Was I a beard?

[Guardsman18]

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

It’s hard to ask questions when we don’t really know what you’re asking- is it about a partner/husband etc?

Are you asking about your current relationship or an ex?

Who are you referring to and what makes you think you might be a beard? I was one for 30 years and didn't know :-(

If you are talking about the thread I'm thinking of, they never had sex.

Thanks for replying. He's my husband, we've been separated for 10 years.

There were so many things that went on whilst together. I thought at one point I was going mad, making things up. We have contact because of the children.
I'm so sorry I started this because this is making me cry. I thought things were bad but this is awful.

If you can bear with me, I will be back to answer/ask more. Thank you

To some extent, I guess it’s in the past, so there’s not that much point making yourself feel miserable about it - but sending because I do understand it’s distressing

Has he gone on to have relationships with men? That’d be the key I suppose...?

Guardsman18 take your time - it's a horrid situation to come to terms with if this has happened to you. Do PM me if you prefer.

What makes you think he is gay?

Hey, it's ok to cry. Have you ever considered counselling? If this is still upsetting you to this degree 10 years on maybe you would benefit from finally working through this with an empathetic person who you trust that is impartial.

I just want you to know yo aren't alone right now

What's a beard?

Can someone tell me what beard stands for

"If you are talking about the thread I'm thinking of, they never had sex."

Is that the same thread as the one where they only saw each other once a week or a different one?

Incase anyone else was wondering what 'beard' meant I done a quick Google and the results came up as this

Meaning: Someone married to a gay person as a cover up. Explanation: A beard is an accessory often used to emphasise a man's masculinity. The gay slang term 'beard' can be thought of in much the same way since in this case, a woman is used as an accessory to emphasise the gay man's masculinity

Gwen yes, and she was adamant that they were very happy and are going to have children.
Except he liked to show her off to his family, then drop her straight off home.
OP I think you probably need counselling

If it's any help I wonder a bit about my exh. Ok so questions:
Did you have sex?
Was it what you think sex should be like or was it always a bit underwhelming?
Did he only like it from behind?
(That would be my experience)
Did he find you sexy? (Mine told me he found me répugnant when I was pregnant)

(Mine told me he found me répugnant when I was pregnant)

You poor woman, what a c*nt. It's things like these that make me appreciate the good points my do; his reaction to my growing bump was always amused, affectionate delight.

Op I take it you're divorced now? Are you in a new relationship yet?

It's quite hard to ask questions out of the blue; it might be easier if you day what it was that bothered you throughout the marriage - or what is was you recognised in the other thread.

You've also got to question their motives.
If they've deliberately used a woman whilst knowing they are gay but spinning her the usual lines, for their own purpose, then that is very different to the confused person trying to deny their sexuality to themselves in order to be "normal", then later realising that they can't continue living "this lie".

The latter you have to feel a bit sorry for. They've not set out to hurt or deceive, even if that is the end result.

Qweenbee The latter you have to feel a bit sorry for - I'm sorry but having been deceived for the whole of my 30 year marriage I can't agree.

My GXH knew he had feelings for his own sex when he was in junior school, he told me when we split up. He (like many other gay men in denial) married under false pretences then acted like Jekyll and Hyde.

I had no idea he was in a relationship with his best mate for six years before he admitted the truth and we split up. Our two daughters were then in their 20s and had no problem with his being gay but could not come to terms with his constant lies and deceit. TBH neither can I.

Thank you so much for you replies. I don't know where to start. It could be me who is unstable which is what he would say.

Bit of background - he was a friend for many years, came to my first wedding. In hindsight (marvellous thing!) I could be accused of not seeing things as they were. However, I genuinely thought he loved me. That's what is hurting the most i think funnily enough.

No, he didn't find me sexy - other people have. I just feel I should have known. I was much younger then though. Our son was conceived one morning in 1999 - I even remember the date - how sad is that?

Whilst we were a 'couple', he never wanted to include me in anything and I thought that was odd. I honestly didn't understand why.

Over the years I feel that everything he's done has been playing the long game if that makes sense. That could be paranoia on my part. I don't know.

Our son is now 18, nearly 19 and they are like partners. They do everything we/couples do without sex - which he was never interested in anyway. I wish i could see their relationship as a lovely father and son thing, but I can't/don't.

This is so painful. I think you're right about the fact that I need counselling.

Our son was conceived one morning in 1999 - I even remember the date - how sad is that?

Because sex was so rare?

Whilst we were a 'couple', he never wanted to include me in anything and I thought that was odd. I honestly didn't understand why.

Examples?

That does sound very odd.

Our son is now 18, nearly 19 and they are like partners. They do everything we/couples do without sex - which he was never interested in anyway. I wish i could see their relationship as a lovely father and son thing, but I can't/don't.

This is quite disturbing.

Do you suspect he's gay but also has an unhealthy/emotionally incestuous relationship with your son? (One sided, obviously). Do you feel he's groomed him?

You sound like you think we're judging you, I for one am not.

It sounds like he's find a number on you and you think everyone will automatically think you're strange/wrong. I can only speak for yourself but I don't and won't.

• done a number on you

Not much sex, just that one morning.

Thank you so much for not judging me.

Just that people would invite us out and he'd go alone. They must have thought I didn't like them!

I remember going to one of his friends birthdays (probably took me as it was a couples thing), it was loads of his old school friends. When we got home and in bed (we'd had a bit to drink) he showed me the size of his penis (sorry if people think my choice of words is strange - not feeling it at the moment).

It wasn't for us to enjoy. It had never been so huge, ever. I thought it was odd. Maybe I am bonkers.

He would never come out as gay - ever. Very down on women (sneers, laughs etc as my son does now). I think they're relationship is peculiar, yes. I don't feel I can change it now. I would be locked up if I tried to insinuate that anything was unhealthy between them.

I rang an Aunt of his last year to say a little of my concerns. I didn't hear anything back after she said she'd ring me and now their family don't speak to me. It took me a while to realise tbh.

This is all coming out as being about my son now and it started as my realisation of how I was used. He must have seen me coming. I was beautiful, financially secure and lovely.

I'm not now. I'm so hurt