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Relationships

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Original poster

to be annoyed that DH phoned our au-pair to speak to DD?

225 replies

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 12:42

Today is DD2's 6th birthday. 'D'H moved abroad several weeks ago. Yesterday I asked him to stay awake for 7am our time so that he could be on video call when I wake up DD.

As I am knackered at the moment organising everything for the 3 DCs and have had a really hard weekend, I snoozed my alarm once. When I then wake up properly at 7:08 our au-pair (who is lovely) is coming downstairs with DD. So I quickly call DH and they say 'we have already spoken to him.

Turns out that at 7:00 he called the au-pair and then she went to wake up DD. So I missed the morning moment which I (and they) love on their b-days.

I have been working my ass off ensuring she has a nice b-day. Getting a gift she really wanted, wrapping is, decorating her chair, preparing to have pancakes in the morning, etc.

I am pissed off that DH couldn't just wait 10 minutes for me to ring him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

SilverySurfer · 29/04/2019 13:12

YABVU and frankly ridiculous. You obviously have other issues, I suggest dealing with them separately - using this as your intro is so weak it will put you at a disadvantage.

BrillyPribble · 29/04/2019 13:12

Ok, forget the phone call, that's not really the problem at all is it.
How on earth can he unilaterally decide to dump his family and move abroad and expect your relationship to continue as normal?! How long is he abroad for?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 29/04/2019 13:12

You're not really 'doing everything' if you've got an au pair?

Original poster

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:13

ReadingHelp - thank you. That is how I feel.

OP posts:

alligatorsmile · 29/04/2019 13:15

I feel generally uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the au-pair

Maybe because this would be how it would be handled if you actually were separated? Bit too close to that being reality?

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 13:15

He stayed awake as requested until 7 your time, he didn't receive a call from you, is he meant to have a crystal ball to know that you would only snooze for another 8 minutes?

This! YABVU, sorry. If you had your phone on aeroplane mode, you'd snoozed your alarm instead of getting up to do the call as well, and nobody could get through to you, how was he supposed to know you were "getting up in 5 minutes or so?"
Saying you think it's pathetic he couldn't have waited sounds to me like you were doing it a bit to make a point. I mean, if you really wanted to do a phone call altogether you'd have set your alarm a bit earlier or gone back to bed after the call.

DeaflySilence · 29/04/2019 13:15

"For some reason I feel generally uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the au-pair. I can't put my finger on why though."

Could it be because, when he takes the initiative, you are no longer in 'control' of everyone?

You do sound like a bit of a (people) micro-manager. Is there a back-story? For example, do you suffer from anxiety or similar?

HennyPennyHorror · 29/04/2019 13:16

Sandy that's bloody irrelevant! An au pair does the dishes and picks the kids up. It's OP who has to be there emotionally...alone! It's OP who has to make all the fast decisions needed when you're a parent. It's she who bears the weight of parenting.

An Au pair is interchangeable. A parent is not.

BBBear · 29/04/2019 13:16

I suspect the problem is him moving abroad...

HennyPennyHorror · 29/04/2019 13:16

Deafly OPs husband has buggered off abroad without her blessing. Not surprising she feels put out!

alligatorsmile · 29/04/2019 13:17

YABU about the phone call, but you know that, and you also know that this is not about the phone call but about the fact that he appears to have checked out of your marriage and family and home.

TeddybearBaby · 29/04/2019 13:17

For some reason I feel generally uncomfortable with him calling the kids via the au-pair. I can't put my finger on why though.

Maybe because you’re his wife and mother to his children so communicating through a third party in your own home feels wrong?

I said it before I’d be beyond angry if my husband sodded off and left me literally holding the baby and was then so rigid in his thinking that he couldn’t wait even 10 minutes for me to get in touch and wake our daughter up together on her birthday. I still don’t think you’re wrong. I hope your daughter has a wonderful day.

Ps I put my phone on do not disturb. Works well for me 💐

PCohle · 29/04/2019 13:18

As regards the phone call I think YABVU - as others have said, he called when expected and you chose to press snooze and keep your phone on silent.

Him moving abroad against your wishes is clearly the much bigger issue here. But I'm not sure getting disgruntled about minor perceived slights is the best way to address that.

Original poster

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:18

*OP the real issue is why he's buggered off to "live abroad" when he's got a family!

*Have you accepted this?
I have had no choice but to accept is.

Is it permanent?
In principle, no. It is a stint of 2-3 year but then there will be another stint somewhere else. Unless he decides he doesn't like that kind of life and asks to be placed at home. At the moment he is trying it out.

What are his reasons for going?
His career

Do you consider yourself to still be in a relationship? Does he?
For now, yes. I am not sure it will survive the long-haul

OP posts:

outvoid · 29/04/2019 13:18

YABU, you shouldn’t have snoozed your alarm.

LimeKiwi · 29/04/2019 13:19

If it's for his job, maybe he doesn't have a choice and would rather not have had to go at all

SignedUpJust4This · 29/04/2019 13:19

You are being ridiculous about the bday phonecall but I suspect that is not what this is really about.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/04/2019 13:20

you snooze, you lose

Original poster

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:20

You're not really 'doing everything' if you've got an au pair?

We had an au-pair before he left too. She helps with after-school pick-ups until I get home. She doesn't work at the weekend.

We don't have a childminder or use after-school care. Would your reaction be the same if we used those services instead?

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 29/04/2019 13:20

Maybe he tried to call you first but, you know, your phone was off......

WonkoTheSane42 · 29/04/2019 13:20

I suspect the problem is him moving abroad...

Ya think?

ReadingHelp · 29/04/2019 13:22

yowhatnow your welcome. I swear I’m on a different planet when I ready some pp on many threads. Not to say a different opinion isn’t welcome but sometimes I wonder.

I’ve been in a LDR with similar time difference and it’s hard. One is winding down or the evening wanting bed and the starting their day. Midnight isn’t that late for an adult (even early bedders as some off) and it sounds like an important tradition you were trying to maintain for your family (waking dd up on birthday) which he should have been much more sensitive to. For those saying he spoke to dd on her birthday being main thing. Well no actually it wasn’t .. it was suppose to be some “normality” of keeping family birthday waking tradition and he didn’t bother. I’m sure dd would have been equally happy to speak to her dad later in the day (eh have him on fb whilst candles blown or gift opened) and it was only a few minutes talk so hardly much effort on his part anyway so not sure why there’s are making him out to be dad if the year. Especially when he’s just fcked off and left his whole family.

OP I feel so sorry for you. Have a good think about whether you want a relationship with him and what your bottomlines are. He can’t dictate it all.

Original poster

yowhatnow · 29/04/2019 13:22

Him moving abroad against your wishes is clearly the much bigger issue here. But I'm not sure getting disgruntled about minor perceived slights is the best way to address that.

Yes, I suppose so. Which is why I feel better for having vented here whilst he sleeps :)

Anyway, I am off to school now to go hand out the cupcakes in DD's class. I'll but the (unreasonable) annoyance to one side and focus on her.

Thanks all!

OP posts:

BarrenFieldofFucks · 29/04/2019 13:22

I'm pretty sure you have posted about this, back when he took the job?

If it is you, bide your time OP

Ratbagcatbag · 29/04/2019 13:24

I get why you're annoyed.
He's chosen to up sticks and leave his family, you've had no choice but to stay and pick up all the slack, which has no doubt included smoothing things over for the children, buying presents, organising birthday events, so you wanted to be the one to get the surprised and happy reaction in the morning. Not DH who has checked out of family life leaving you to carry the mental burden of it it. Instead he swans in, no doubt your DD was buzzing seeing daddy and she was happy about that and it all felt a bit flat for you. I don't think YAB. I'd be furious too.

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