DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

I do understand where you're coming from OP. It's quite fashionable to have the attitude of waiting till your late 30s these days but factually you are less likely to conceive and the chances of complications are higher. Fertlity declines at 30 and dramatically declines after 35. It wouldn't be unwise to tactfully point this out. I was 27 and 28.part of me would love to have been younger than that but I know i did not have the maturity. (my DH was 40s) he's a wonderful father with oodles of patience and perhaps that's his age. You'll get flamed for interfering on here. But I think your concerns are valid.

My lovely aunt who is a nurse and counsellor approached me very nervously shortly after we got married in our early 30s and just whispered “we have early menopause in our family” and scuttled off. Bless her obviously didn’t want to be intrusive or pushy but felt we needed the facts!

I m a few months younger than your DD and am starting to TTC, I ve always been set on doing so at this age because my dad didn't make it past 36 so I ve wanted to have children as soon as we re in a good place too so they have as much time with me in their lives as they can, I also saw my mum go through an MC at 38 and be lucky to have my half sister at 39. My sister has Asperger's and potentially other conditions but I was born when she was just 25 and am mildly dyspraxic and dyslexic and a couple of other mild conditions.
I think it's best to leave your daughter too it but nicely explain your own fertility to her so she knows where she stands genetically.

I think your heart is in the right place OP and family is important to you but your daughter will have to find her own path.
Lots of my friends have put off having families, some are doing really exciting things professionally and travelling. There's swings and roundabouts to every decision.
Personally, I'm glad I haven't waited to start a family. Toddlers are so tiring and I won't be very old when my kids are in their twenties :)

The data that suggested women in their late thirties were less fertile is based on ancient (1600-1800s data). It doesn’t apply to modern women with modern diets who are physiologically the equivalent of Childbearing women in the 1600s-1800s.

The facts are that in hospitals the numbers of mothers over 35 are increasing (this is the bulk of women by the way; most women don’t have issues producing a baby in their late thirties). Even amongst women who need to go through ivf, live births for women aged 35-39 are only a fraction smaller percentage wise than women aged 30-35. IVF fertility rates only drop off dramatically from the age of 42 or so.

The fact is if she has a fertility issue in her 20s she is likely to have as many problems conceiving now as she would have in her late thirties. If she doesn’t, and keeps herself healthy, she won’t.

The data that suggested women in their late thirties were less fertile is based on ancient (1600-1800s data). It doesn’t apply to modern women with modern diets who are physiologically the equivalent of Childbearing women in the 1600s-1800s
Actually its not. There have been many studies in the last 30 years showing the effects of aging and issues in fertility - even among men's contributions which long ago many didn't think was an issue.

@THEsonofaBITCH - it really is. Do your research. Modern research focuses on women who are infertile and those women are as likely to have issues at 19 as they would at 39.

Do your research
I have. I disagree with you as I have seen and read and followed current research which has NO tie to previous studies, thank-you. You might be right in regards to the studies you have looked at but that is an outdated subset of current research in my experience.

I think it's really important she makes the decision about when to have kids in light of the medical evidence that it does get harder as you tick through your 30s. That said, it's her life, her body and her choice. Many, many professional women are now waiting until their mid 30s.

I think it sounds like a rational, well thought out plan. I really do not see the issue at all. It's 2019. Woman are having children later, woman are choosing to have children alone, woman are choosing not to have children. No woman should be displayed medical evidence for their fertility based on age, as I am sure nearly every woman who thinks about having Children is capable enough to open Google and look for herself. Other the the poster who mentioned the well-meaning aunt who quietly informed her of early menopause, there really is no need to become involved.
Your DD sounds very reasonable.

I don't know why people are trying to debunk easily available information. The risk of miscarriage is higher the older you are too.

OP what I find strangest about this is someone trying to get pregnant within a year of meeting someone, like your son is.

Moralitym1n1
I find it so interesting that you are quoting something Christian Jessen has said (not a fertility specialist) as fact
And implying that a consultant working in the field wouldn't have an idea what the stats are in the field that they work in day in day out

Women should take responsibility for their own fertility health and not leave it too late - and yes late thirties is too late. She doesn't know how easy it will be to get pregnant or stay pregnant. The NHS shouldn't then have to pick up the bill because a woman has made a conscious decision to delay starting her family until an age that every doctor and ivf clinic agrees is when fertility has already been compromised x

Teddybear45

So much of what you have written is wrong

Women should take responsibility for their own fertility health and not leave it too late - and yes late thirties is too late.

Is it?

Are you sure?

Or did you mean it's too late for some women?

x

Or did you mean it's too late for some women?

How do you know whether you are "some women" until you're late thirties and start TingTC though?

Well you don't know. But my point is lots of women leave it until their late thirties and they're just fine.

. But my point is lots of women leave it until their late thirties and they're just fine.

Yes, lots of women at that age have no problem. But lots do. That's the comparative risk in waiting.

There was a news article only the other day which talked about how ivf clinics need to be more upfront with women about their success rates over the age of 41 - the NHS makes you wait 6 months over the age of 35 before starting fertility investigations - NHS wait times are then upwards of a year to start ivf which could put someone who starts trying in their late 30s for a baby into early 40s. Ivf success over 41 is something like 2% compared to over 20% in early 30s.

And the OP's 25 year old daughter is planning to see someone about her periods/fertility so...

Is there a history of premature menopause in your family OP?

She's 25. At 25 I'd have said I didn't want any chidren at all.
Life happens, things change.

The NHS shouldn't then have to pick up the bill because a woman has made a conscious decision to delay starting her family until an age that every doctor and ivf clinic agrees is when fertility has already been compromised

In most cases, it is the older women and their partners who pick up the bill for their own IVF as (NICE guidelines notwithstanding) the NHS locally won't fund cycles for the over-35s because of the lower success rate. That's how it works round here, anyway.

And the OP's 25 year old daughter is planning to see someone about her periods/fertility so...

There's only so much they can test for. The proof is in the conceiving.

Which is fine, but it is better to have a balanced view ahead of time. Knowledge is power.

Well yes. That's why she's going for investigations now. But I don't think 'try and conceive at 25 in case you can't at 35' is necessarily very sensible advice.