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DD planning children in her late 30s.

179 replies

FreshandCrisp · 29/04/2019 00:28

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

OP posts:
PhilTheSahd · 29/04/2019 01:17

So they're not married or engaged and ops DD believes they have a potential fertility issue that she needs to check out first?? Sounds like the timeline isn't very set, and she's at a stage where she wants kids at some point, but not right now.

returnofthecat · 29/04/2019 01:25

If she has a potential fertility issue, planning children now is the smart move - she might even be able to freeze eggs for later if the doctor recommends it. If she's infertile, thinking about kids now gives her time to get her head around her options - some of which could well do with a few years of reflection!

mathanxiety · 29/04/2019 01:28

I think you could gently suggest that women in their late 30s sometimes have difficulties getting pregnant. It's not selfish for you to say this to her in a friendly way.

Don't push the grandmother angle though. You might be well able to handle a grandchild even when quite a lot older.

I suspect your DS and DIL are something of an exception in terms of their family plans, at least from what I see of the lives of my adult children and their friends and former schoolmates.

BaaBaaBaaMoo · 29/04/2019 01:33

Met DH at 19yrs and have 3dc born at 34,36 and 39 years. No fertility issues thankfully.
Has plenty time to travel and become secure financially.

namechangedforanon · 29/04/2019 01:34

Your views are odd not hers .

I'm a similar age and planning a similar timeframe .

FlyingMonkeys · 29/04/2019 01:35

The thing is - as a fully grown woman who is going to speak to her GP regarding her fertility concerns. I'm quite sure her Dr will be able to give her a damn more insight of her current and projected fertility rate than complete strangers on the internet and/or her mum. Everything else is pretty much a moot point really.

EugenesAxe · 29/04/2019 01:35

It is her choice but I’d probably be candid about fertility, and to be honest (trying to do it in a way that puts no pressure on), the bonus of fit and healthy GPs who’d be happy with an active role in their DGCs lives. I don’t have any expectations of my DPs but they have gladly helped us out so many times! Silly things, like wanting a weekend away for significant birthdays/anniversaries - didn’t consider it really, pre-DCs, but have been thankful over and over that we can ask, and know from friends with more frail & elderly parents that they have had less freedom (in the earlier years at least) as a result.

My periods were like clockwork and I conceived very easily age 33 and 34, but by my late 30s my cycle was already weird. Not saying I wouldn’t have conceived had I tried in my late 30s, and obviously everyone is different, but if she wants children it would be awful for her to wait and miss out.

MustShowDH · 29/04/2019 01:53

Nothing to do with you!

She's already considering her fertility and seeing a doctor so leave her to it.

HerRoyalNotness · 29/04/2019 01:55

Look, when you’re young you have all these ideas about how your life is going to go. That may or may not happen. Don’t worry about it. Enjoy your GC to be from your DS and leave your DD to her plans

AuldJosey · 29/04/2019 01:55

I come from a medical family and was told (I think in terms of children having chromosomal conditions), that you were statistically best to have your first before 26 and your last before 36.

She is 25. Give her 5 years and she might want kids! It's probably not statistically the ripest time, but, it's her life. That you might have grandkids is beside the point - you're not the belle of the ball here.
I know you just posted wondering, but just don't worry.
What's in her future will come for sure.

These days, women are having their first in their 40's! Wouldn't be my cup of tea mind.........

BringMeAGinandTonic · 29/04/2019 02:09

It's her life, it's her body.

Poppins2016 · 29/04/2019 02:11

...then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her.

I think this Is the part of your post that really cries out to me... I think you need to try to remember that your DD is not you and she needs to make her own decisions. It sounds as though she will be getting medical advice, so she'll be informed of the pros and cons.

Graphista · 29/04/2019 02:15

There are pros and cons to becoming a mother at any age, and it's sensible to consider them.

However, I do agree that one of those factors that few seem to seriously consider is that biology can't be changed by desire. Also it's NOT just conceiving that can be difficult.

I have endo, I knew from a young age that "something" was wrong but was repeatedly fobbed off.

Getting pregnant wasn't difficult, my first pregnancy was accidental on the pill used correctly at 18...and ended in mc. The next 2 pregnancies I conceived in less than 3 months.

Before ttc with ex husband I had to delay 3 times for medical reasons. 2 infections, 1 the treatment for which was contraindicated with pregnancy, another the condition itself needed to be out my system at least 6 months first or risk pregnancy complications, then an ovarian torsion that required treatment and recovery.

2nd pregnancy also ended in mc. It was a complex pregnancy and I had to have 2 surgeries as a result, during which the endo was discovered, I needed another surgery for that plus medication and other treatment. So that was another year waiting.

Then pregnancy 3 - dd - but medically far from plain sailing, bleeding, bad cramps, GD, spd, palpitations and fainting, preeclampsia ending in an induced birth 28 hours of labour and to save both our lives an emcs. Dd was very poorly and had to go into scbu. I too was very sick and needed treatment.

I was then advised another pregnancy would put me at high risk of death.

Out of my friends & family I'd say 1/3 have succeeded In becoming mothers without any issues with conception, pregnancy, birth or the child having a condition that is more likely to occur with older parents (sperm quality as the father ages is also an issue).

Quick tot up around 1/5 weren't able to become parents at all for a variety of reasons that don't include not wanting to be.

However this is a tricky situation with the personal relationships involved.

It's ultimately her and the potential fathers decision, but if her symptoms turn out to indicate an issue likely to impede conception, pregnancy and/or birth then the healthcare staff will point this out to her. That may well motivate her to consider ttc earlier.

Or...it's something easily treated and resolved and she'll have been checked over and found to be healthy enough to risk it.

But again even if that is the case, I'd be very surprised if none of the hcps say about the risks of late motherhood, and it's hardly a little known issue. There's lots in the news etc about it and her peers will likely be discussing too. It's highly unlikely she knows nobody that's had difficulties.

All you can do is listen, support and give your opinion/advice gently if asked.

My dd is 18. She has a disability which increases her risk of mc among other complications and possibly a gynae condition too. She's already decided that if she hasn't met the right person for her by the time she's 30 and she's financially stable, she's going to give serious consideration to going it alone rather than not be a mother. She will have my full support whatever she decides, though I will hopefully guide her in making sensible choices depending on how things pan out.

It's a difficult position you're in.

Someone I know the mum had multiple mc and then early menopause - which all the women in the family had - the daughter buried her head in the sand about all this, ended up unable to have children and at one point turned on the mother in her anger and grief and tried to say she hadn't been told about the family history, but she had. Took a long time for that relationship to get back on track.

Whizzler · 29/04/2019 02:24

It's a difficult position you're in.

It's really not.

user1492346620 · 29/04/2019 02:27

Fertility does decline with age and I work in the field of reproductive medicine and can honestly say that it is not a false statement

I think as a mother or a friend or someone close it is fair to say 'this is what I've heard about fertility etc, did you know this'
I know everyone on mn loves to say nothing is ever anyone else's business but that is bs
We should be able to be candid and open with our loved ones
We don't all just go around in our little bubble refusing to hear what other people think

Certainly don't tell her what she should be doing. She has her own life to live and she's still so young - and ultimately she will have her own successes and failures

But, if she's told you her plans, then I think it's ok to venture an opinion

AmeriAnn · 29/04/2019 02:41

my parents were together from early 20s

didn't have kids till late 30s because they wanted to build a good financial base and do some travelling.

back in those days, apparently there wasn't so much crap doing the rounds about age and conception, mum tells me

What decade were those days? I'm 65 and there was a bit of a panic amongst all the women I knew once they got into their late 20's. It was expected you were married before having children and there was no decent fertility treatment or genetic testing back them.

My own parents were together since age 16, married at twenty and had their two children before they reached 24. They bought a house when they were 21 and we all traveled and had adventures together.

It was great camping etc with youngish parents and both my children had adventures with their grandparents - some pretty hilarious. Sadly I have never enjoyed grandchildren because of the attitude these days amongst many women to wait as long as possible or not to have children at all. Shock I have sons.

As I mentioned above, I had my first at 21 but with my second I was 35 and it took 5 years of trying. Though with my first I became pregnant very quickly.

Whizzler · 29/04/2019 02:43

Sadly I have never enjoyed grandchildren because of the attitude these days amongst many women to wait as long as possible or not to have children at all. shock I have sons.

Diddums.

Monty27 · 29/04/2019 02:47

Keep your nose out of her life. You sound awful

StoppinBy · 29/04/2019 02:49

I agree with you that leaving it until her late 30's and assuming that she will simply fall pregnant at that age because it is convenient is not the wisest idea if she definitely wants children

BUT

it is not your place to tell her what to do, neither will it likely do you any good and in fact may actually damage your relationship with her. It is her life and ultimately her decision to make, whether she ends up regretting that decision or being very happy with it is yet to be seen.

I can understand why you might be disappointed thinking that you will be too old to enjoy your relationship with your GC fully but there is 60 years between my Grandma and I and we did lots of things with her.

floribunda18 · 29/04/2019 02:50

I would never advise someone to wait until their late 30s to start trying if they really want children- obviously life just happens that way sometimes, but it is best not to actually plan it that way. Fertility declines loads between age 30 and 35, then is much worse 35+, plus there are more risks in having a child older. I'm sure a health professional will say the same to her if she is having investigations now.

1Wanda1 · 29/04/2019 02:53

I had kids at 25, 28 and 43. It was much easier getting pregnant at 25 and 28 than it was at 42. It's a very personal business though, and other than pouting out the obvious - that it might be harder in her late 30s - I'm not sure there's much you can really do here.

EdtheBear · 29/04/2019 02:55

Op all you can do is make her aware of the facts about declining fertility.

Double check this info but it's something like 30% of women who wait to 37 to TTC will never carry a baby to term.

It could be the late 30s comment is really just a 'shut-up mum, I'll deal with it in my own time and I don't want you asking every other day'

pissedonatrain · 29/04/2019 03:12

Stay out of it. When she goes to the doctor, they will give her accurate medical advise.

RubberTreePlant · 29/04/2019 03:23

Maybe send her a link to reputable source like this (since she's said she's seeing fertility doctors anyway);

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/when-should-you-start-trying-to-get-pregnant/

MillennialFalcon · 29/04/2019 04:28

If she’s already concerned about her fertility and having children is important to her then she should get medical advice about this issue but it’s not about you, she isn’t under any obligation to have children on your schedule or at all. It would be awful if she felt pressured to do it before she’s ready. And having children in your early 20s is quite young, no judgement to anyone who does it but it’s not the norm nowadays so don’t compare her to you or her brother. It’s a very individual decision and plenty of people prefer to wait. What matters is that right now she’s going through some health issues, irregular periods can indicate a variety of health conditions and it’s clearly concerning her so maybe focus on that and show you care about her more than some hypothetical future grandchild.

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