, today's a day for celebration. Try not to give your H too much head room today.

Be kind to yourself, and congratulations to you too. I always congratulate myself on a DC's birthday for keeping them alive for X amount of years.

Why didn’t he call you?
Because OP turns her phone off so he can't get through

His moving abroad against her wishes and leaving her with the kids might well be indicative sexist attitudes. Personally, I don't think we know enough to say that, but it doesn't look great.

However I don't think that means every single action of his is deliberately motivated by misogyny. They agreed to speak at 7, OP was purposefully uncontactable at 7.

DH wasn't thrilled about me working abroad to be honest. We worked through it. There are probably friends of his who would say I went "against his will" to prioritise my career. Equally there are friends of mine who think it was sexist of him not to want to be left "holding the baby" for a couple of months. Real life isn't always clear cut.

The previous thread is easy to find (and I know can be frown upon but really does give all the context necessary to understand this one)

OP you are being unreasonable, but he is being more unreasonable to the point it cancels yours out.

Because OP turns her phone off so he can't get through

Answers like this really annoy me.
I am guessing that is not the reason why OP's DH didn't call her, but even then, he could have called the AP and tell her to get OP.
No big deal: Can you knock on the door in case she overslept? I'll phone again in 5 min so we can wake DD together.

I actually disagree with most if the posters on here.

DH has buggered off to live abroad and left his wife holding the fort and looking after the children against her wishes.

OP sounds exhausted but is trying to keep alive a tradition of both parents waking up DD on bday morning. Sounds lovely for DD and DH knows it's important to wife.

He's off in a foreign country completely negating any day to day responsibility for HIS children, and then can't be arsed to wait a few minutes for his wife to call at midnight his time, AS AGREED with his wife. Shows a complete lack of care for his wife's feelings and respect for her imo. As he has already demonstrated by fucking off abroad and leaving her to handle everything. It's sounds as if, in his mind, it's all about him.

‘I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.’

I guess we all have different ideas about what ‘working my ass off’ means....

He sounds like an insensitive arse. You have 3 kids and one is only 6. No job in the world would be enough to convince my husband to leave me and our son for 3 years unless he also wanted to leave the marriage. And to the PP who said he had no choice, he is not a slave and can change jobs!
If he genuinely did feel that he wanted to preserve his family while being “forced” to work abroad then he’d be bending over backwards to make you feel loved and valued and thank you for all your effort made for DD when he could not be there to help you out. Not just a token Skype sorted out by the staff.

I really feel for you OP. I lived and worked in Asia myself for many years. The men I knew who did this mostly had older kids at University or otherwise no longer at home and the wives would visit fairly frequently. However the majority of them were also using local prostitutes.

This marriage is dead in the water really.