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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I a beard?

180 replies

Guardsman18 · 26/04/2019 18:08

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 13:34

Thank you for your kind words. It makes me feel healthier (mentally) just reading someone else's view on things. I haven't even mentioned very much at all believe it or not!

To be honest, I think he saw me coming. He's known me a long time. Very abusive marriage, no children. He seemed a good friend through all the bad times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 13:42

I just want to get away but don't feel I want to 'abandon' son as that is what it feels like. Dad knows this I think.

I want to be more emotionally healthy if that's a proper phrase before I do anything.

When I saw a solicitor many years back, he was asked for full disclosure. He's a self employed chartered accountant - what hope did I have?

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:55

You don't have to do anything til you feel ready.

Sounds like getting a good counsellor and maintaining a good relationship with your son (I think things may get choppy in that direction as your son gets older, maybe gets a girlfriend, maybe goes to uni etc. His father won't have such a relatively easy time controlling him) so you can help him.

Also you should just enjoy and appreciate your life away from that weirdo; build up your hobbies, interests, groups, travel etc if you dont already.
If would be great for you to experience a decent relationship sone time after a first abusive marriage and the weirdness that your ex inflicted on you.

There are a lot of self employed people who get divorced and I'm sure divorce soliticitors have an idea of what they get up to; getting a very good one on board on the not too distant future and discussing options seems like a good idea.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:56

There were an awful lot of 'goods' in that post, sorry.

Mentalray · 02/05/2019 03:04

I know it's been a few days since the last post. Not sure if you will read this.

I think Morality is correct about a lot of things.

I don't know much about divorce as have only gone through separation myself but I hope you can focus on yourself and making you happy. Even if you had a perfect relationship with your son he could still marry and get involved with his own things and sort of 'ignore' you. He will learn eventually what his dad is like as well. Although it may take some time.

Focus on yourself and maybe some good thing will come to you!! You sound like you deserve some good things.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 02/05/2019 12:01

I'm still here reading and digesting!

One thing that one of you posted which has helped (I don't know why), well a few things actually, is that it was never a fully functioning adult relationship anyway. Tbh I haven't even mentioned that much and it would seem that my instinct was right. That means a lot to me.

I have for years felt a bit sorry for myself (at low times) in a why, oh why has everything gone wrong for me. I read on mn a few days ago that people who have weak boundaries and low self esteem, don't see the red flags that others might. I can really relate to that and it helps make sense of things.

OP posts:
TheGrapefulDread · 02/05/2019 12:39

Go for counselling, wait for new divorce rules to come into force - you’ve waited this long, employ a SHL ( shit hot lawyer ) with a forensic accountant during divorce. Wishing you every good fortune moving forwards emotionally and physically. Don’t forget to erase your history on the computer if it’s appropriate.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 02/05/2019 12:46

I am looking for a counsellor or psychotherapist. I think it would help me move on.

Can I ask @TheGrapefulDread what new divorce rules? Are they googleable?

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Original poster
Guardsman18 · 02/05/2019 17:56

Thank you. Not sure it's relevant to me though as we've lived apart for 10 years. Why would I need to delete my history?

For anyone who's still reading, I had a look at therapists and one of the school mum's came up on there!

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 03/05/2019 08:57

Just try to maintain a good relationship with your son. Don't put his father down but perhaps ask a few casual, thought provoking questions in general conversation. He has to come to his own conclusions but you could surreptitiously help him reach them by asking a few benign questions or wondering about your own relationships in context of how to meet a good man in your hypothetical future.

Make him confident in knowing that you will always be there for him in a non judgemental way, for any issues in his life.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 14:45

Hi. Is anyone still around please?

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Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 14:48

Not just anyone obviously. I mean pp!

OP posts:
sunshinesupermum · 29/05/2019 14:55

Yes Guardsman18 how are things?

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/05/2019 15:12

Hi how's it been going?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 15:30

Hi sunshinessupermum. I did pm you but as I didn't tell you on here I guess you didn't see it! It was a strange thing I asked in hindsight but I think it was an opener if you know what I mean. Hope you do.

Not a great deal has changed apart from my interactions with ex. In that, I don't deal with him and get boys to talk to him when he tries to involve me. Little steps.

Pp asked me things that at the time - well, I just couldn't type quickly enough tbh. It still makes me cry when I read (which I did earlier) my post and your replies. I still think he's potty and strange and soon there will be a few obstacles because son is talking about getting a different job soon. I'm inclined to just let them get on with it because anything I've said in the past has been dismissed. I mustn't think like that though, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 15:33

Thank you Redshoe. Just feel a bit alone today and not sure how to move on.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 29/05/2019 16:01

Not a great deal has changed apart from my interactions with ex. In that, I don't deal with him and get boys to talk to him when he tries to involve me. Little steps.

Sounds like progress. Good progress.

So you have another son, is he from your first marriage or is he also your 2nd husband's? Does he act the same toward him or had he got a "favourite"?

That's good news that the son he's got working for him is maybe striking out on his own as well - I realky hope he gets away from him as he becomes a 'proper' adult, it sounds like an incredibly unhealthy dynamic he'd foisted on him since babyhood.

Moralitym1n1 · 29/05/2019 16:01

*has

Moralitym1n1 · 29/05/2019 16:03

Do you have many hobbies op? Have you tried meetup groups for anything that interests you. Are you into walking/hiking? There are some active walking/hiking groups near me and it seems like a gear hobby for exercise, getting out and about and also for company/chatting/social aspect.

Moralitym1n1 · 29/05/2019 16:10

*great

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/05/2019 17:44

I think your son changing jobs is a great idea.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 17:55

Youngest son was adopted at 9 months. I've made such a mess although he is a very loved boy.

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Original poster
Guardsman18 · 29/05/2019 17:56

Am looking at Psychotherapists atm. How do you choose?!

OP posts:
minmooch · 29/05/2019 18:18

Oh op I feel for you. Please talk on here as much as you can.

I don't know if I have the right words to advise you but seeking professional help would be a fantastic way to start your healing. By finding a counsellor then you are starting to take control of your life.

At some point you will find a way ( with help) of accepting that this was your life. But it is in the past. You will one day find a way to not allow this man and his treatment of you to define the rest of your life.

In some respect whether he is gay or not does not necessarily matter as you may never know for sure. What matters is how you live your life from here on in. A good counsellor will help you find a way to put your past in a place that you can live with and move forward on from.

I have no words of advice with regards your worries about your son and his relationship with his dad. Someone professional needs to help you with that.

You have had a terrible time. You deserve happiness. ThanksThanks