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Original poster

Was I a beard?

180 replies

Guardsman18 · 26/04/2019 18:08

This is probably going to sound strange. A Pp said about her BF and people commented that he may be asexual or gay.

I am so upset because I can see (I think) that is what I've been for all these years.

If anyone has the time or inclination, would you ask me questions and then I'll answer? I want to be wrong. It's not an ama honest. I'm so sad.
Thank you

OP posts:
Haffiana · 27/04/2019 19:55

OP, I am feeling a huge disconnect between you and your son. What is your relationship like with your son?

Why do you feel jealous of his relationship with his father, exactly? You say they do things together, enjoy each other's company. Whilst I hear you that you and your DH did not do things together, why does that make it somehow suspicious and unhealthy that a father and son might genuinely love each other and have a great relationship? Both my sons had a spell of working for their father at exactly that age, 17-19. At that age they still very much look up to their father.

You mention 'children'. What other children are there, and what is their relationship with their father?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 20:20

@Haffiana

Our son is now 18, nearly 19 and they are like partners. They do everything we/couples do without sex - which he was never interested in anyway..

.. he does go out with friends - when he's ok'd it with his dad

.. it was more about not allowing son freedom etc. Keeping him close.

Very down on women (sneers, laughs etc as my son does now).

None of that sounds odd to you?
Especially alongside ops ex having had sex with her (apparently) once in their entire relationship, virtually never socialising with her etc.

It doesn't sound like he's gotten into a relationship in the 10 years since they separated either )?

Op feels instinctively there's something not quite right about the relationship (and has for a long time) and feels guilt about it .. I'm inclined to trust op's instincts & intuition.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 20:21

(Or if not odd dysfunctional/unhealthy).

Haffiana · 27/04/2019 20:52

@Moralitym1n1 I don't know if it is odd and I am not certain of OP's perspective. I don't know why her son does not appear to have had an upbringing with influences from both his parents and seems to have no meaningful relationship with his mother. I don't know why he prefers his father. I don't know why 'two peas in a pod' upsets OP apart from the fact that they are alike, very close and clearly get on well together.

I am quite positive that the father being gay (if he is) would have no bearing on it though. Nor would the fact that OP's sex life with the boys father was non-existent.

Or does being gay and/or not liking sex and separating from your wife make your relationship with your own son somehow weird and suspect?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 21:35

Haffiana - there are a huge no of assumptions on the first part of your post.

The second - yes I do find the abnormality of his relationship with op, combined with the apparently overly close, exclusive, controlling, mini me, misogyny-teaching relationship he's built with his son. Other posters with similar experiences have identified with how op was alienated and marginalised from her son by her husband.

I don't wtf he is exactly - other than weird.

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 21:36

*in

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 21:37

Sorry " I do find .." was supposed to end with "weird and suspect".

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 21:38

*I don't know wtf he is ..

Haffiana · 27/04/2019 21:54

combined with the apparently overly close, exclusive, controlling, mini me, misogyny-teaching relationship he's built with his son

Moralitym1n1 I am sorry but you are also making a huge number of assumptions, and 'other posters' have also diagnosed narcissism (ffs) and all sorts of things.

OP posted about the possibility of having been a beard and this making her head explode, and the rest of what she posted about her husband was in that possible light.

Hence why I simply asked OP to clarify some of the things she said.

Northernparent68 · 27/04/2019 22:06

Op, I think you need to discuss this with a therapist, is your reluctance to get a divorce a cultural issue

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 22:55

No, that's from what op has stated; her son now makes the misogynist comments her ex makes, her son can only go out with his friends if ex allows it (a 19 yr old!), at 19 I was away at uni and my parents didn't have a clue what I was up to; when I was at home, if wouldn't have ever occurred to them or me that I needed permission to go out, there wax no question of it. She's said they do everything together, like a couple .. is that normal for s 19 yr old young man - usually friends, girlfriends etc come far before spending time and doing things with your parent. The peas in a pod thing - of course it could just be resemblance etc but with the background ..
He had him working for him, with a higher salary than he'd get elsewhere - generosity or making sure the 'deal' is more attractive than anything others can offer him at that age. It's all rather insular; why isn't he off at college already, house sharing, having a girlfriend etc.?

As ive said before it's op's instinctive discomfort that strikes me as well, I trust women's instincts (,and this man's behaviour in his marriage I'd downright weird to boot).

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 22:55

*is

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 22:57

Then there's the apparently lack of a partner in ex's life; normal for a well adjusted (or even not well adjusted) adult man?

Moralitym1n1 · 27/04/2019 22:58

I do agree for people trying to comment, some things could be clarified.

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 09:47

I'm sorry if I have been vague at all. It hasn't been intentional. Just difficult.

When I read the post about being jealous of their relationship, how well they get on etc, that is how I want it to be. I want to be wrong if that makes sense. I just don't think I am.

When son was about 16, he joined the gym. Dad didn't like that. I can remember him saying that his physique would never change and why was he bothering. That and shouting which he used to do a lot. Not so much now and I can't help feeling that it's because son doesn't step out of line much anymore. Might be relevant here to say that son is tall, slim and handsome, dad is short, overweight and balding!

If son ever said that he was going out with friends - he gets the and ditching me now are you etc? But I've bought steak now. Things like that.

I must be getting boring now. I could go on for ever I think!

I'm not really sure why I haven't got divorced other than not wanting to rock the boat. I tried years ago and was shouting about the unreasonable behaviour I cited. I wouldn't need to do that now it's been so long.

When we first seperated, a solicitor drew up an agreement which I was meant to sign. (I haven't). That I would have the lion's share of the property but pay him £15,000 back in 5 years or so. That I would relinquish my rights to anything from his business (hadn't crossed my mind that I had any). Few things about maintenence.

I suppose I get a bit worried as to what he'll have up his sleeve if I file for divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 09:52

I'm sorry if I have been vague at all. It hasn't been intentional. Just difficult.

When I read the post about being jealous of their relationship, how well they get on etc, that is how I want it to be. I want to be wrong if that makes sense. I just don't think I am.

When son was about 16, he joined the gym. Dad didn't like that. I can remember him saying that his physique would never change and why was he bothering. That and shouting which he used to do a lot. Not so much now and I can't help feeling that it's because son doesn't step out of line much anymore. Might be relevant here to say that son is tall, slim and handsome, dad is short, overweight and balding!

If son ever said that he was going out with friends - he gets the and ditching me now are you etc? But I've bought steak now. Things like that.

I must be getting boring now. I could go on for ever I think!

I'm not really sure why I haven't got divorced other than not wanting to rock the boat. I tried years ago and was shouting about the unreasonable behaviour I cited. I wouldn't need to do that now it's been so long.

When we first seperated, a solicitor drew up an agreement which I was meant to sign. (I haven't). That I would have the lion's share of the property but pay him £15,000 back in 5 years or so. That I would relinquish my rights to anything from his business (hadn't crossed my mind that I had any). Few things about maintenence.

I suppose I get a bit worried as to what he'll have up his sleeve if I file for divorce.

OP posts:
Qweenbee · 28/04/2019 10:56

Have you spoken to your son about why he does as his dad says all the time? I'm thinking he might need therapy of some sort.
Does son appear happy?

Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 11:09

I have spoken to him yes. Over many years. Remember though that this his normal and his father treats him like his friend. Yes, he's a very happy son.

He's been brought up hearing that I'm mad, bad, bi-polar, mentally unstable - you name it I've been called it.

Time will tell. The post was about me getting over my feelings though. I hope that doesn't sound selfish.

To the poster who asked what is our relationship like - son is very interested in politics (obviously his views are similar to his dad's). I'm not but we do have the same sort of sense of humour. I also have no interest in sport apart from the odd big event.

Something I remember son saying when he was a very little boy - Dad spoils things sometimes doesn't he? So sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Guardsman18 · 28/04/2019 11:14

Another thing I remember was when son was about 3/4. He was in our bed in the morning and we were going out for the day.

When I came back from the bathroom, son said, it's just me and dad today mum. I'm dad's boy today, all dad's.

Maybe I'm over reacting. Just doesn't sit right with me that's all.

OP posts:
nakedscientist · 28/04/2019 12:29

Guardsman
You sound lovely and very wounded by this emotional leach of a man.

You need support in real life and perhaps CBT may help. Go to your GP, coercive control is a crime. Calling you mad, bi polar etc when you are not sounds very nasty and controlling.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:05

Maybe I'm over reacting

I don't think so at all from the examples you've given. Your husband's behaviour (and there's not even saying there's anything sexual about it) creeps me out.

Also, even if you had MH problems, your ex had no right at all to call you derogatory names and put you down. But in any case it sounds like more classic abuse.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft's "inside the minds of angry and controlling men"? It's mostly about physical abusers bug a lot applies to mental ones as well. I can email you a pdf if you want. It's a simple text, an easy place to start.

Get yourself a very good divorce lawyer when you decide to divorce, get what you're due, don't let him set any terms or demand anything. He sounds v manipulative and controlling in general.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:06

*Your husband's behaviour towards your son

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:12

The more I dwell on his behaviour towards you during your marriage and his behaviour towards your son; your ex is one strange strange man.

He excluded you from his life/social life most of the time when you were together, didn't want a sex life with you, and had very clearly find everything he can to separate your son emotionally from you and bind him to himself.

He's been happy to scare you/discourage you from divorcing him and leaving things in a status quo that suits him indefinitely too.

Yes I do think the relationship/marriage was an attempt at a cover for things that are not remotely normal or well adjusted about him.

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:13

*tried everything

Moralitym1n1 · 28/04/2019 13:15

How intentional/conscious that was, I don't know.

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