DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

Lots of women get pregnant easily in their late 30s, and even early 40s. However, it does not give you much time if there are problems.

This.

DH and I waited from 30 to 35 before TTC, for financial stability. We started TTC a couple of months before my 35th birthday. Nothing happened. I had DS at 38, thanks to IVF. Our infertility is unexplained - on paper there was nothing wrong that could be detected. That is the case for quite a lot of people with fertility problems. It means that tests in our 20s or early 30s would have falsely reassured, had we had them.

Pregnancy and C-section recovery at 38 were fine, I had a far easier time than I've seen baby group friends in their 20s having with their second - though I am aware I was lucky. Being a parent in late 30s/early 40s is fine (DH has a chronic health condition but has had since his 20s). Being a grandmother in your 70s, as my DM and MIL are, is good as long as you are healthy and mobile.

Many women will conceive naturally in their late 30s, and that's still the most likely outcome - the odds remain on your side after 35. But... there IS a higher chance of problems conceiving. And if you are in that minority, increasing with age, who have fertility issues (whether they've arrived at 35 or would have been there earlier) your chances of a good outcome from IVF are also lower than a younger woman, and you have less time on your side for the possible multiple rounds of treatment and failures and losses that might be in front of you. That is even more the case if you want more than one child.

It's your daughter's choice to take, with her eyes open and reserving her right to change her mind. There isn't a right or wrong answer. Please be neutral if you share information and support her, as you will, with her decision either way, and don't mention the grandmother thing!

It’s fine if she manages to conceive but if not then she’ll face a real back lash of ‘why didn’t you try earlier?’

It’s so hard being a women because there’s literally a hairs width between ‘don’t rush you’ve got plenty of time, establish your career and life first’ and ‘well you have left it a bit late haven’t you?’ 😒

I’m 27 and recently married my 31 year old DH, I was unsure about when to have kids (it’s a very personal choice) but my DM sat me down and very softly pointed out that if we wanted to have multiple, and we wanted a good chance of it happening quickly, we’d be safer to start around 28-32. She didn’t put pressure on, just very informative on a factual basis.

I also realised how odd I felt about it. Like I wasn’t really an adult enough to have kids yet, like it would somehow still be socially unacceptable 🙈 it’s hard I think (espcially for milenials) as it used to be the ‘given’ thing that you get married and have kids - but it’s not now.

Fertility declines loads between age 30 and 35, then is much worse 35+,

That's strange because I read an article with Christian Jenson (embarrassing bodies) quoting stats of almost 90% of couples 35-39 getting pregnant within a year of trying.

It takes longer because the chance per cycle is roughly half from 20s (25% to 12.5% approx.) but that doesn't mean it won't happen.

A gynae/fertility consultant like the one who's commented here is likely to be dealing with people who have problems; not the opposite so may end up with s skewed (?) view.

In saying that ops daughter had identified a possible issue .. but she's having if looked into, the right thing to do.

Op, you had your kids young; not many people do that now, why should anyone have to copy you/be kind you. It's their life.

*like you

Moreover most people don't realise the fertility trends they're quoting are from a study based in French parish records from the 17th to 19th century.

It's actually not about you op
She sounds like she has a plan. Maybe she'll want children sooner, maybe she'll decide she doesn't want them at all. Maybe she'll adopt. It's her life.

I think its fair to talk about the facts of declining fertility and chromosone disorders. Its her choice but she needs to have all the information to make that choice. In a non emotional way. Nothing about grandma role though.

I had my DC at 38 and wished I hadn’t left it as long. It took over a year to conceive, after 18 months tried again.

After 4.5 years of trying for a second I have given up. Multiple losses, chromosome disorders that were not genetic so likely age related, a lot of heart ache, time off work etc etc. Had I started earlier in my thirties I imagine that I would have had two DC.

I have friends in early forties trying for a second with similar issues

Helping my DD come to terms with never having children, due to reasons she hadn't envisaged when she left it to her mid/late thirties, is very, very hard.

My lack of grandchildren is irrelevant, the loss is hers, not mine. She is devastated.

ImNotNigel what a patronising post. Go away.

Name calling and bullying - the last resort of those without a defensible argument.

She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s
Sounds like she's thinking of trying earlier but saying late 30s so you won't have an expectation of grandchildren earlier.

My SIL had her kids in her late 30s. Conceiving wasn't a problem, the pregnancy and delivery was in both cases, but she has put that behind her.

I always said, no kids, because I didn't feel emotionally or physically prepared for it. After my SILs kids were born, DM and SIL kept on about it being my turn. Eventually I came to their way of thinking and got pregnant. But it seems I was right all along, I was a lousy baby-mama. My husband took up most of the slack. I didn't know how to play with her, I didn't get up in the night for her, and I felt rubbish all the time. Maybe it was the first indication I had MH issues...but DD is in secondary school now, and I have had problems parenting her in the past, but we are now a good team. I was turned off having any more partly because she was delivered by emergency CS under GA, a frightening experience, and partly because I couldn't face the baby-stage again. I was 28 when she was born.

I am at peace with the fact maybe I should have waited, or not had my daughter at all. Which makes me sad sometimes because my daughter is an awesome human being, and I credit her dad for that.

My DM was married at 21 and had me at 25. But she bought a house with my dad just after she married, and had a decent job. She left school at 15. So she already had 10 years earnings by the time I came along. Times have changed OP.

I think the message about decline in fertility gets oversimplified into a perceived cliff-edge at 35, which is obviously a false picture, and that's unhelpful.

There is a very small decline between 25 and 30, then a slightly accelerating but still relatively small rate of decline between 30 and 35, and then a greater picking up of speed between 35 and 40, but even so, the odds still tip in your favour at 40 (though not for much longer).

The real point is that, at any age but more so as you move through your 30s, a small but significant percentage of couples will have difficult conceiving and for some of them, it just won't happen - at least not naturally. Stats like "95% of couples will be fine" or "90% of couples will be fine" sound reassuring, but put another way, 1 in 20 or 1 in 10 won't be. That's not a remote risk. It's still decent odds in your favour, of course, but at the same time it's a lot more than an outside chance that you'll be one of the unlucky ones who find themselves taking the long road via the fertility clinic, with the uncertain destination - even at 30. And if you have to take the long road, it's much better to be young.

If circumstances give you choices, it's wise to weigh the risk of infertility in the balance with all the other factors around whether or when to TTC. There are of course lots of other personal and financial factors, and they stack up differently for everyone, its such an individual decision.

Having just spoken to a doctor specialising in fertility, your DD needs to do her research.

Some women see others having children later and think it will not be a problem for them...then they end up terribly disappointed when issues arise and time is against them to sort it out.

I collected some valuable information from him and if you're interested, I'm happy to share it via PM.

It's about what your DIL and DS want. They may change their minds when your GDC is born but they may not. I presume as they are planning so far ahead that they have planned their careers and prioritised those or travel or just time to enjoy each others company over having children.

They may change their minds and decide they don't want children or even find out they are unable to have children. It's really for them to decide how to conduct their lives.

Just enjoy your grandchildren when they come along and don't worry about if and when with DIL and DS.

I think that if she's looking into how her irregular periods may affect her fertility, she'll get all the information she needs and then it will be up to her to take that risk. I remember feeling pressure from my parents when I was in a relationship in my 20s to have children. Not because they wanted grandchildren, but so I would have them for me. I ended up having 4 kids from the ages of 32 to 40 and didn't even need to ttc as I got pregnant every single time I had unprotected sex near my ovulation time.

Of course my parents thought that 4 was too many and again, it was for my own good so that I would also be able to continue working.

But it made me feel like whatever i did wasn't right and at the end of the day, we are adults and it is up to us to make our own choices in life.

Also the risk of babies having chromosome issues rise when a woman reaches 35. These facts can be easily found on the NHS website

I think all this talk of fertility, difficulties & problems is pretty irrelevant. This is the woman's mother asking. It's frankly not her business! Her DD told her she doesn't want children until later. DM should accept that and let her make her choices. As PP said, she's not an idiot, she's having her irregular periods investigated. I'm sure she's capable of weighing up the available information and making her own choice.

I'm sure my MIL was posting on here about why it was taking DH and I so long to have a second child. I think she thought I'd turned 'barren'. It's none of her business but due to a horrific delivery with DS1 we waited a long time (4 years). I was 35 when I had DS2 and I got pg in the first month of trying. So not barren at all.

As her mother, surely it’s only good parenting to say gently your choices to make darling, but if you really want children your chances are better if you start trying before 35.

I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life.

But it's not your life, it's hers. She can do as she likes, and she could never have children and then grandchildren for you.

She could be talking about it like that so you back off as she doesn't really want children.

I'm 38 - almost 39 - with my first. Conception was easy. Pregnancy so far has been textbook dream. Better than the vast majority that I've read about on here. I know I may well be a statistical anomaly but my two obgyn aren't concerned and never have been. I planned to have a baby in my late 30s. I didn't want one sooner. My mum had me at the same age. I had many lovely years with paternal and maternal grandparents. Personally I don't understand why you would have children in your early 20s but I'd never say anything to anyone about it or question people's choices.

That should have said I would never want children in my early 20s/30s but would never question anyone else's choice to do so. It's not your life. I'm not sure you have any say. I would be incredibly unimpressed if my mum had said anything like this to me. Not that she ever would.

AmeriAnn

you ask which decade - my parents had us in the late 70s, mum is early 80s.

I'm not sure when the pressure started but interesting that you are 65; a friend in her 60s says "the biological clock media invention" began when she was in her 20s. Those are her words btw. She thinks it all started because of women having, shock horror, choices.

couldn't help laughing at the poster who said "diddums". My parents have no grandchildren because their children didn't want children!