Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

[MrDrummer]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

Sadly that doesn’t always work Sunshineandflipsflops, mine travels the world with his career, that isn’t something my son would be able to cope with. You can’t always be with the person you love.

Yes I agree with @shitwithsugaron I couldn't wait until date 5 or more for a snog, you say you sit opposite him but what about when you leave? No goodbye kiss/snog?

I must admit I would feel a bit odd sharing a room with someone I hadn’t snogged, unless we had just met and it was quite obvious that we were going to go for it once in said hotel room. But if there was nothing after meeting five times I would probably be really unsure of what to do.

@vwman spit out the players book you have swallowed there please. We are your friends here

I do agree with the comments about not snogging yet and on date 5. I wouldn't get past date 2 (at a push) if no snogging had happened.

Sigh <
So, I pm'd this somewhere earlier and I said I wouldn't put it on the thread but fuck it. Let's make an outing of it

Let's me state the bleedin' obvious: nobody on this thread knows me from Adam, with the exception of kerkyra, whom I know in IRL. Only my counsellor and I know my full back story, not even my close family.

I got to say, I found JeSuis's post (and the subsequent "I agrees") pretty triggering. I can't tell you what it feels like to be a woman (is it reasonable to expect me to?) but I do know what it is like to be under threat:

(Trigger warning: physical and mental abuse disclosed)

My separated/departed drove a car at me once and pinned me between the bumper bars of a 4x4 and a lowered sports car, causing a scissor action on my knee. It tore my knee cartilage so badly I walked with a limp for 2 years and given the choice of an operation that would be excruciatingly painful and may not help). It is still damaged today, and probably explains why I have so many bio-mechanical issues on my right side. It wasn't the only physical assault, but the others just resulted in superficial damage. The cuts healed.

I was subjected to significant sleep deprivation. Should I have gotten out earlier? Yes, but then I risked leaving my DD in that environment alone. If I got DD out (she adored her mum, so I doubt I could), I knew I would have a fight on my hands. Separated/Departed was incredibly devious and capable of fighting very dirtily. When I did leave, she threaten to try to make a scene at my work (I had to warn security), she threatened to try to get me the sack, she threatened to make up lies about me assaulting my DD, me never seeing dd again (seperated/departed had foreign citizenship), etc.

Please don't comment on the above (e.g. no "sorry to hear", etc) and no judgement of me or separated/departed - she is not here to defend herself. It's mostly dealt with, I am only sharing because I want to break the stereotype that us men have nothing to fear. We (men and women) are all individuals. We all have stories. Some (far, far) worse than mine. Some better. So please... be careful with the gender stereotypes.

Sorry, Cassettes, it's feeling far from a safe space today. I don't think Ant felt too safe the other day, either.

If anyone feels they want to comment on the specifics, I would rather it was pm. Feeling quite exposed at the moment :)

MrDrummer I admire you posting that. I can imagine it wasn't easy.

I have disagreed with the comments re men v women, but didn't think it necessary to say anything 🤷. I have known men to have had their drinks spiked, had many sexually suggestive comments made to them and been pressured into sex. I've seen my friends say things to a man who comes to a bar to buy a drink.

That said, I didn't see anything wrong with the 'challenge accepted' but I also wouldn't have seen anything wrong with a man saying it. I get why it would've triggered you MrDrummer.

Well, Dr Headfuck gave me a surprise phone call last night . We got on like a house on fire but, although we discovered that our free weekends are still aligned, he made no firm moves towards agreeing a time/ place for a second date. And thus the name I have given him....

In other news, Mr Greek has gone quiet today; I texted him this evening to enquire whether he'd fallen down a big hole, and he said no, he was just resting and "having a break". Just have to see if he comes back I suppose.

It's not fair! Everybody else is having loads of sex and I want some too! Is that too much to ask?!

No sex happening here crackofdoom 😩😩. None whatsoever!! I've got my date Sunday although I've still got a horrible feeling he's going to cancel or ghost on the day! He's also 33 miles from me but I've hinted (not so subtly) that I won't be driving to him Sunday 😂😂.

I don't know how people say dating is fun...

None here @crackofdoom spoke to Mr Filth a few times, but no sex.

When are you meeting Mr Filth lifegoes?

Monday @ItsAMiracle2015 wanted to meet tomorrow but I can't. He rings ALL the time but I quite like that. Still swiping and chatting to others online. Refuse to get caught up again.

Hey mr drummer, please don't take it to heart and so personally. May be take a break on here? It's fantastic for support with all our dating woes,but once someone has paired off they only seem to pop on now and again. You seem very settled with fwb and as I haven't seen you on pof I expect you may no longer be looking. Apart from egg gate all seems fine,but i'm sure help will be willing once you need advice again. Or we welcome your advice.
We have met twice for a coffee and not known each other long (chatted on pof but were not each others type were we,but stayed in touch) and you are really are a decent bloke. Very deep and clever,though I have no idea what you're like socially?! Keep your chin up

I ought to add, I don't blame anybody for the trigger element. My baggage to deal with and I don't hold it against all of womanhood... I don't even hold it against my ex.

@ItsAMiracle2015

Thanks. I didn't have a problem with anything anyone said until we got into the "you're not allowed to say that because you're a man" territory.

shitwithsugar maybe the guy at the bar went on a date with whomever on here said they expected the men to pay for all the drinks on a first date?

@kerkyra

I have no idea what you're like socially

Absolute party animal

I was the girl standing outside bars on the tacky 18 to 30 hols,snogging all the fit lads and getting them in :)
I've asked village man to bring some cake back from the wedding he attended today...my cheeky way to get him to come over hopefully tomorrow! He hasn't even replied,will probably pop up in two weeks with cake like cement

sunshine I get what you are saying but i’m hoping we can still have a nice time and get to know each other better by spending the weekend together and if things move along then there’s still the option to DTD otherwise it’s not expected.
vwman i’m afraid I totally disagree. I don’t beleive in soul mates. BFF or otherwise.
sugaron yes I do find him attractive but I haven’t had that wanting to rip his clothes off moment, probably because we haven’t had a proper kiss/snuggle. I’m hoping things will progress and by th time the weekend comes round we’ll be more comfortable with each other.

MrDrummer you’re a star for posting that and redressing the balance somewhat. We all need to remember not to over-generalise. Everyone’s input is valuable precisely because it’s individual and hard-learned. I don’t really get the ‘safe space’ movement in university etc because it often seems to suppress freedom of speech so I probably shouldn’t have referenced it. Maybe I just meant there’s nothing to be really afraid of here.

I was so sure earlier on that I could cope without Mr Mad. Now I’m not so sure. Tough night 😕

And nah, I don’t believe in soul mates one iota. Earth-moving lust, yup yup yup.

AtSea I haven't dtd since last autumn and I understand how you are feeling.I think your idea is fine,you will have a relaxed time,maybe a few drinks in the evening, hopefully get closer and hold hands/ kiss. The chances are you will end up in bed with him probably,even if you don't have sex ( I've done that lots too). I think a weekend away will be the opportunity you both need to get to know each other really well and it will either be a yes or no after (hopefully hell yes!)

30something first date as we left we hugged, 2nd we had hug and kiss on cheek, 3rd was quick peck, 4th was longer peck but not quite a snog. 5th date is this weekend.

SimonJT He messages me saying he can’t wait to see me and I say same. lifegoes I will try and gauge him at the weekend as to whether he’s happy with the pace. I’m sure if he wasn’t he’d make more effort over dinner to hold my hand and give flirty touches but he doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t fancy me but if he didn’t surely he’d call it a day.

kerkeyra hopefully it’s fruit cake and not sponge then!

Were all the dates in the daytime atsea? I find evening dates are more romantic,it's dark outside when you say goodbye and less people about.So a snog should be on the cards

Was that for me @AtSea1979 ??

I love getting texts that blatantly aren't for me 😂😂😂😂😂 👊🏼

@lifegoes yes it was for you in response to what you said at 9:35 about no second date if no snogging.

kerkyra early evening so still light outside! Will try and suggest going for a stroll or something then he might hold my hand at least!