Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

225 replies

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 12:42

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/04/2019 12:59

He didn’t know it would be five minutes.

Incidentally in the case of an emergency, it will take hours to notify a next of kin by the time it gets passed to your local force.

Just keep the phone on at the other side of the room?

Bringbackthestripes · 29/04/2019 12:59

So he stayed awake to speak to DD and you didn’t get up in time to see it and you are annoyed at him and the AP?

I’m sure that was a lovely start to her birthday for your DD. Don’t spoil it by being annoyed that you missed it because you snoozed your alarm!

ShirleyAvenue · 29/04/2019 13:00

I rather think YABU. DH did as requested, despite being abroad/ in a different time zone. And then when you didn't play your part as planned, he did his best to make the birthday call.
You took a snooze. You should have set your alarm earlier and made sure you were up in time if it were so important to you.
The important thing is that DD got her birthday call. It was for her pleasure surely. Its not your birthday.
Can only assume you have a lot of resentment for DH for other reasons.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:00

Erm...he was told to ring at a time, he rang at that time, perfectly actually.

I asked him to stay awake until 7 our time, I didn't ask him to ring.
All I asked is if he could just stay up long enough until I had rung him. He could have just watched a show on his ipad or read a book.

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 29/04/2019 13:01

Maybe he was desperate to speak to his daughter on his birthday or needed to get to sleep?

StormcloakNord · 29/04/2019 13:01

YABU for many reasons.

  1. You should have been awake when you said, ready to phone him when you said.

  2. YABU for being that bothered about it, you have a whole day with her and he gets a facetime.

  3. YABVU to keep your phone on airplane mode at night. What if something happened to your DH/anyone in your family and nobody could get a hold of you?

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 13:01

Ok OP, I don't think anyone needs to be Freud to tell you that your anger at him moving abroad against your will has been manifested on a day where he should be there with you all to celebrate a special day. I'd be heartbroken too. YABU re the phone call but YANBU re the wider situation. I don't know what to suggest, sorry - is this move permanent? Do you want to stay with him?

babysharkah · 29/04/2019 13:02

Bizarre request. I'm a child of expats, life gets in the way. You sound like you're separated already!

PregnantSea · 29/04/2019 13:02

If your phone was on airplane mode and you snoozed your alarm then how on earth did you expect to be alerted of the call? If I was the au pair I would have just texted as well, I would feel extremely uncomfortable going into my employers room to wake them up!

However I understand why you're upset. Your DH has just moved far away and you didn't get to speak to him. You were hoping he would wait until you got up because he'd be really keen to speak to you and DD together.

Is your DH living abroad a permanent thing? Will you be following him over soon?

RomanyQueen1 · 29/04/2019 13:02

So her Dad has gone away and she's left with an au pair.
I never know why some people bother to have children.

Waveysnail · 29/04/2019 13:04

Sounds like theres a way bigger gripe here than a phone call.

You over slept for whatever reason when you gave your husband an exact time

TeddybearBaby · 29/04/2019 13:04

If he rang the ap and spoke to her, he must have known she was going to wake up dd and not you...... I assume he knows you like and wanted to do that so it feels a bit unkind / mean spirited to me. Especially since you’re there working your arse off. Ok you overslept, I don’t think that’s a terrible crime and I think he could’ve waited a bit longer and cut you some slack.

Purpleartichoke · 29/04/2019 13:04

I would be very resentful if my DH moved abroad without my full agreement.

For calls, why not use do not disturb mode. That way your au pair and anyone else who might really need to reach you can be on your pass through list. Yes, I get the au pair is in the house, but I would still put her on the list.

HBStowe · 29/04/2019 13:04

I think on this occasion you are being a bit unreasonable, but given that your husband has decided to move abroad against everyone’s wishes, leaving you with a job and the kids to raise, I can see why your patience would be thin with him in general.

UCOinanOCG · 29/04/2019 13:05

As you didn't call at the time you had said I suspect he thought you had either forgotten about him or decided to keep him out of the birthday awakening. I would probably have done the same.

RedDogsBeg · 29/04/2019 13:06

^I asked him to stay awake until 7 our time, I didn't ask him to ring.
All I asked is if he could just stay up long enough until I had rung him^.

He stayed awake as requested until 7 your time, he didn't receive a call from you, is he meant to have a crystal ball to know that you would only snooze for another 8 minutes?

You are making a mountain out of a molehill here, the whole point of the exercise was for him to speak to his daughter first thing in the morning on her birthday, that has been achieved.

Noonooyou · 29/04/2019 13:06

If I was the au pair I wouldn't have wanted to go in to your room either. She sent you a text, it is your decision to put your phone on airplane mode, she isn't to know that. It's not pathetic of him not to wait, how was he supposed to know youd be awake in 10 minutes?

recklessgran · 29/04/2019 13:07

You sound really bitter and miserable OP. I think you are in the wrong and I'm not surprised your D.H. has chosen to go abroad to be honest.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 29/04/2019 13:07

If something terrible has happened to him, I assume that the police would come to my door.

Unless he's on military service, that'd be quite unlikely.

GunpowderGelatine · 29/04/2019 13:08

Bit harsh @recklessgran Hmm

ReadMyLipss · 29/04/2019 13:08

He's not a mind reader though, is he? How was he to know that you didn't forget to set the alarm at all?

You decided to press the snooze button and decided that he could wait at your convenience and he didn't, and you're unreasonably annoyed at him.

But I do agree with PPs that there's definitely more to this than just this minor incident, and maybe you have a right to be annoyed at him over a lot bigger things than this.

ReadingHelp · 29/04/2019 13:08

I don’t think you are being
Unreasonable to be annoyed at him. It was only a few minutes not half an hour after the prearranged time. It wasn’t that late where he was. He should have waited until he could get in touch with you (up to 30mins I’d say). Calling the au pair is basically sticking two fingers up at you. He said I want this over I’ll do it via au pair so I can get on with MY plans. Bet the au pair was delighted to have her living abroad boss call her at 7am too Hmm It sounds like he’s looking out for number 1 and left you picking up all the slack for whatever “wonderful” moving abroad opportunity he’s left his family for.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:10

If your phone was on airplane mode and you snoozed your alarm then how on earth did you expect to be alerted of the call?

I didn't expect him to call. I expected him to stay away (or have his phone nearby) for when I call.

I am not blaming the au-pair in any way shape or form. I am blaming him for a) calling instead of waiting, b) asking the au-pair to wake her up instead of asking her to knock on my door (she didn't need to come in...) and most likely c) for f-ing off abroad

But I accept that I ABU in this instance :-)

For some reason I feel generally uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the au-pair. I can't put my finger on why though.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 29/04/2019 13:11

OP the real issue is why he's buggered off to "live abroad" when he's got a family!

Have you accepted this? Is it permanent? What are his reasons for going? Do you consider yourself to still be in a relationship? Does he?

HennyPennyHorror · 29/04/2019 13:11

The reason you feel uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the aupair is that he's distancing himself from you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread