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Original poster

Dating Thread 157 - Kitten or Smitten: Which bench are *you* on?

999 replies

MrDrummer · 28/04/2019 20:23

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3566658-Dating-Thread-156-It-is-hot-hot-hot

OP posts:
vwman · 28/04/2019 23:27

@falaff I would just say don't over invest emotionally at the moment because he hasn't, at the moment the future is tomorrow and that all there is between you, if you push him into something more permanent he may freak out and walk away

vwman · 28/04/2019 23:27

@falaff I would just say don't over invest emotionally at the moment because he hasn't, at the moment the future is tomorrow and that all there is between you, if you push him into something more permanent he may freak out and walk away

StarryUnicorn · 28/04/2019 23:30

Just checking in on the new thread, I have decided to take a big risk and officially put a name to Miss M, my 1st 1st date from last week, there is a tentative agreement for another, no date or time nailed down yet though.

These are all still first time experiences, so remain quite emotionally charged, I'm a bit concerned that I am dealing with this by maintaining emotionally distant to an extent, which is not going to work is it? Maybe I need to do a bit of good old fashioned over investing Grin

falaff · 28/04/2019 23:34

Yep @vwman you're right. Really hard though!

StealthNinjaMum · 29/04/2019 00:03

I have just started to read and got to the middle of page 2 and I had to say @falaff I would be really upset if I dtd with a guy and he left afterwards. I could understand if he had kids / babysitter to get to and had said in advance but if we just had sex and he then left I'm not sure I could cope with the feeling of rejection. I think you're right not to overinvest.

falaff · 29/04/2019 00:16

StealthNinjaMum yeah I was a bit upset and he noticed. But we talked about it and he reassured me that it was his issue with being introverted. Reading other people's replies has made me feel a bit better.

His interest in me is quite hard to figure out... When were together it's intense but then be won't reply to my texts for hours, which is hard to deal with especially if I know he's read it. That's OK, no one should feel like they have to respond immediately. But because I take a different approach its hard for me to not worry about it. I just need to chill with my needy/intense traits and not project my behaviour to other people. Just because they aren't the same as me but it doesn't mean they don't care.

But yep I need to be really careful with this guy or I could get hurt down the line I think.

I'm worried that I'm going away for the rest of the week and won't have chance to see him and it will fizzle out because he's so crap with texts. But that just means it's not meant to be or whatever.

MarcMyWords · 29/04/2019 00:20

Hi falaff, I absolutely get it - that was my pattern too. It was only after helping to wreck one dating relationship and nearly doing the same again with current relationship that I managed to calm down about not overinvesting or pushing her to see me more, which was creating anxiety in her. Funnily enough, now that I've stopped creating the pressure, she's the one sending me the randy lovey thoughts and wanting to see me twice as much as before.

So I'm definitely on the smitten bench, but sorry to hear the hard time some of you had recently. Hope you are all looking forward to a week of restorative self-indulgence, or meeting a better class of the opposite sex when swiping!

Original poster
MrDrummer · 29/04/2019 00:26

Just had a view on PoF from someone in Bristol (sadly advertising humpdate or similar)

I quote,
One of my passions is Tesla Coils.

Wow, I thought... you don't see that on a profile too often.

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 29/04/2019 00:29

A drawer, @shitwithsugaron? That is quite something 😆. And a washbag for Mr Wow, @ TooOldForThis67. MrSG has drawers and a wardrobe at mine these days. And he's even given DS2 a room at his house for when we stay there. And the talking about stuff like marriage, buying a bigger house together and (rather ridiculously given I'm 38) babies stage. I'm pretty sure only the first two are actual, serious discussions. 😂

Chain bathing is quite an activity, @supercali77. As responses to being on the kitten bench go, it seems fairly reasonable. It probably counts as self care and the worst thing I can think of resulting from it is quite wrinkled fingertips.

Could you not just jump Mr Climber, @falaff? If you know he likes you and you've realised you like him, it seems like a sensible course of action. And it would prevent over-investing elsewhere.

StealthNinjaMum · 29/04/2019 00:29

I agree with vwman four times. Grin

falaff · 29/04/2019 00:41

Crustaceans I've already fucked it up, he said the next time we saw each other (after I friend zoned him because I panicked) that he doesn't think its a good idea for us to date anyway. Also he's just crap with stuff, never replies and never initiates meeting up, so either he's protecting himself or he's still not interested in dating me or he's flaky... Not sure what's worse!

Still totally would though. But I don't want to lose him as a friend as I love spending time with him. He's so weird (love it) and flips between serious and goofy, it's very endearing. Not sure why I call him Mr Climber as everyone I've dated has been a climber. It's my thing I guess... they say you either date or make a climber!

JeSuisPrest · 29/04/2019 00:41

@MrDrummer I'm not ashamed to say I just had to Google that. I thought it was going to take me to Love Honey or similar. Nope 😳. Proper grown up stuff not mucky grown up stuff 😂

Original poster
MrDrummer · 29/04/2019 00:45

You've got to love this thread, @JeSuisPrest, from bean sauce to Tesla coils, we've got all covered!

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 29/04/2019 01:07

That's good news about the date @StarryUnicorn

I'm not the best person for advice on this (but wanted to comment before your post got lost in the thread) as I haven't dated many people but I wonder if I could stop myself over or underinvesting in dates. I would say just go with the flow, get to know the woman and see what feelings occur. Keep reporting back so someone with more experience than me can comment.

supercali77 · 29/04/2019 06:03

I'd be all over someone who liked tesla coils like a tramp on chips.

@crustaceans oooo! Proper serious discussions! Amazing! :)

supercali77 · 29/04/2019 06:16

@falaff how you feel about them, or how you communicate when apart....i think is a big part of dating. The mismatch can throw it off course, it has with me before....Mind if he's always been a slow texter and he initiates texts and dates the same as you I'd say it's just his way rather than anything to worry about. But yeah itd do my head in and I may be tempted to keep swiping.....i need natter between dates to keep the connection alive

WarIsPeace · 29/04/2019 06:23

Quite agree supercali we are in frequent contact and talk daily or almost daily on the phone (talky talking not messages) it all counts. My ExH is currently being a nob again and it's partly because I'm dating... It's much harder after kids and marriage etc isn't it Sad

vwman · 29/04/2019 06:30

StealthNinjaMum I just thought I would press my point home. How the hell can it post 4 times with the same time stamp?

supercali77 · 29/04/2019 06:32

@NestOfSwipers sorry to hear about this invisible bench situation! People on this thread are happy to check over profiles if you think that might help? Sometimes it can just be a couple of things to change and increase visibility. In fact I'm sure someone on here had accidentally switched one of their profiles to private once!

@Notcoolmum I'm ok thanks, just some decent wallowing time

Matchedandmuddled · 29/04/2019 07:10

Hi all, back again and still muddled! Saw Mr Italy last night for third time in a couple of weeks, went to his house for food, thankfully he lives just 5 minutes away, I have had three first dates with men who live over an hour away, I know it isn't romantic but location is key!

Mr Italy and I matched on Tinder about 3 weeks ago, I have had plenty of other dates and told him and he seemed shocked! Said since he matched with me he hasn't even looked, this is could be BS but I kinda believe him as he knew I wouldn't mind. Anyhow, he is now the third iron who dates one person at a time. I honestly thought that people had multiple irons until they have the chat and ask for exclusivity.

What are your thoughts re. dating more than one person at a time - I wouldn't want to lie to Mr Italy but I also have other irons I would like to see?

BatshitCrazyWoman · 29/04/2019 07:35

lifegoes you really don't want to be drawn into whatever the fuck is going on with those two - well done for blocking and finding your anger. The next stage is to find your indifference ... someone (MN?) told me that when dealing with people like him there's no point in Justifying, Arguing, Defending (yourself) or Explaining (JADE). Total non-engagement is the only way. He won't ever see/admit he's been an arse.

shitwith a drawer 😍😂

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 29/04/2019 07:37

shitwith got a drawer 🙌🙌🙌

Mr Wow a washbag!!

supercalli . I commiserate girlfriend I feel I have over boredom bathed as well this weekend 😂

What is the kitten bench?
A am on the don’t contact me, don’t fuck with me, all men are twats bench (may be nicotine related) a kitten wouldn’t come near me.

I know this is a q for style & beauty BUT I stopped smoking nearly 3 weeks ago and my skin had gone terrible. Why???

ponyprincess · 29/04/2019 07:48

So hard to date, work and keep up with the thread but will go off to try to do that!!

shitwithsugaron · 29/04/2019 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ponyprincess · 29/04/2019 07:49

My Saturday night ended in a Sunday morning 🥰