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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

999 replies

MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 20:23

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

OP posts:
lifegoes · 28/04/2019 21:35

@BendyLikeBeckham I'm just taking it as a deleted text now. I don't want to reread it, I don't want to know anymore.

It feels strange 1 hour ago I was crying in @MrDrummer PM's haha and now I'm like - DONE.

Original poster
MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 21:35

Christ, I want egg and beans so badly now :( :(

OP posts:
shitwithsugaron · 28/04/2019 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifegoes · 28/04/2019 21:42

@shitwithsugaron it prob is! They both probably get off on it. But no reply and blocked completely. I feel a sense of relief.

This catfish Iron on tinder is making me laugh.

How can you hide your location, have home set as somewhere but still match with me 🤔

Original poster
MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 21:44

@shitwithsugaron Wow, congratulations on being offered a drawer! My last proper gf winced a little when I asked if I could leave a toothbrush.. which I just realised I never got back, goddamit!

@lifegoes Glad to hear you are done :)

OP posts:
falaff · 28/04/2019 21:45

Hi everyone, I think I'll dip back into this thread as I could do with some support and it's really great reading everyone's experiences too!

So I've met some very lovely, had a few issues with my self worth but trying not to let it ruin things. We've seen each other about 5 times over about 10 days and he's just great. Really kind, lots in common but enough self interests too, the conversation is great and so was the sex the other night Blush. He seems to want to keep seeing me and is making a lot of time for me considering that he is very busy with a high intensity job and a bit of an introvert.

However... couple of issues from when we DTD. He ended up leaving as he said that he needed to wake up in his own bed. Is that normal? I found it a bit upsetting because I struggle with sleeping with someone for the first time. However, I value his feelings too and I know what it's like to need your own space, and he's been in touch since, so I think I need to let it go and not see it as a reflection on me.

Also, he came out with the classic 'I've been in relationships for a long time and I don't really know what I want'. That really worried me. How do I deal with it? What does he even mean?

:/

supercali77 · 28/04/2019 21:45

Place marking. I've had 5 baths in 24h. Im chain bathing. This is the kind of non stop excitement you get on the kitten bench 🙄

supercali77 · 28/04/2019 21:48

@falaff on the bed thing. I find it really difficult to sleep in a new bed with a new person so have left in the first few times after dtd with someone. You might find if you stay at his he's fine with that. I don't think it's that uncommon. 're. Him saying about the relationship...well. believe him on that. He might not be ready for a ltr. If that's what you're legit looking for it might not end up being with him but then....it might? People fall for people despite best intentions but personally I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket?

lifegoes · 28/04/2019 21:55

@falaff I agree with Super I really struggle to sleep in the same bed with someone new.

I think it's coz I'm used to being on my own. But if I do stay I'm literally up all night and can't sleep then I feel awful.

So I wouldn't take it personally.

On the relationship side just rem it's only been 10 days. Just enjoy it

Original poster
MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 21:57

@falaff I think the bed thing is okay, as long as it isn't: "I need to wake up in my own bed because the wife might be upset if I'm not there"

OP posts:
lifegoes · 28/04/2019 22:00

@MrDrummer is winning tonight mind with his one liners

falaff · 28/04/2019 22:01

Aw thanks guys, that's made me feel better. I was a little upset and he could tell as I felt like we really sort of bonded and then he left me in a cold bed!! I do get it though and was very honest and respectful and apologised for my reaction. He knows I'm a very sensitive and emotional person so I don't think I scared him off. I actually slept with someone a couple of times several weeks ago and it was AWFUL afterwards, didn't get a wink of sleep!

My issue is that I get waaaay overinvested and I really, really like this guy. I can fall for someone very quickly. I'm really trying to keep a handle on it but damn it's hard. Hence my other thread...

What do you think he means with the relationship thing? I honestly don't understand. He's dating me, wants to do everything related to dating etc but doesn't want to commit, is that it? He's not seeing anyone else. Am I really at risk of him turning around and just leaving after several weeks?

On another note, not sure if anyone remembers Mr Climber that I friendzoned... I still bloody like him. We're friends but that's also hard and I totally would!!! Kinda wish he would just jump on me as I can tell he likes me.

Damn my brain!

lifegoes · 28/04/2019 22:14

@@falaff can I just ask as I'm not sure ive missed something.

Have you only been chatting/meeting for 10days?

Bluezoo123 · 28/04/2019 22:18

Haven't got to end of thread but just wanted to say life when it first came up your post had a pink box after each hand raise emoji-now they're not there!i Googled it and it's the skin tone colour so maybe it came up randomly when post first came through?! I don't know.apologies all for digressing from thread 😬

Original poster
MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 22:23

@CocoKoko123 some emojies come over weird from the different formats. Some of the shrugs come across as a shrug character with the male or female symbol, whereas is they are rendered as intended, it would a woman shrugging

OP posts:
vwman · 28/04/2019 22:27

falaff assuming he doesn't have a wife he needs to get back to ……... its a commitment thing he is not ready for the relationship bit yet, morning means other intimacies, seeing each other with bed head, having a change of clothes, toiletries in your house getting closer to that committed relationship. It may happen, or may not in the future but at the moment I don't think he is committed to you

NestOfSwipers · 28/04/2019 22:31

Can I drag my bench over please? It's the Bench of Invisibility. I haven't had a date since New Year's Eve and only one Bumble match this week. As usually happens, he turned out to be living way outside my radius. When I asked where he lived, and that maybe he might be too far away for me, he sent me a patronising message. I'm 53. By this age, you think everybody would be better behaved...

TooOldForThis67 · 28/04/2019 22:42

Ah, shitwith - a drawer! That has to be the next step from the smitten bench, the draw bench, lol. Congratulations! Mr Wow is on the washbag bench so still a way to go.

WarIsPeace · 28/04/2019 23:02

Checking in.
Smitten bench for me but you lot are my people.

falaff · 28/04/2019 23:07

@lifegoes yep... we've spent a lot of lovely time together and both said we don't want to see other people before we explore things between us. But yes that's no time at all hence why I need to chill.

@vwman we have a couple of mutual friends qho have vouched for him so I know he's a genuine guy. So I'm not worried about there being someone else. You are probably right, I've just never had anyone say that to be before and I've never felt like that so it's hard to understand what he means.

I think I need to try and chill out and stop worrying and thinking there's a future already. But it's exciting and lovely and hard to not just enjoy it! I've always thought Fuck It to reining anything back in my life to be honest!

lifegoes · 28/04/2019 23:14

Yeah it's quite quick @falaff I wouldn't be ready for a relationship after that time.

Just be careful to not over invest (says the woman that TOTALY over-invests ALL the time)

Try and enjoy it and not over think it. Keep us updated and chat to us we can help x

Notcoolmum · 28/04/2019 23:18

Ooh a drawer shitwith this is SERIOUS!!

lifegoes hope they are both blocked. What a cheek he’s got!

falaff I’d hate that too. Mr S doesn’t stay over as he thinks it’s not fair on the kids to have him on their space so we quite often dtd and then he leaves. But not in bed. I’d still prefer him to stay. I always stay over st his (bedsit, no kids).

supercali hope you are ok. You will certainly be clean!!

falaff · 28/04/2019 23:19

@lifegoes thanks. I know it's too soon for a relationship, it's that he sort of said that it may not be a possibility and that was a bit rubbish. It would be been better if he said it before we slept together but yeh it was part of the post sex talk :/

I am going to try really hard not to overinvest. I have a terrible habit of overthinking and catastrophising and I'm aware of this... for example, he hasn't text back to me asking what he's up to tomorrow (we've tried to meet up on three times today!) and I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me. Which is probably absolute rubbish. But it's good for me to recognise it and tell myself how silly it is.

vwman · 28/04/2019 23:27

@falaff I would just say don't over invest emotionally at the moment because he hasn't, at the moment the future is tomorrow and that all there is between you, if you push him into something more permanent he may freak out and walk away

vwman · 28/04/2019 23:27

@falaff I would just say don't over invest emotionally at the moment because he hasn't, at the moment the future is tomorrow and that all there is between you, if you push him into something more permanent he may freak out and walk away

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