DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

Met my DH at 21 had planned first child at 35, so I personally don’t find it odd.

@ASAS is everything okay at home?

my parents were together from early 20s

didn't have kids till late 30s because they wanted to build a good financial base and do some travelling.

back in those days, apparently there wasn't so much crap doing the rounds about age and conception, mum tells me.

ASAS that's rather harsh
OP I don't know, but maybe a little niece or nephew might make her think differently.

It’s not about you.

Leave her alone to make he really own choices.

Sounds very sensible to me - gives them chance to get into a decent position in their careers before parental leave and potential part time working - it's a lot easier to negotiate family & employer friendly when you are a bit more senior and with a better work history, generally speaking.

ASAS are you for real ???

OP I dont get why your daughter would wait that long.

I have a patient who is 41 and is on her 7th ivf treatment.

There are so many risks after 35 for the first child. It is possible of course !

But as someone who works in Haematology and sees the amount of women this hurts ... encourage her to do it younger especially since she already has the father!

Really normal. If she's having her periods investigated by a doctor she clearly must have her feet on the ground and I assume they'll have a conversation about fertility, age etc. She's only 25 so may have further plans for career, travel, hedonism! before settling down to parenthood. You've got a grandchild on the way so focus on them rather than pining for the grandchild that isn't even on the horizon.

encourage her to do it younger especially since she already has the father!

None of the OP's business.

3 kids all in my late 30's and no regrets from me!

Do understand you wanting a part in your grandkids' loves while you're still relatively young though.

And I'd say your daughter should get t9 the docs about her irregular periods sooner rather than later as the findings could potentially affect her decision

Had mine at 33 and 38. Wouldn’t choose to be pregnant at 38 again. It’s her choice though and just because you had kids at that age doesn’t mean she should.Perhaps if you want that you need to give her a shed load of cash so she doesn’t feel they need financial security first!

Whizzler. I am a consultant giving advice. My advice is with the amount of patients getting into trouble as they are waiting until 38+ my medical advice is to encourage the OPs daughter to try when shes a bit younger like 33/34.

I'd stay out of it OP. It sounds like she is pretty on top of things - presumably she is getting her symptoms checked out so that she can change her plan or start treatment depending on the results.

Also I've noticed many people who say between the ages of 15-26 "I never want kids, gross!" or "oh no I don't want them until I'm 40". They get to around age 27-28 and baby fever hits. Of course I would never say this to someone, I would respect what they are telling me (and so should you OP). But a declaration like that at 25 is hardly an assurance.

Whizzler. I am a consultant giving advice.

Great.

Still not appropriate for the OP to interfere in her daughter's family planning. Her daughter is already seeking help for her irregular periods so presumably she has her head screwed on and will discuss the findings with her doctor and her partner.

ASAS it's derailing the thread slightly but yeah, I hear ya. The whole fertility drops off a cliff thing is tired and not really true and based on a lot of studies of extremely small cohorts of poor women in slums for the most part, so I wish people would stop telling me how shit my 'choices' are.

To the OP: if she is getting investigated for infertility her medical practitioners will have something to say to her and she may just change her mind naturally. You can of course say your piece, if you must, but I have to say, my mum getting in my ear for years has done nothing to fix my situation other than made me dread conversations about babies.

"OP I don't know, but maybe a little niece or nephew might make her think differently"

lol, yes, gird yourself OP. She wouldn't be the first person to say "actually no kids at all" after getting a niece or nephew.

OP I have an only child, she’s 30. She’s spoke about having children in the future, but she has a career now, so that’s that for a good few years yet. She has a steady boyfriend and I’d love grandchildren in the future, but who knows. You can’t live your life through them, just leave her be and who knows, you may get them sooner than you think!!

OP it’s really nothing to do with you - your daughter isn’t there to live up to or fulfill your expectations

Although I’m having said that I would advise her to try earlier than later for her own interests

Everyone who conceived without too much bother after 35, is convinced it's a piece of cake.

Everyone who struggles to conceive after 35, can only focus on that risk.

Deliberately waiting until late 30s is inevitably going to increase her risk of problems. Even if she's lucky, it won't mean she didn't run the risk.

Maybe gently broach egg freezing? She might be thinking along those lines anyway.

Rosa my youngest was the best contraceptive going
People saw her and decided NO
Personally I think they might be right, but I can't actually send her back

Her body, her choice. She may have kids sooner, she may decide/be unable to have any at all. You may be disappointed but it's not like you can insist she ttc - and what 25yr old wants 'Crikey my mum is itching for me to produce a gc' hanging over their head. It's not strange at all - different people want different things.

Exactly. She's 25. She may have done a 180 turn in three years time. Pointless stressing about it.

Red lol

I'm sure she's lovely! It's just I've seen a few couples who haven't been that involved with children till a close person has them and it seems to be a shock for some of them, I think it's seeing the relentlessness close up and of course even a lovely DC can be the cause of that!

so they changed their minds from wanting them to seeing it up close and saying "wait a minute..."

agree with PP about that data that's doing the rounds.

I think it really is up to her but I totally understand where you are coming from. I had my last baby at 37 and my periods never came back. I went straight into menopause. I have told my daughters they have the risk of early menopause and they should consider having babies sooner rather than later due to the risk that they too will have an early menopause. Non of them have plans to have babies yet but we have discussed the risks in waiting. It's good to talk and there is absolutely nothing wrong in sharing your concerns with your daughter/s about this. I would think that anyone - regardless of their medical history should think very carefully about waiting until they are in their late 30's before planning to conceive.