Was I a beard?

[Guardsman18]

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

Thank you minmooch for what you have posted. I believe you're right. I just need to come to terms with things, stop being bitter and upset about things that I can't change.

I will keep posting as you advised as I find it really helpful. Each time I post something though, I feel guilt - as in - well, that's not really fair Guards, that isn't quite the truth etc. I do have to say though that my first posts were from my heart and gut.

It's why I asked posters to ask me things as opposed to me rambling on and then when they did, I didn't answer individually.

It's time to heal now.

Sorry. I just realised that that sounded unnecessarily dramatic!

Don't apologise OP, this is your thread for you to say freely how you feel.

Thank you Queen. It's just that posters get annoyed sometimes when you don't mention everything. I found that hard and still do a bit. I need two voices!

I am trying to trust my instinct but when I do I just feel guilt. I appreciate that that is part of my problem and it needs to be addressed.
It's a weird thing but tell me if this off the wall ok? Lately, things have shifted. I'm not arrogant enough to believe it's all down to me. I do however believe in ripples and behaviour changing other people.

God, I hope this makes sense. The past few weeks, younger son (14) has started to want to see his Dad more. Now he's always done the bare minimum because it hasn't been as easy a relationship as he has with birth son. I guess he's a decent bloke and knows that he has to step up a bit. Youngest son has now been out of my house since 3.30 pm yesterday. Unheard of - almost 24 hours!

Oh. Forget that. He's sent him back! Apologies if this sounds disjointed. Maybe I am bloody mad! I just know Dad has had enough! Or maybe I'm a cow

I maybe a bitter woman who sees bad in everything he does! Big confession - I even think he agreed to the adoption so that my focus would be taken off birth son with younger son.

There I've said it. Am I mad?

You are not mad. I think the scales are rapidly falling from your eyes and you are now more able to voice your fears/thoughts. And that's a great thing, albeit painful.

Put all your rambling thoughts down. Soon they will get more ordered (if you want or even need them to). Being able to voice your thoughts will give you power. Do not feel guilty for what you think/write. Use this space to free your mind a little.

I've had very different but traumatic things happen in my life. To be able to express my thoughts - here anonymously, with friends, and through counselling has helped me enormously. I will never get over my events but I am now able to move forwards with love and laughter in my life.

You need to help yourself. And with that will come strength. With that strength you will be able to help steer your children along their paths.

I know it's not a competition but you sound so much further along the road than I am. I'm a firm believer in little steps though and to every poster that has replied to me - well, I'm very grateful.

Just hope I don't get on everyone's nerves!

Thank you @minmooch. You did mention that I should post here any time I needed/wanted to. It really helps me.

Hi, just thinking that your H has run you down over the years and said bad things about you. I noticed that you also run yourself down, probably as a result of years of this treatment. Eg he said that you were mad and you also say that you are, because it's been said often by him. That said I know its possible to come out of the habit of internalizing that. Good luck as you move forward from the abuse, and it sounds like that is happening.

I dare say you're right @Wauden. (I don't know how to bold things etc!)

Someone asked me the other day whether I was interested in having a close relationship with anyone. I am not saying this to get people's pity - it's more to put it down there really so I can move on. I can feel a shift.

I have been kicked, shouted at, screamed at, spat at, beaten up, hair pulled out and swung around the room. Hot coffee thrown at me, pushed, shoved . I did save my teeth though as I begged.

Am mentioning this - I never have before - to let it go now. It's in the past. I was that girl but I am a woman now and that is gone. It's what happened but it shouldn't be a part of me anymore. Thank you x

I second the idea of counselling. But do be careful who you find to talk to, you don't want to replicate that dynamic.

Just hope I don't get on everyone's nerves! You aren't irritating anyone here. You are not mad and you have some insight into the situation. That always irritates them - its not that you are irritating. Its that you have the power to expose them and they hate that.

Counselling helped me and as a PP said, you can shop around for one who suits you. For example I preferred a down to earth one who gave practical tips as well.
Can you challenge your DS when he sneers at women, etc?
And you aren't mad or irritating. H is the problem.

just thinking that your H has run you down over the years and said bad things about you. I noticed that you also run yourself down, probably as a result of years of this treatment. Eg he said that you were mad and you also say that you are, because it's been said often by him. flowers That said I know its possible to come out of the habit of internalizing that.

100% agree.

And it was easy for him to do following an extremely abusive first husband. No doubt he seemed good in comparison but unfortunately he was/is another type of abuser.

Have you ever had counselling about your first marriage op l? Sounds like a good place to start before trying to unravel the weirdness of your second husband. From your description, there is something so off about him, it give me the creeps.

Can you challenge your DS when he sneers at women, etc?

I've got to wonder what the point would be; op is thankfully no longer living with him and says she is minimising contact now as well.

She could challenge her eldest son when he repeats the derogatory stuff, in a way that does not alienate him.

Op. The bacp website is a good place to start looking for a counsellor.
If you want to look back in your life go for a psychodynamic modality. Looks at drives/defense mechanisms and early stages of life.
If you want to focus on the here and now look for person centred / humanistic. They can provide empathy and be congruent.

I have read this for the first time just now and I am really worried about your son. It does not sound healthy at all, and it sounds similar to a situation I know about except that the mother realised very early on and stopped them being alone together, and stopped the other abusive behaviour such as put downs of her. I have mainly just read your posts, OP. I think you need to assume that you aren't mad, at all, and that you need to find out about grooming. I would be doing anything I could to find out exactly what was going on before i paid attention to my own feelings.
18/19 is still very young. Start by googling but I think you would need some expert help, so you need to find someone in real life who has experience about this sort of thing. It sounds crazy to people who have not experienced it. It is firing out red flags to anyone who has.

*I even think he agreed to the adoption so that my focus would be taken off birth son with younger son.

There I've said it. Am I mad?*

From what I've read about his behaviour towards your eldest son from when he was a very young child up til now ... No, you're not mad. It's possible.

Besides you're so used to questioning yourself and wondering if you're mad,big you're wrong - because that's what he's been telling you (and your sons) since you married him. He's a real nasty, head-f*cking piece of work. Abusive, gas-lighting etc. And he took advantage of you being vulnerable and battered (literally as well as emotionally) from your first marriage.

You keep saying you've made a mess etc. - you haven't. You went into a marriage in good faith and had a child (and adopted another) in good faith, thinking you'd found a good partner in a long term friend/acquaintance. And as an accountant he must've seemed stable, sensible etc.

You put up with his behaviour during the marriage because (it sounds like) you had little relationship experience, and what you did have was severely abusive. And also because you lacked self confidence, something your ex made sure to reinforce at every turn.
You haven't done anything wrong, you haven't made a mess of things. You sound like a good person.

You can recover now, work through it, and enjoy your life.

Out of interest, did you decide to adopt your second son because of fertility problems (one of them being your ex's lack of interest in ever having sex!) or altruism or ..?

Also his regularly telling you and your son that you're mad, bad, bipolar etc.- being derogatory, maligninf and undermining you ... Funny how it fits in the wider context of his attitude towards women. An attitude he's tried to pass on to your eldest son (and maybe the younger?). He's a misogynist. I suppose being self employed is very handy for getting away with that, imagine if he came out with that stuff in a normal/corporate work environment, imagine him having to treat s woman with respect or even deference (!)

Have read all your posts a number of times. So much food for thought.

It is helping I must say. Thank you.

I don't understand how pp can say that I need professional help with eldest son and yet I can manage it. I won't be able to help him if I'm not in a good place myself. If I said we were going to have therapy, I'd be laughed out of the room - not sure I agree either.

Can only repeat that I feel a shift. It's a small thing but eldest son mentioned how his Dad is still sleeping on a small mattress in his room. I said - he's a bit lazy and tight with money isn't he? He agreed that he was. That sounds such a small thing, but i have never been able to say a bad word about him in the past.

I see my son every day and when he has done his exams I intend to tell him that I can/will help him find a job/career he might enjoy.

@Mortalitym1n1 you are so right. He would have no idea how to conduct himself in a firm of accountants. Probably why he set up on his own! Jeepers - I could go on all night!

Is anyone able to give me some advice please? Thanks

Hope you are ok, feeling stronger? I may not be able to give you any advice but am here.

Same here.

Hi MrPips. Thanks for replying. I have been feeling a lot better and had some faith that things were going in the right direction for my son. Until yesterday.

You couldn't make it up I swear! Son is going on holiday soon. First time with friends. Dad wants to go with him on the journey! A

It's really positive that your son is going on holiday with friends. I very much doubt he'll want his Dad to chaperone him. Fingers crossed that this is a start to becoming independent from Dad.