DD planning children in her late 30s.

[FreshandCrisp]

Hi there. My daughter is 25 and has a boyfriend she has been with for 5 years. They moved in with each other last year and have been enjoying each other. She had a conversation with me about children, saying she wants to get her irregular periods checked out as she is worried it will affect fertility. I assumed this meant in the near future she was actually planning on TTC. I asked her and she was like oh no, I definitely want children, but I think late 30s. Obviously it's up to her and I know many people who haven't found someone or for any other reason, may obviously have a baby in their late 30s, but it seems unusual in her situation to 'plan' that. Isn't this slightly strange? I won't deny I'm a bit upset, I'm not getting any younger and I'd hate to be really old and not be able to be an active part in my grandchild's life. This isn't about me pushing for a grandchild, my DIL is pregnant. However, my son met her at 22, married her at 23 and then TTC at 23. Which seemed a bit more like what I did. Again, I know we are all different, I'm not trying to influence her. I just think activity planning for a baby in your late 30s isn't the wisest of things?

I’ve just had my second child aged 46. I made sure I was fit and active before IVF treatment. My pregnancy/labour was easier than with my first child that I had at age 38 (although this time I had a planned c section). I feel more emotionally and financially stable than if I’d had a child in my 20’s.

But I don't think 'try and conceive at 25 in case you can't at 35' is necessarily very sensible advice.

No, but, "consider TTC in early to mid thirties if you have the option" might be.

Or "just be aware that your odds do decrease slightly in the run up to 40" might be.

I’m having my first at 41, no issues conceiving. Birth rates are going up and up in the over 40’s now. 30 is no longer old. If my mother had dared query my choices I’d have hit the roof! Fortunately she has more sense.
Late 30’s is a perfect time to have a child IMO.

I'd say the good thing is they are planning at least! I remember hearing a colleague say 'I'll start think about kids when I'm 30', and thinking that's a bit late to 'start' thinking about it if you don't have your career and living arrangement sorted out as a basis to start a family.

I think sometimes the 'riskiness' of conceiving in late 30s is overstated (about 50% of my mates with kids have had them in late 30s+, only a few with problems conceiving), but I would still recommend having kids sooner rather than later if you can just for reasons of your own health, energy and so on, but I don't think there's any point pushing it. They will come to their own conclusions and maybe DD find that she is ready sooner than late 30s.

I used to think I'd advise my kids as adults to start sooner rather than later, but actually I've come to the conclusion that I would like to just advise DD and DS to basically think, when they've finished their education, about whether they want kids and, if so, to try to plan things around working towards then when it suits them. And it sounds like that's what your DD is doing.

@wussy good for you. But.... Don't you feel guilty that you're lucky if you see your child to 20? I feel bad having mine at late twenties. All my energy is sucked out of me. (although I wouldn't have it any other way) god knows how you must feel!

Don't you feel guilty that you're lucky if you see your child to 20?

Wussy will be 66 when her child is 20, barely retirement age. Are you not assuming you will be alive to retire for more than a year, limpbizkit? Is your health very poor?

OP I haven’t read all the threads but the first thing that springs to mind is your DD’s wants and needs in terms of having a child trump your needs and wants as a GP.
But having said that fertility does actively start to decline from 35. Maybe she meant mid 30’s and wanted to buy herself some time away from pressure.
I met DH at 32 got married at 35 tried for a baby from our wedding night but didn’t give birth to my first until aged 38 and had my second at 39. I am much more tired than a younger mum. But I don’t resent my DC and I happily put them first. Be patient and try to reign your impatience in as you risk pushing away and overly pressurising your DD.

Its true that fertility declines in your late 30s and getting pregnant is more of a gamble. It's by no means the cliff edge some people suggest it is, but its something to be aware of and she should educate herself on it.

But I find it slightly disturbing that you're actively encouraging her to have children in her 20s. If she's planning on having more than one child she's looking at one of two scenarios: either she stops work for a period of several years and is at the mercy of her other half and we all know what a risky situation that is to be in. She will also put her career development back by a decade or so if she does this. Or she continues to work and the childcare costs her all her disposable cash.

Personally I would never recommend my daughter to waste her 20s having children. I would never recommend anyone have children under the age of 30. The cost to your financial wellbeing, your autonomy and your sense of self is just too high for it to be worthwhile.

another thing about being an older or younger parent

it's hard enough having parents in their 80s. If I was looking at parents in their 90s - which I still could be with mum - I just couldn't cope.

so actually if they'd had me 15 years earlier....let's just say I'm really grateful they didn't. I've seen people in their 60s caring for parents....awful experience. I want to be enjoy retirement by then - well I should be otherwise mum will be 100

The vast majority of respondents are still only considering conception.

Only 1 or 2 have even mentioned maintaining a healthy pregnancy, being able to have a relatively straightforward birth and the decrease in egg and sperm QUALITY.

Also only 1 or 2 have even mentioned the cons of later parenthood in terms of babies and young children needing a lot of energy, possibly needing to provide care to elderly parents oneself and having to juggle that.

I don't think anyone's mentioned how the children of older parents feel. I've a few in my circle and at least 2 have said to me they think their parents were wrong to actively decide to be older parents (their parents being in their 40's when they had them). That they were embarrassed when younger having older parents, that their parents weren't able to be as active with them as their friends parents were and that they felt it added to pressure on THEM to have children quite young in order for the grandparents to play an active role in their lives (or even to be around at all, both the fathers had passed before my friends had their children), plus they had the responsibility of caring for elderly & infirm parents at the same time as caring for younger active children.

It's not just about the potential parents the children's needs should be considered too.

And yes I know there's pros too - maturity, patience, financial security etc

But it's disingenuous to act as if the cons aren't important or minimal.

@thebulb my mother in law is a fit active 69 year old but has had two heart attacks. She'll be very lucky if she sees her grandchildren to adulthood .

Mid 30s would be better than late 30s as fertility declines after 35 I'm sure it is.
But it's possible she wants to be really ready and maybe even get married first?
I can understand your disappointment as late 30s is another 15 years away for you.

I was a lousy baby-mama. My husband took up most of the slack. I didn't know how to play with her, I didn't get up in the night for her, and I felt rubbish all the time.

Electric, are you me? This was exactly how I felt with my two DCs. I had wonderful fantasies about teaching them all kinds of wonderful things and long afternoons of craft and nature and baking and the true meaning of life. Instead I looked at them and my mind went blank like when you're on stage being asked to improvise or do stand-up, the house was a mess because I wasn't a domestic goddess to begin with, and everything I cooked, they spat out. I did get up at night but my hearing impairment meant that often DH woke before I did, so we both did the jobs, and he is also way tidier and more organised than I am.

What makes me is that if you're female, all this is a Big Problem needing to be dealt with as you're a rubbish mum, but if you're male, oh well it's a steep learning curve and the hardest job in the world...

Life expectancy in the UK is over 80. Except apparently on this thread where people are convinced women who have children in their 30s won't see their children to adulthood.

I had DC3 at 41 (all DC conceived first month of trying despite the so called cliff edge of fertility), I am about the OPs age and am fit and healthy and have not yet noticed any slowing down, just a few wrinkles and the odd grey hair. My DM is in her early 70s and MIL is 81 and is full of energy. Maybe the OP (and limpbizkit) need to sort out their diet and exercise?

Agreed, Fosco. I had my son just before turning 40, conceived first month of trying, straightforward pregnancy, am perfectly fit and healthy, run four times a week, etc etc. DS has all four grandparents, in their mid-70s. He’s just been playing football with both his grandads. They won’t see him as an adult, but that’s hardly a tragedy.

I remember reading a thread where someone was sad that some kids don't ever know their great-grandparents. I'm sure it's lovely to have four generations living in one family but realistically it must be a pretty modern thing where people expect to have a memory of a great-grandparent!

We can have a plan for our next 10 years but more than often, things change due to different circumstances. Just wait and see what future brings.

Depends where you live OP. I used to live in a capital city where most people have kids aged 40+, but now I live in a smaller place where most people had kids in their early 20s. I feel really sorry for them tbh. No chance to enjoy life and become the people they want to be. I had my first at 32 and am so glad I got to do lots of amazing things before that (travel, jobs, volunteering, crafts). My first baby was a really bad sleeper for 3 yeard and I felt like my life was destroyed for a long time (better now he s 7) so I would always advise people to put off having children as long as possible.
If you had your kids at 22, you will still be young if your daughter becomes a mum at 38!

No one knows the future. She might decide in 2 years time she feels ready. She can't tell when she'll feel ready and neither can you.

Regardless, it's absolutely nothing to do with you and if I felt you were suggesting my decision was bad I'd be even less likely to tell you the truth about what I was thinking so you couldn't judge me some more.

I am so grateful I didn't have my kids in my 20s. I'd have been an awful parent. I now get to look back at my 20s as full of fun and I've become a brilliant parent in my 30s. I'd rather be ready and be a good parent than have kids early just so I can have grandparents around.....

In general this tends to be a very decisive subject - those who've experienced fertility problems will have a very different outlook from those who haven't.

Those who've had kids young will tend to see the advantages of having them young and vice versa for those who didn't.

Those who've had parents, friends etc have serious health problems before their 70s/80s or at all will see older parenthood differently from those who haven't.

The reality is probably somewhere in the middle of all this, and obviously varies a lot.

• divisive

I'm pregnant for the first time at almost 38, I conceived straight away (literally).

The 35 drop off theory is based on a 300-year-old study from French parish records, it's not even a scientific study.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176

Yes, there is more of a risk at this age but plenty of women have kids well into their 40s these days (I know several), it is unusual to have a kid in the early or even late 20s, especially if women want to build a career.

I wouldn't worry too much OP - it also sounds like she's quite switched on about her fertility, she could always get a "fertility MOT" which would tell her where she is at and how long she has likely got, they cost around 300 pounds at a private clinic.

@Graphista as I said in my post my mum was 38 when she had me - almost 39. She was hands down one of the best, most hands on mums in my friendship group. My friends adored her, I think she's a rockstar. I have experienced zero of the issues your friends describe. Her energy was great and her sense of balance and perspective was unrivalled. I have felt zero pressure from her or society to have a baby - hence doing exactly what she did and waiting until I was ready. She is old now yes. She's not in the best of health - mostly self inflicted - but she's still active with a super sharp mind and will be a wonderful gran for as long as she's around. Although I do wish she'd get a bloody hearing aid. Not sure where the idea stems from that grandparents need to see their grandchildren into adulthood. My last grandparent died 2 weeks ago at the age of 99. It was lovely to have her at my wedding but I don't feel sad she won't meet my baby. It's the way life works.

My parents may need care and I'll deal with that as and when. Doesn't seem like a valid reason to base my family planning on. My dad's not well now. He looks after himself and mum supports him when he needs it. I live thousands of miles away. If they need me I'd help out but I think my parents did a great job of raising a loving but independent child. I adore them, but they have always pushed me to have my own life and pursue my own ambitions without being "tied" to them.

I also said I've had a dream of a pregnancy. As did my mum with me.

I don't agree people are being disingenuous on this thread. If that is the case then surely that could be said about minimising the challenges of having a baby when you're younger too.

I don't understand why women can't support eachother in the choices we make without pulling eachother down.

PBobs - what a lovely tribute to your parents, especially your mum.