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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I a beard?

180 replies

Guardsman18 · 26/04/2019 18:08

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

OP posts:
Mentalray · 27/04/2019 15:07

OP I know how you feel. I had a similar situation, married a long time, sex so infrequent you know what night your children were conceived, being kept separate from his friends....I had often wondered the same thing, whether my younger years were wasted as a beard or just as a box tick. There was romancing to get me to marry him and then nothing from basically the honeymoon!

The trouble is unless your ex gets together with a man you will never know and it leaves you with a feeling of unfinished business maybe?

This type of men never show their cards.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:07

HollowTalk - I don't think I'd see my son much if I divorced and moved house. so sad

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 27/04/2019 15:11

Ahh now the address thing is very significant. It shows he is calculating and manipulative.

I'm now tending towards NPD

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:14

What is NPD? Not that I'm bothered about a title for him. It can be dickhead if you like!

To a pp who mentioned how unhealthy this is for my son. I know. I feel awful about it

OP posts:
Mentalray · 27/04/2019 15:17

When you were together was family time just about your son? LIke you were the third wheel?

I found I always felt like the 'nanny' or the 'help'. So although xh heaped affection on the children I got none.

Was it sort of like that?

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 15:17

Narcissistic personality disorder. And it's definitely relevant if you are raising a child with him/intending to get free of him ect…

I'd say it might be worth doing a little reading up on it, couldn't harm to arm yourself just incase (and remember they don't have to have all the traits to have the disorder).

He may well just be a dickhead of course xD

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:19

Calculating and manipulative! I think he knows what he's doing. I feel that that is another matter. He's a self employed accountant - could it be worse?!

My head feels like it's going to explode but I'm very grateful to you for replying

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:23

Exactly like that Mentalray x

OP posts:
Mentalray · 27/04/2019 15:29

I wax and wane between wondering if my x was NPD or gay. As far as I know he's not starting seeing anyone else, but if he did would probably keep it hidden (even from DCs who visit his place sometimes).

You feel like you never truly knew them? It's a very weird thing.

Mentalray · 27/04/2019 15:30

I don't have much advice. Just commiserations!

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:37

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 15:46

So sorry if you've all moved on but just wanted to say that I know that sons relationship with his dad is unhealthy.

I just don't know that I can undo it now

OP posts:
TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 15:54

Well, I guess now your child together is relatively grown at least that means you wont have much to do with his father anymore (apart from maybe negotiating any uni payments).

Don't kick yourself for what has been. Start afresh older and wiser (and free at last).

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 27/04/2019 16:02

You're right Tea. I just feel so hurt and a bit broken

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 17:59

They can get aroused, they aren't robots (technically xD). And new people and new experiences ect...it's a possibility.

My point wasn't about whether he could become sexually aroused, but the circumstances.op said he was more sexually aroused then than ever with her.

It wasn't strictly a new experience or people; they were his old school friends.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:12

Op who knows how he felt it didn't feel for you. And if he didn't feel anything, that's his fault/issue, not yours.

And who knows whether he's asexual, gay, severely narcissistic or any combination (!)

What matters is that you got shot of him 10 years ago and that you maintain and build a good relationship with your son

You are a good enough and smart enough person to have person to have recognised that there's something unhealthy about his relationship with him and to want to help him.

What about dating, a potential relationship with a real man (sorry, couldn't help that!) for yourself in future? I have friends and relatives who met men 'later' in life and are happy.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:13

Sorry about the typos, not sure what happened there.

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 18:14

By new I meant 'not current supply' (aka main source being her).

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:20

*felt or didn't

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:23

Tea, I think you're do fixated on the NPD theory that you may be in danger of making everything fit - reality is, we don't know. Not much point in armchair psychology.

Bottom line is his behaviour isn't normal for a heterosexual, functioning adult - either toward his former wife (I know they're not divorced yet but ..) or his son.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 18:24

*so

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 19:21

Not really, I've said there isn't enough info to be sure. I was done talking about it but you brought it up again.

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 19:25

Sorry that sounded a bit petulant. Clearly need my tea.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 19:34

After 6pm? You'll be up all night! Wink

(Unless it's caffeine free obviously).

TeaForTheWin · 27/04/2019 19:39

I think I'm immune by now, been drinking about 6 cups of it a day since I was 4 xD