to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

[yowhatnow]

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

Yeah to be honest he sounds like an absolute twunt and you should take him to the cleaner's in the courts.

Then he can fuck back off to his placement ---- alone!!!!

We're just moving this over to relationships for the OP.

The picture etc is lip service - it means fuck all OTHER than he wants the components of a "picture perfect" life without having to engage with any of the (sometimes literal) shit that comes as part of family life.

Who can make you a cup of tea?
Who can help mop up the children's sick?
Who can help in disciplining them?
Who can let you have a wee moan after work and then snuggle with you in front of a box set?
Who will help the kids with their homework?
Who will go to their plays and their parents evenings?
Who ?!??

Because all of the above are the building blocks of the FAMILY LIFE he committed to.

He can't just swan in and out of that shit, be a Disney dad and then have a fancy dinner and a shag. Fuck off

He's set the bar so low now for his behaviour that you're grateful for anything that doesn't look like cold indifference.

He's left you, he wasn't there for your dd's sixth birthday, won't be there for her seventh or eighth by the sound of it. Think about that and how you feel about it.

I don’t know how to talk sense into you? Maybe try reading your other threads from an outsiders view. You’re like the frog in the pan 😕

As for this specific event, you asked him to wait up to say good morning to DD when YOU rang him. He couldn’t be bothered to wait a few minutes so he called your AP which he had NO business doing. He didn’t want to share birthday wishes with you as a family, he wanted to do it on his terms, waking your AP & DD, because he’s a GIT.

Mind how things go with your AP because the last thing you need is him pissing her off and her deciding to leave.

You need to believe you’re worth more than this 🌷

I know you lot are right.

The AP is scheduled to leave at the end of June anyhow. She has been with us for 2 years and is really great. She has been really helpful at making the kids life as easy as possible, including letting them talk to him on het phone when I am out.

The new AP (or nanny, not sure what I will be able to find) won't know him so he can't do that. I'll get them an ipad so they can call him directly. I don't want to stand in between them. And if they call him whilst he is in an important meeting that will be something he has to deal with.

I am not engaging with his attempts yet. I haven't replied to his question about dinner or said anything about the pictures.

I think I should get some councelling.

DD1 is refusing to speak to him and she has started hurting herself. At the moment it is pinching and biting and the good thing is she has tomd me about it. I am going to arrange counselling for her too.

What a fucking mess.

Oh, my love. Sending lots of support to you & your family. Your kids have such a wonderful mum. Focus on them (you are) and just leave the Dickhead Abroad alone for a while.

Jeez no wonder he has moved abroad....

Oy @tuco, are you capable of reading a fucking thread before making your glib & snide comment? Fucking hell. Pipe down

yowhatnow please get conselling for your daughter ASAP

I am in a different situation yet I can relate to lots of what you are talking about - the feeling guilty, the trying to make it work, etc etc. Please think of yourself first

All in all DD2 has had a lovely day. And that is the lost important.

He is going to come home for business next weekend. I had booked a therapeutic walking weekend 6 months ago and had arranged for his mum to come look after the DC for a few days.

So now he will by himself. I don't know yet if he will be disney dad or not. It will be his first time home since he moved.

We went to see him our there the week before last. Leaving him at the airport out there was heartwrenching for the kids. They cried for 2 days straight. DS couldn't sleep. Each time he tried, he cried. I didn't think about how that would be for them beforehand. I thought it would help them see where he is. The trip back was pretty hard to say the least.

Yes counselling for your daughter

In all of this it can be difficult to see that he didnt just leave you - he left his children. For whom he wanted to get the birthday chat over and done with so he could sleep he rang straight away

Ducks in a row time I think

Oh, and I am curious about the airplane mode thing.

Is it really such a weird thing to do? If I switch my phone to silent, then I don't hear it either, so not much of a difference. Except the buzzing of messages as I am falling asleep keeps me awake. Hence airplane mode.

I could switch on our home phone again for real emergencies I guess. But I am not sure what kind of emergencies people mean...

Any insights?

Here here @RomanyQueen1 I'm with you on that

I think everyone is being a bit harsh here. I’d also be hurt that my husband knew the plan that we wanted to wake up DD together. How hard would it have been to just call you until you woke up? Or ask the au pair to wake you up? We’re only human, and I know EVERYONE commenting saying “it’s your fault you overslept” has overslept themselves at one point. The thing is you and DH should be a team! It’s shame on him for not waiting until you both could say happy birthday to DD together. Wait until your DD’s birthday is over and have a conversation with DH. Don’t blame, just explain how it made you feel.

Have you thought of getting an Amazon Echo? You could have one in your room, and get him one then he could call you for free. It also means you wouldn't need to worry about if your phone is on silent at night. Plus you could use it as an alarm.

I think counselling is a really good idea. Without sounding horribly patronising, you’re not recognising your husband’s behaviour for what it it. You need to go over what’s happened with someone who can absorb the information and gently help you make sense and come to terms with it. He’s not “trying”. He left. He left. That’s all you ever need to know about him. He left. It’s not normal to abandon your family when it is totally unnecessary.

Your children cried for days after they left him, and one of them is starting to self harm. He intends to continue? Abondonment is a whole different thing to separation or divorce. Feeling like your parent has not chosen you is the absolute worst thing to happen to a child as far as emotional damage goes. Sending you nice messages or pictures - does that really convince you that you and your children are his priority?? He has been despicably selfish. Absolutely despicable. A possible 3+ years on a different continent without even discussing it with you? Who could really do that to their wife and children?

Have just read this and your previous thread.

Without a doubt, one if the saddest things I have read on here. Your poor poor children. They, and you, must feel so abandoned. I don't think I could even look at him if I were you.

What does he say about how desperately hurt his children are?

I'm glad a few others have started cottoning on OP.

If my phone comes upstairs (which is only when dh is away, in case I need to call out) then it is on silent or airplane mode. But normally it is downstairs. I'm not sure why it would come to bed with me?

What you want to do is set your phone to Do Not Disturb. You can make exceptions for specific phone numbers (e.g. your jerk of a husband, AP, kids eventually, etc.) that you might want to hear in case of emergency, but everyone else is screened out.

This is good practice for the point when your kids get phones and need to reach you.

Taking a unilateral decision to move abroad for an unspecified number of years was awful of him.

Continuing through with this decision when it's causing great distress to his wife and children is unbelievably selfish of him.

Does he know that one of your children couldn't eat for two days when they arrived home from visiting him? Or that they all cried for two days? Or that one of them (primary school age) is self-harming?

You can set your phone so it doesn’t buzz or vibrate.

Poor kids must feel completely abandoned. So sorry you're going through this.

Op you and the kids are worth more than this. He’s already gone - don’t let him back to cause more damage.