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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I a beard?

180 replies

Guardsman18 · 26/04/2019 18:08

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 15/06/2019 15:37

He hasn't got there yet Mr Pips! Having had good advice from people on here, I was able to have a chat to him earlier about things that had happened in the past with his Dad.

I posted to ask advice before he got up but dealt with it before anyone replied. Being on here has given me the confidence to speak in an adult manner (I know that sounds ridiculous but I normally cry with frustration!).

Thank you @Mortalitym1m

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 15/06/2019 18:54

@Mortalitym1n1 even! Oh dear!

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 18:56

I'm so glad you've been able to talk to your eldest about his Dad,; and so glad this thread is helping.

What is your ex suggesting exactly? That he goes on the trip with your son and his friends?!

Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 18:57

It's alright, that's happened many times with my username Grin

Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 18:59

Or is it just the journey to the holiday destination he wants to go on? Confused.

Wauden · 15/06/2019 19:19

Surely it is not normal for a man to want to accompany his son and son's friends on holiday as the only adult...Hmm

Guardsman18 · 15/06/2019 20:54

Who knows his agenda? When son was younger, he could shout and 'throw his weight about'. Son said mum I have never seen dad that upset. He's really worried. I feel it's a new way. I sound very negative I know but I was God

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 15/06/2019 20:59

Sorry. New tablet! God is not what I meant to post!

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 15/06/2019 21:09

Of course it's not normal @Wauden.

I meant to say that I was good earlier and gave sound advice to son.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 21:58

Son said mum I have never seen dad that upset. He's really worried. I feel it's a new way.

You mean your ex was (or acted) really upset and worried at the prospect of your son going on a holiday with friends?

So weird and manipulative.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 22:08

It's so good that you're there for your son and that you can talk to him about this.

I imagine it could be v difficult for your poor son, with the years of conditioning your ex had done with him (and of course he loves and cares about his father) to acknowledge what he's like .. however, with a light touch from you, I think he will begin to. Independence, friends and maybe a girlfriend will throw a spotlight on your ex's behaviour in a way that hasn't happened to date because he was too young.

Moralitym1n1 · 15/06/2019 22:15

I suppose you have to support your son and gently point out his father's behaviour is not normal ... while not being too bluntly critical of your ex; which might alienate your son, make him go on the defence for his dad, think that you're bringing personal dislike or bitterness into it etc.etc.

In time you'll probably be able to more upfront.

user1497997754 · 15/06/2019 23:29

You need to divorce your husband and start a new life asap....go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling you only have one life and yours is miserable x

Guardsman18 · 15/11/2021 14:54

Anyone still watching?

OP posts:
Nevercloser · 15/11/2021 18:01

Just read the whole thread and was hoping the recent post was you. How are you getting on ?
I sincerely hope your life has improved.
X

VirgilStarkwell · 15/11/2021 18:39

How are things OP?

beastlyslumber · 15/11/2021 19:06

I've just read the thread, OP. How are you?

SmokedGlass · 15/11/2021 22:12

Ive just read through your post too OP
Has your life improved over the last two years? I hope so, you sounded so sad and worn down

Guardsman18 · 21/11/2021 14:33

Oh dear. I thought I had removed my last post as I'd had second thoughts. I was feeling very low about things. I have only just seen the replies.

Things are pretty much the same regarding son and father. I really don't think there is much I can do other than what I was advised to do. I am always here for him in what I consider to be a 'mum role', I don't criticise his father or son for doing as he says. I keep ex at a distance which he thinks is odd (no changes there) but I am just so sorry that I allowed myself to be used like this.

I think I know now that the beard thing was real and true and pp's helped me so much to come to terms with that. That's a positive for me.

One really, really positive thing is that our younger son (17 now) is becoming a lovely young man with his own mind and rolls his eyes at his father when he starts moaning and groaning about something. He has trouble standing up for himself sometimes and I intervene but not always. I am so proud of him. (For other things too, not just that.)

I still find son and father a bit like a couple if that makes sense? Stopped him going to Uni - that was heart breaking to watch - keeping same job that is unsuitable really. Oh it's all odd to me. I'm rambling now and sorry for that.

I'm not sure what I'm asking for - if anything - but thanks for being there.

OP posts:
Guardsman18 · 21/11/2021 14:38

Father didn't go on the holiday, accompanied him on the journey, spent a week on his own and then travelled back with him. All the other people were flying out but as his father has made him terrified of flying, son went by train and boat. Maybe I'm being unfair there - I just don't trust him. I could go on and on and on but not sure that would help anyone.

Maybe I am mad!

OP posts:
MaryStuart · 21/11/2021 15:25

I don’t think you’re mad Op.
I think your ex (are you divorced yet, or still separated?) is quite frankly nuts.
Who on earth suggests accompanying their child on holiday with them and their friends. That is not normal behaviour.
Let alone what you experienced.
Did you ever find a counsellor?

Guardsman18 · 21/11/2021 15:54

I did look @MaryStuart. I looked again yesterday and found someone I think could help me. Loads of experience etc. Money is a bit tight at the moment but we'll see.

Thanks for saying that you don't think I'm mad x

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 21/11/2021 16:29

You don't sound mad at all to me. Your ex sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Everything you say makes perfect sense. Glad your son's doing a bit better too. I hope you find someone who's able to talk all this through with you.

Allsortsofroses · 21/11/2021 19:47

One really, really positive thing is that our younger son (17 now) is becoming a lovely young man with his own mind and rolls his eyes at his father when he starts moaning and groaning about something.

That's great.

I still find son and father a bit like a couple if that makes sense? Stopped him going to Uni - that was heart breaking to watch - keeping same job that is unsuitable really.

That's shit.

Do you think you son would go for counselling or would would simply not see that there's any reason for it?

Father didn't go on the holiday, accompanied him on the journey, spent a week on his own and then travelled back with him. All the other people were flying out but as his father has made him terrified of flying, son went by train and boat.

Your son tried to go on a holiday with mates/peers and his Dad went went the same place at the same time, stayed in his own separately and travelled wity your son (so your son didn't travel with the rest of the group)?????

He is such a fkg weird, inappropriate, cling on of a ..... I fint even know how to describe him.

Your poor son.

He sounds like he's brain washed him to not even question how odd all that is.

How old is the son, late teens?

Hopefully he'll start to question and break away as he geds older.

This is going tk be a major clash/problem when he gets a gf (or bf).

Your ex may or may not be gay, but he sounds like he does does thing ... there's a word for it, where they substitute their child for a partner.

He also sounds very domineering, controlling and weird about your son. It's so creepy and unhealthy sounding.

Allsortsofroses · 21/11/2021 19:49

Covering invest/emotional incest; that's the phrase I was looking for.