DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

I met DH at 21, married at 23, pregnant at 24 and a mum at 25. Wish I’d waited personally

Talk to her, without judgment though, and ask her to chat to her doctor about mid plus 30's pregnancy - she just may be unaware of the possible problems

It's not odd. I'm 20 and would like children in my 30s not that you should be sad anyway, but your son/DIL is about to have a baby, so why aren't you focusing on that? You're going to be a grandmother soon

At 25 both my husband and I said 'NEVER' to kids. 3 years later, I'm pregnant and can't wait.

Things change a lot. Don't dwell on it.

*5 years later

I can totally understand her not being ready at 25 for kids but she does need to realise that leaving it to late 30s runs the risk of not being able to have them at all. Fertility drops at 37. iVF is not a sure thing at 20pc success rate,

I had a baby at 38 but i took me 10 yrs of trying!

However if she is getting checked out the doctor can advise her of the risks of leaving it til later, and then she can make up her own mind.

Your daughter is 25 and you had children in your early 20s? So you're under 50? I'm 48 so a similar age to you. The vast majority of my friends didn't have children until their 30s and 40s. I'm really surprised someone of my age is putting pressure on her daughter to have children at 25 (when she's not even married!). If anything I think telling you she's not going to have children for another 10 years is a way of getting you to shut up. Because frankly if at 60 you are too frail to look after grandchildren you will be very unusual, more likely you won't be helping out with childcare because you'll still be working.

It's up to her, I'm sure she's a capable, intelligent adult who knows the risks of leaving it later. There are huge benefits in having a solid career and financial base behind you, especially as a woman who will want to take full maternity leave and possibly go part time.

I met my partner aged 24, had my first and only baby added 37. Took 5 months to conceive. I'm aware I'm very lucky, but waiting meant that we own a three bed house with room to extend if needed, in a lovely child-friendly location near a good school, and I have a managerial position to go back to when I return to work. That wouldn't have been the case in my early 30s. For me, stability was key.

TBH I wouldn't broach the subject just yet as I am sure the conversation will come up again, I imagine she is aware of the well fertility decreasing in your late 30s as its been well documented. A lot can change within the next 10-15 years OP.

I told myself we (in our early 20s) weren't going to have kids until my mid-late 30s because I wanted to travel, freedom etc

At about 27 I did start to get broody and DS1 was born when I was 29. DS2 at 32.

By the time I was 28, DH and I had done a lot of travelling, we were starting to get a bit bored by our freedom and needed another adventure, got to an age where we were over getting hammered ever Saturday night, had built up a career so we were 'ready' to start TTC.

I doubt the DD doesn't read MN, magazines, newspaper articles, watch tv, where the difficulties of getting pregnant over 35 are mentioned.
Let the couple make their own decisions.
It sounds selfish to want your DCs to sort your own life.

@FreshandCrisp

My mum has me at 37 and she was always very open about wanting me earlier but circs wouldn’t let her. She’s a fantastic grandma, I’ve had kids late 20s early 30s but I also know she’s not getting any younger. I actually raised this with my DH when we were thinking about a 2nd as I wanted it sooner rather than later so my DM could enjoy it as much as the first!
I do totally see where you are coming from!

Please dont keep asking her about anything she hears from doctors re the irregular periods. I made the mistake of telling DM we were TTC and then had to endure a couple of years of DM asking about it at every opportunity. I know she didnt mean to be intrusive but she was.

You’re right. It isn’t the best to plan to have kids in your late 30’s. Your dd can have her periods investigated but that is by no means the whole picture. I started to ttc when I was early 30’s. I ended up having dd 5/6 years later through ivf. My periods were fine but heavy and painful. My uterus definitely wasn’t fine.

To truly understand her fertility she also needs blood tests, an internal ultra sound at the very least, lining biopsy. But you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.

She sounds sensible to want to wait. She’ll presumably have a career and financial security by her 30s.

However, waiting until her LATE 30s is a bit risky. MN will be full of women saying they had kids in their late 30s and it was fine but they’re not exactly a representative sample. There are lots of women who try to conceive later on life and have problems.

The chances are your daughter will change her mind. When I was 25 I wasn’t remotely interested in having kids.

Having watched numerous friends struggle to conceive in their 30s, there's no way I'd wait.

My grandma always said make sure you buy the car before you fill it.
Been with my DH for 16 years, early 30s.. not finished test driving the thing yet to consider buying it

Everyone's different. I had my first at 26, then 27 and my last child at 30. I always said if I didn't have any children by the time I was 35 then I wouldn't have any. I don't regret the age I started a family.

She may change her mind in the next few years. Either way, it's her and her partners choice to make. (she may even be saying that to stall the issue- they may not want any children at all, which is their choice).

Meddling mother alert. Just urgh.

It's her life. Presumably she's not stupid and has access to reading materials that have informed her decision. Let her make her own path.

Everyone is different obviously. She might be absolutely fine and popping out last child at 44. Or not. Anecdotally several work colleagues took this approach done ended up with no kids or fewer than they would have liked so struggled to conceive second. Early 30s would be safer

Maybe she just wants you to beak out. I'm approaching my mid-thirties, married, childless and if I get one more comment from "my way or the highway" sister in law, my response will not be pleasant. It's really fucking intrusive and rude to harass people about their fertility and baby making plans. If I want a baby, I will have a baby. If I don't have a baby, don't assume it's because I didn't want one, equally if I don't have a baby, don't assume it's because I did want one but couldn't have one. Beak. Out.

She's getting professional advice, she's being smart.

Lots of women get pregnant easily in their late 30s, and even early 40s. However, it does not give you much time if there are problems. I was always told one should 'get one in before 30', but this seems a bit old fashioned now, with advances in fertility treatment. I know one or two women who have spent years (and lots of money) on IVF . However, your DD is still young and may easily change her mind before then, so I would leave her alone to make her own decisions.

I don’t think she realises how low her egg reserve will be by then. I think it’s down to 10% by early thirties.

It’s still down to her though.