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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I a beard?

180 replies

Guardsman18 · 26/04/2019 18:08

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 13:50

So you had sex once (or not much more than once) during your relationship? How long were you together?

And he hardly ever went out with you, or did stuff with you. Socialised on his own if he could.

Re the party, you think he was turned on by the males there (old school friends)?

If you feel the relationship with your son is peculiar,not very likely is; especially given the rest of what you described; it was nothing approaching a normal, functional adult relationship. No sex and excluded you from the vast majority of socialising he did.

As to his aunt, well she's his aunt (not yours) and is very unlikely to want to hear or get into anything disturbing & uncomfortable about him (unless she's an exceptional person). Also in general, many people will shy away from something like that. They don't want to discuss uncomfortable things, they don't want to open a can of worms.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 13:51
  • then very likely it is
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 14:05

Yes you're right Morality. I have done a very foolish thing. It's happened now and now I'm trying to get over it.

Re the Aunt it was more about not allowing son freedom etc. Keeping him close. He's even got him working for him for much more than he would get as an apprentice for example.

Thank you for being so kind. I just need to get on with it I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 14:09

That has struck a chord - it wasn't a fully functioning adult relationship.

i like that and that is really helpful to me. To enable me to move on.

Remember that I thought he loved me, really loved me for what I was/am and that really hurts that it was all bollocks

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 27/04/2019 14:12

I'm really confused. Are you saying your husband is gay/asexual or that you are? I think it's that you feel your husband is.

In that case, it's possible that you were unwittingly drawn into a marriage of convenience. If that is the case than that is horrific and yes, you would probably benefit from the right therapist.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 14:12

Oh and yes I do think he was turned on by the people at the party

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 14:15

As mentioned by Morality - it was obviously not a fully functioning relationship.

I just need to move on and this helping. Thank you.

Where oh where do I find that therapist?

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 14:17

I think I would say he was a covert narcissist rather than jump to the 'he is gay' conclusion.

Covert narcissists often withhold sex (and affection) as a means of control/making you feel unloved. They may even make you feel as if you are weird or sexually deviant for desiring a sex life. Or that you are clingy or overbearing to desire basic compassion and affection from them.

They also often have parts of their lives that they keep separate from you. Eg: they may know all your friends and family but keep their friends separate, claiming they need to have some things sperate of you so as not to be 'stifled'.

I definitely wouldn't assume gay based upon what you have told us, but judging by some things you've said and the fact that it is still upsetting you, years later I would hazard a guess you were with a narcissist.

HollowTalk · 27/04/2019 14:22

I am really worried about his relationship with your son. What kind of relationship do you think you would have with your son if you got divorced?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:27

I have done a very foolish thing. It's happened now and now I'm trying to get over it.

Do you mean in marrying him? Having a child with him?

My goodness, don't be so hard on yourself - you thought he was interested in a normal relationship with you, most people would. It sounds like you were recently divorced/ coping with the breakdown of your first marriage so he also got you at a vulnerable time.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:30

Covert narcissists often withhold sex (and affection) as a means of control/making you feel unloved. They may even make you feel as if you are weird or sexually deviant for desiring a sex life.

Surely not to that extreme an extent? It sounds like they only had sex once (in how long together, op?).

To me he sounds gay or asexual.
There wax the weird behaviour after the party with ex school friends .. op seems to have said it was rare for him to have s proper erection like that. If sounds like he didn't normally have one, or much of one, with her.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:30

*was

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:31

*It

Circlegame · 27/04/2019 14:34

Why have you not divorced?

Teddybear45 · 27/04/2019 14:36

He might be asexual (and aromantic) but not have realised it. A lot of sexualities are only getting names / labels now. I think Op you need to divorce if you haven’t already (you don’t need his permission for this) and try to move past it. His sexuality has nothing to do with you.

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 14:37

Surely not to that extreme an extent? It sounds like they only had sex once (in how long together, op?).

Of course. Some narcissists have no interest in sex at all other than as a means of control (others of course value it as supply, but often the more covert ones tend towards celibacy, at least once they 'have' you).

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:45

@tea you've missed my pint about his behaviour (and for op, out of character sexual arousal) on Cong home from the party with his old school friends.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:45

*point
*Coming home

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:49

Where oh where do I find that therapist?

I haven't seen myself (yet! Wink) so I don't know but perhaps someone can advise on how to find a good, legitimate therapist.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 14:51

Where do I start? He can be whatever he wants to be. Not mine to sort out now.

I have guilt for allowing my son to be treated the way he has been. I got sick of hearing - oh they're like two peas in a pod, they're so close. I can only hope that he'll be ok. He's happy, caring, handsome, clever and he does go out with friends - when he's ok'd it with his dad. I have tried to talk to both of them about it but they just shout me down.

I am probably not being very clear and I apologise for that. It's just that I can only type as I do. The whole thing is just a mess.

Son is an adult now I guess so there's only so much I can do. I am just here for him when he wants me.

I do need to get divorced i know. As I said, i always thought he loved me for me and the realisation that that wasn't/isn't true - well, it just hurts.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:52

Re the Aunt it was more about not allowing son freedom etc. Keeping him close. He's even got him working for him for much more than he would get as an apprentice for example.

So you didn't even really mention the emotional side and she still shut you down/ostracised you over it.

They should be concerned too about a father curtailing his sons freedom and independence, but clearly theyd rather minimise it and not have to think about it or deal with it. Does your son live with him too?

Renarde1975 · 27/04/2019 14:53

I'm glad it's helping OP.

I write a lot about NPD. I don't yet see anything in the OP that suggests he is however, he could very well be. More information is required.

I dont really agree with all of this covert narc business tbh. Pretty much all narcs operate in silence. The reason being is that they themselves don't know what they are.

It is entirely possible that he is a grey or even gay/bi. However, the 'binding' of your son to him is also highly suggestive that he is using your son as what H G Tudor would say, a NIPS. A non intimate primary source. This is extremly unhealthy for your son.

As other PP have said, sex and narcissism dont always go hand in hand. There are some, the 'Cerebrals' and to an extent the 'Victims' who utterly abhor the act although they can talk a very good game.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 14:54

I am just here for him when he wants me.

That's all you can do. Keep the relationship going with him so if your son does come to some realisation that his dad is controlling/unhealthily attached etc he can speak to you in future.

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 15:00

@tea you've missed my pint about his behaviour (and for op, out of character sexual arousal) on Cong home from the party with his old school friends. They can get aroused, they aren't robots (technically xD). And new people and new experiences ect...it's a possibility.

Also op says he is condescending towards women...and his aunty seems a bit overbearing...? I think those could further point to npd (running in the fam perhaps). But yeah, defo required more info to know. But I'd still say it's more likely than him being gay.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:03

How on earth can I undo years and years of 'grooming' bonding whatever we call it?

His address is here- recently found out that dad does that so that if he wants to go to college, he will get a better grant as I am the lower earner. The long game. I had no idea that that was the reason.

OP posts:
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