Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

225 replies

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 12:42

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 29/04/2019 13:28

YABU about the phone call.

How did it come about that he moved overseas? Did he move for work, is it permanent, is there plans for you and the DC to join him?

Benes · 29/04/2019 13:35

I don't think he's being unreasonable in this particular instance but he is 100% unreasonable for moving abroad against your wishes leaving you to raise your children with the expectation you'll be there waiting for him. Fuck that! That would be unforgivable for me.

WarCat · 29/04/2019 13:38

You are totally unreasonable...

IamAporcupine · 29/04/2019 13:42

Did he try to call you at all when he didn't hear from you a few minutes past 7?

If he didn't, I actually do not think you are being unreasonable, and I would feel the same.

You asked him to wait until 7am so that he could be there to wake up DD with you.
Him, on the other hand, could not wait a few minutes, and decided to do his own thing, without you, knowing that it was important to you/DD.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2019 13:42

Yanbu and precious, he did as you asked, younwete not awake.i think that there is more to this him moving against your wishes.

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 13:42

Can't believe you're getting a hard time on here when people have found out that your husband has fucked off abroad leaving you and your children without your agreement or support. How convenient for him that he can prioritise his career while you keep the family going back at home.

If he hadn't left, you wouldn't have to be calling him at 7 in the morning to speak to his daughter on her birthday ("where's Daddy?"). You're perfectly entitled to be angry. Immediately going to the au pair instead of waiting to hear from you like you said is just passive aggressive of him.

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 13:44

Do you feel you have a marriage OP, if your husband is so high-handed as to do something like this against your wishes and at the expense of your family?

Springwalk · 29/04/2019 13:46

He rang at the time you asked him to. So you can't blame him!
You over slept!

Secondly you are making much to much of being there the minute your dd opens her eyes, in reality being there for every single moment is really hard with 3 dc (and when you are knackered)

Your resentment is bubbling over into other things. You need to redirect your focus to the issue at hand, and that is the fact he has effectively abandoned you with three children to take a job overseas without your agreement.

That is pretty big problem from where I am sitting.

So not you are not BU overall, but you are using this phone call as a spring board to express your anger and resentment at your dh for putting you in this position in the first place.

You have much bigger problems than the birthday call op.

StormTreader · 29/04/2019 13:48

Sorry OP but it sounds like you tried to pull a power move and it failed.

You said 7, your alarm went off at 7 but you looked at it and thought "fuck you, I'm always tired, you can wait and be tired too". You knew he would normally be asleep since you asked him to stay awake for this, and wanted him to be sitting, tired, waiting for your call at whatever time you decided with no idea when that would be.

It's not a good sign for your marriage if you're intentionally trying to play these games.

Whatnameisgood · 29/04/2019 13:49

Oh bless you. YABU to be annoyed about the phone call but DNBU about the bigger picture! I would be so furious and upset in your position. I Hope matters resolve themselves somehow.....

Justaboy · 29/04/2019 13:52

I don't like to have a phone that is transmitting signals close to me the whole night through

Trust me it dosent,it only sends the absolute minimum of a "I am here message" every now and again of a very short duration it has to to conserve its battery. Mine is right beside me all day and we have ways of knowing what it's up to;).

IamAporcupine · 29/04/2019 13:52

It's not a good sign for your marriage if you're intentionally trying to play these games.

Hmm did you read the bit about DH fucking off abroad and leaving the OP to play happy family on her own?
LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 13:57

You knew he would normally be asleep since you asked him to stay awake for this, and wanted him to be sitting, tired, waiting for your call at whatever time you decided with no idea when that would be
It's not a good sign for your marriage if you're intentionally trying to play these games

That was what I was thinking too. If he'd stayed up specifically as it was midnight/later and it also says that they'd tried to contact her, then he had no idea what time she'd decide to wake up.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/04/2019 13:58

I agree with all those who say this is nothing to do with him calling rather than waiting for you to call, or missing "the morning moment". That would be a ridiculous thing to get wound up about.

It is about the fact that he has basically left you and your children high and dry, without even having the honesty to say he is leaving you. I suspect the call to the au pair bothers you because he is making clear that he does not have to go through you, on your terms, to contact his children. It may also bother you that he is now free to engage how he wishes with women other than you, and they may not react as you would wish.

It's a crappy situation, tbh. All you can do is think hard about whether it bothers you enough to end the relationship, or whether it is worth hanging on (possibly for financial reasons? I hope you are at least benefitting financially from his time abroad?)

HennyPennyHorror · 29/04/2019 13:58

Verdict is that the OP's husband is an arsehole and she is NOT unreasonable.

Maryann1975 · 29/04/2019 13:59

Dh was in the military and got sent away and I found that hard enough to deal with. When he left he could have taken a high paid job overseas, but didn’t want to leave us, his family at home. I also didn’t want him to go and that was important to his decision to stay here. Financially we would have been far better off if he had gone, but money isn’t everything.
I have several friends doing what you are doing and most put on a good front of being the supportive wife at home, but underneath the cracks are massive, it’s relentlessly hard work and I’m not sure their marriages will all survive the strain.

I don’t think the way your feeling is about this mornings call, more about the bigger picture. Only you can decide if it’s worth it -are you able to change things so you can move to be where he is? If not, are you prepared to move on with your life without him?

NoHolidaysforyou · 29/04/2019 13:59

This just sounds odd. I can't imagine willingly accepting that I won't live with my husband for years. No amount of money would be more important than keeping the family together. Why didn't you guys move with him? That's the real issue and I sense some regret manifesting itself as anger over phone call times.

PCohle · 29/04/2019 14:00

I appreciate OP is fucked off about her DH moving abroad but getting annoyed over minor issues like this isn't helping anyone.

Either she LTB or she needs to make the best of the current situation for the sake of her marriage and her kids. (I'm assuming that having a rational, reasonable discussion with him isn't going to work here.)

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 14:01

I suspect the call to the au pair bothers you because he is making clear that he does not have to go through you, on your terms, to contact his children.

He couldn't have gone through OP if he wanted to though as she'd put her phone on aeroplane mode! No calls get through on that. He could have tried and failed to contact which is why he tried the Au pair instead.

livefornaps · 29/04/2019 14:02

The thing is that it's the straw that broke the camel's back.

He's fucked off abroad (wtf!) , you're trying to keep up family life and traditions even though it is now you doing ALL the donkey work to make sure the children are cared for, the house is running....you want to give your daughter the same tradition you have always been used to of having 2 parents wish her a happy birthday first thing ...and after 5 mins past midnight his time he calls to make contact via your member of staff, thereby sending the message loud and clear to your daughter that things just ain't what they used to be.

I get it.

Fuck him.

Oohgossip · 29/04/2019 14:05

Sorry but moving abroad without your spouse and children when you’re married - and they don’t want you to go - is absolutely inexcusable. Awful.

Does he want to still be part of the family? Really?

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 14:05

Why didn't you guys move with him?

Why didn't he stay at home is the more important question. Families aren't furniture you can pack up and move when you fancy a change of scenery. .

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 14:07

At least we know what the real outrage is now - a woman keeping her husband waiting for less than ten minutes whilst she gets a bit more sleep.

PCohle · 29/04/2019 14:09

At least we know what the real outrage is now - a woman keeping her husband waiting for less than ten minutes whilst she gets a bit more sleep.

I'm a woman. If my DH hit snooze and had his phone on airplane mode when I tried to call him to speak to our child at a pre-arranged time I'd be really fucked off.

You're seeing a feminist issue where none exists.

ittakes2 · 29/04/2019 14:12

YABU - he prob thought he remembered the arrangements wrong - maybe he also had something he needed to go to.