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Original poster

to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

225 replies

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 12:42

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gruzinkerbell1 · 29/04/2019 14:48

OP, I read your previous thread. YANBU.

He is a selfish, self-centred man. But you don’t need me to tell you that. I’m glad he made the effort to speak to your daughter on her birthday, it’s the very least he could do. But I’m sorry that you missed it.

Bite your tongue, you’re in it for the long game. Don’t rock the boat before everything is safely in place.

Have an unmumsnetty hug and hope you have a good afternoon with your daughter. Get yourself some wine for later and be kind to yourself X

christinarossetti19 · 29/04/2019 14:54

I was going to ask how far away is he located and how often does he plan to come home, then I read your update.

He doesn't really, does he?

BlueJava · 29/04/2019 14:58

Sorry YABU - he called as you arranged and stuck to the arrangement. You did not (although I appreciate you are tired etc). You can't fault him on this. 8 minutes doesn't make a lie in!

Macandcheese05 · 29/04/2019 14:59

YABU. you woke up late. however, as most have said, bigger issue is that hes moved away.

For some reason I feel generally uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the au-pair. I can't put my finger on why though.

i imagine because you tried to involve him in a family tradition and, after "leaving you" to move abroad, he then excluded you from something you love. you put in the birthday work and he took the best bit (to you).

NoHolidaysforyou · 29/04/2019 14:59

I really don't think it's a bad thing for the family to move abroad. My family moved many, many times for my father's work and I got to see/learn about all different types of cultures. I have also moved for my husband's job to another country and we love life. Sometimes moving abroad together can be a great family adventure and people should be more open-minded than worrying about keeping the status quo. Children use these life experiences of having lived abroad in the future with an edge over others (i.e. multilingual, seeing different ways of life) as a skillset in their toolbox.

OP I suggest you discuss with your husband that this isn't working out for you mentally and really consider what you want as a family. There are good international/private schools in most countries and your children could gain more than you think. If he is forcing you in to this lifestyle where he does not want all of you to come with him, then I would try to figure out what his real intentions are.

BlueSkiesLies · 29/04/2019 15:00

Total non event. Pull yourself together FFS.

BigChocFrenzy · 29/04/2019 15:07

"I really don't think it's a bad thing for the family to move abroad"

Great - if both partners agree and want to do this

This is the OH buggering off for 2-3 years as a career move, when his wife does NOT agree
She has to continue her job, while looking after the kids & the home .... and he has walked away from all those responsibilities

If a mother buggered off for 2-3 years, leaving her kids with her husband, she'd get crucified socially, probably at work too and on here

christinarossetti19 · 29/04/2019 15:09

I've just looked at OP's other thread.

Her husband decided to move abroad for 2-3 years in the first instance without even discussing it with her.

So it's not that surprising that another action by him that shows her exactly where stands in his priorities ie at the bottom stings.

AdaHopper · 29/04/2019 15:10

LannieDuck - yes, that is it. He is generally not very thoughtful.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 29/04/2019 15:14

I can understand why you're upset.

Why didn't he ring the landline rather than the au pair? At seven
everybody would soon be waking anyway.

quizqueen · 29/04/2019 15:17

He phoned at the time you requested; you weren't ready.

Erythronium · 29/04/2019 15:18

Or, as someone else said he could have rung the au pair to get his wife up rather than getting her to wake her daughter which was going to be a family event.

The OP was trying to create some family time in what is an impossible situation because of his absence and he thwarted that.

PenguindreamsofDraco · 29/04/2019 15:20

Look your marriage is over. It just is (I remember your previous thread too, did you ever get legal advice?), what you're going through are the death throes.

Don't make this into an issue about a phone call, which is basically just a way for you to deflect from what's actually going on.

jameswong · 29/04/2019 15:20

How can I read the other thread? I've never figured out how to view post history.

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 15:21

No big deal: Can you knock on the door in case she overslept?
She didn't oversleep though - she looked at the alarm, knew it was time to get up for the call and instead thought "meh, he can wait" and actively snoozed it!

LagunaBubbles · 29/04/2019 15:22

If my DH decided to move abroad without discussing it with me then that would show me the relationship is over.

AdaHopper · 29/04/2019 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 15:42

That is not how it went. My alarm went at 6:45. I snoozed it then

Fair enough then. If he'd called and you weren't awake though, and your phone wasn't on,you weren't exactly available.
I don't have an au pair or anything like, but wouldn't it be a bit weird for her to come into your room and try to wake you up like some are saying?
She tried the phone and it wasn't functioning.

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 15:44

She didn't oversleep though - she looked at the alarm, knew it was time to get up for the call and instead thought "meh, he can wait" and actively snoozed it!

That is not how it went. My alarm went at 6:45. I snoozed it then. The next time it went off was 7:05.

I didn't actively try to make him wait.

OP posts:
Roxyxoxo · 29/04/2019 15:44

It’s your daughter that matters and im sure she was happy to speak to him

EnoughLifeLessons · 29/04/2019 15:46

I get why you're annoyed, OP. Unfortunately, I think you also need to accept your marriage is over and start making arrangements accordingly - thay woul be the smart thing to do. Flowers

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 15:47

OK, now I'm confused. Has OP name changed halfway through the thread? Confused

IamAporcupine · 29/04/2019 15:47

She didn't oversleep though - she looked at the alarm, knew it was time to get up for the call and instead thought "meh, he can wait" and actively snoozed it!

You know what, even if she did think 'he can wait' I do not see anything terribly wrong with that, given that she did all the birthday preparations (let alone all the parenting!) she is allowed another 5min in bed.

Is this the way people leave their lives? If you agree to do something with/for a loved one, and the one of them is not there on the dot, you just tell them to fuck off basically? Are people that inflexible really?

IamAporcupine · 29/04/2019 15:49

live, not leave Blush

Original poster
yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 15:51

OK, now I'm confused. Has OP name changed halfway through the thread? 

I had namechanged for this thread but by switching devices it didn't carry through the change

OP posts:
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