DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

Nothing to do with you, and who discusses their fertility with their mother? .

I would have been mortified if my mother had that sort of discussion with me (& I had my first baby at 43 with no problems at all).

get one in before 30 what a horrible expression, makes having a baby seem little more than stocking your freezer or getting some early Christmas shopping done .

Yes, OP, lecture her constantly about how fertility ‘falls off a cliff’ in your late 30s because literally no media outlet has ever breathed a word about this ever, or run endless scaremongering stories about egg freezing.

It's not good for her to wait until her late 30s, especially if she wants more than one child. Unfortunately for women, it gets more difficult to reproduce for most women at that age and they often need fertility treatment and even then, the odds of success are much much lower. Perhaps she is not very well informed on the subject? Anecdotal experiences from friends and such who have had children from late 30s, don't suggest anything about her own fertility. So it's a good thing she's getting it checked at least.

I understand you're upset. It is a long time to wait. Even if it's not your decision and never will be, you're allowed to feel the way you do, because that's all it is. A feeling. Eventually you'll come to accept her decision to wait.
Congratulations on your DILs pregnancy and your future grandchild

I think she's being very sensible in getting herself checked out, as others have said I'm sure she'll get advice from the medical professionals. Just because having children in your twenties was right for you it doesn't mean it's right for her. I'm 38 and am struggling to conceive but I don't regret waiting so long as I just wasn't ready before now.

My mum had me at 45. She's now 80 and closer to my DS than anyone else in the extended family.

There's no right way to do anything. This is none of your business and worrying about what age you'll be a grandparent is selfish and petty.

Have you considered she's giving herself a decade to get people off her back asking, knowing she might have fertility problems ahead? Might not be her actual plan. She sounds fairly clued up on fertility about really is none of your business, sorry.

You mention you don't want to be too old. And that you started your family when you were younger, like DIL. Just double check that this isnt about you before trying to influence your daughter's life decisions. She opened up to you about irregular periods, don't betray that by trying to make her have babies younger or she might not be so willing to tell you anything!

For what it's worth, she sounds sensible and has he head screwed on. Fair enough of your DS and DIL went from meeting to baby in a year or less, that was their choice but that isn't for everyone.

And what if she then decided she didn't want children?

Wow, someone is feeling grumpy!

Anyway, it's fine for your DD to plan children whenever she wants. I'm sure she's aware that she'll be less fertile in her late 30s, I think all adult women know this (I know this is a big assumption on my part so I'm happy to be corrected if anyone disagrees).

There was a thread on here the other day about a mum worrying that her DD was TTC too young because she was doing so in her mid twenties.

It may be upsetting for you but you have to just let her get it with it. It's really none of your business and it's not as if you could do or say anything to change her mind anyway.

Harsh ot may be but I'm with ASAS, its your DD's choice.

And what if she then decided she didn't want children?

Heaven forfend! 😱 😱

@FreshandCrisp first of all it may well have been a flippant remark (esp if the conversation went exactly the way you describe). If anyone asked me if I was planning on TTC - even my own mum - I'd brush it off like your daughter did even if I was planning conceiving. I don't consider myself a prude but conception = shagging and while a pregnancy announcement is lovely blah blah I really do not need to know when people are "trying"

Maybe I am a prude.

Anyway, in all seriousness OP why do you care when you've already got a grandchild on the way? You are obviously looking forward to being a granny and that's great but why do you need one from each child? It's not like a limited edition collector's set.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic I genuinely don't get the issue here, and I am hoping you'll enlighten me.

I am very interested in how grandparents (or prospective grandparents) feel about their 'role' due to the dynamics of my own family and in-law set up.

You are right to be concerned, too many young women think they can delay conceiving, and if need be can nip for a bit of ivf if needed without realising how low the success rate is. In her 20's she probably is fine but all young women (and men tbh) should be aware that it's not always easy to conceive - if having kids isn't important to you then there's no problem but I'm not sure ivf should even be nhs funded for "I left it too late" reasons. Plus some women go through menopause very early, DD's friend was 19!

I think its getting to be more the norm, having kids older and older has been a trend for a while. If she is doing the planning it sounds like she is being responsible and plans can change however it should be her decision without pressure. Perhaps she will consider harvesting some eggs for her future as part of her planning. In the end, fine to discuss with your mates but her body, her choice.

Actually it is true your fertility drops as you reach your 30s. More so when you hit 35 - dramatically. Also the quality of your eggs diminish hence when multiple births are more common the older the woman gets as your ovaries release more eggs.

I’ve had three lots of IVF starting at 34. Women’s bodies really are ticking clocks.

op I’d just bite your tongue. This is her journey. If she is investigating her fertility a doctor should mention this.

Some women just refuse to believe this. My friend was one of them and is now a 40 year old woman desperate for a baby.

First off I think you need to adjust what really old is given you can’t yet be 50!

Secondly once you have adjusted that see it as the same as your daughter is, she is merely saying she isn’t ready yet. As someone who had children at 29 and 33 I was young in my group very few of my peers and my children’s parents had them earlier. She is just seeing late 30s as a time in the future

OP I’d advise you to look at yourself and your own health. It’s very concerning that you feel you are “ not getting any younger “ in your mid to late 40s. Most women in your age group are fit and active, busy with work, sport, hobbies and family / friends.

The only ones I know who feel they are old are those who are very overweight and / or or have chronic poor health. If that’s you, see your doctor and get advice on how to manage it better. Give up smoking and alcohol, start exercising and lose weight if you need to.

I know women 20 years older than you who are out running marathons- there's simply no reason for a person in their 40s to feel that they will be “ really old “ in 10 years.

Find a job and hobbies that interest you, make your own life rather than looking to your adult children to give you fulfilment . Accept that they will find partners ( if they wish ) and have children as THEY want, not to give you something to do with your time.

Many single people and couples choose not to have children at all - if this is their decision, be happy for them.

If you want to stay on good terms with your adult children and have a good relationship with any future grandchildren, you need to butt out of their lives.

Ameriann IME and that of friends it's men not wanting to have children that is the biggest factor stopping women having children. You need to be talking to your sons not blaming your DILs and women generally.

I wanted kids in my early 30s but it didn’t happen for me for several years and I had to go through an awful lot to get there. Your DD may be lucky and get pregnant straight away or she might be like me. Putting off TTC until then increases the risk of it never happening sadly. I don’t know how you would broach this with her though without sounding like you’re interfering, sorry.

It’s nothing to do with you OP, stay well out of it.

I had dd is my 40s. Not uncommon. Infact most people i know are 35 plus having dc for first time. Depends when you meet your dh. Yabu

@londonrach not that I agree with the OP, but she did already say this isn't a case of life events causing her daughter to decide this and also, this isn't AIBU!

I do understand how you feel OP. I've experienced something of this as I waited until mid-30s and then struggled for two years and finally had two at 38 and 41. But it wasn't ideal and it was a lot of heartbreak for a while.

I also completely understand why you'd be concerned for your daughter. It really is a MN thing that you're not allowed to express any concern for your loved ones. In the real world we care about those close to us and don't want things to go wrong for them. However, it's true that you can't influence her and it's better to make your own decisions as you have to live with the consequences.

It doesn't sound like you brought the subject up as some people are implying, so if she mentions it again, you could ask about what they told her about fertility after 35 and mention your concerns. Having one conversation isn't the same as constantly badgering. Just don't labour the point though.

TTC at 23 as your DIL is doing is far more unusual these days. Your daughter's time-scale is far more standard.

I'm a midwife, the vast majority of women I see are mid-30s. I see more women in thier 40s that I do in their teens/very early 20s.

But most importantly, this is your daughter's life and her body. Stop trying to interfere. Well-meaning but ultimately intrusive comments about fertility will only alienate her. It's not about you and your desire to be an active grandparent.