Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

@Lydiathetattooedlady I think I'd find this really difficult - the social media stuff is a minefield. My preferred option is not to use it all - I'd rather not know what's going on than give in to the overthinking demons which tell me "he liked her photo, he obviously fancies her..." Re WhatsApp, I don't have read or last seen on - I can only see when my contacts are online - it works for me.

You say you get on really well but what do you want long term? Will you be happy with this status quo in a year's time? Fun is great and certainly a great distraction from the daily grind of being mum/working etc, but can you rely on him in a fix or will he blow you off for a night out with his mates rather than come over and help you mop up a flooded washing machine? Perhaps the reason you can't just relax an enjoy it for whatever "it" is, is perhaps because subconsciously you want a little bit more than what he is prepared to offer you?

Sorry to hear everyone's experience of the ending of short term relationships causing the most heartache. That's been my experience also, particularly when there was no indication that the other party was not happy.

I need some advise on MrCornish please - possibly from the guys here? He is absolutely one of the sweetest, lovliest, most caring, gentle, placid, laid back etc guys I have ever met, but he is so lacking in confidence . I like a confident (but not cocky) man. When we message and chat on the phone he is like a different person though - he's on fire - funny, confident, sexy etc, but when we're together (and we've met 3 times now) he just seems really nervous of me. I've chatted to a couple of RL friends about this today and they say I do come across as v.confident, but in a funny way, not in an over bearing "I'm the boss" way, but he may be a little intimidated by me.

I can't change who I am likewise he can't change himself but knowing he can do the confident bit online, he must have it in him to do it, so how do I get him to relax a little more when we're together? Is it just a time thing? Should I give it longer or accept that a lot of people just can't get it from screen to real life (also vice versa?) We're due to meet again on Saturday night, so any advice would be greatly appreciated - feels like a slow burn at the moment, and that's really not my thing - I need that sparky banter and fizzy feeling, but I'd really like to try and get over this otherwise I'm going to lose interest

@JeSuisPrest Don't fret, he basically sounds a bit like me. Definitely a time thing. It will come.

By the way, if he really likes you it will be worse. I get ever so nervous when I know I really like someone and want it to go somewhere and I suspect it comes across that I am intimidated by them.

I know it comes across as ever so unattractive because I know how much confidence means to women in a man but I just can't help it.

mrdrummer and jesuis thank you for replying. He had messages back, he was at a friend's and then he's going to see his dad. I think mrdrummer with regards to messaging later, his friends have said he's awful at replying to them and I'm lucky I hear from him on a daily basis. jesuis I have terrible trust issues. I've been cheated on, which resulted in my now having an Sti forever (genital warts) which he does know about and was absolutely fine with. To clarify we didn't have sex on the night we met it's was only recently due to this. I've also been in an emotionally abusive marriage for 12 years so my guards are up and whilst I've been dating if I see even a snippet of this behaviour I end it. I'm not sure why I can't relax, I don't think I actually believe in a "forever" partner but I do believe in manogomy whilst in a relationship . I did have a wobble when we'd had a night out 3 weeks ago and he gave me his phone to go through, I didn't as I don't want to be that person. But my self worth is so low that I have no idea why a guy so much younger than myself would be interested?

@JeSuisPrest is he just protecting himself until he gets to trust you? Perhaps as soon as he gets used to you he might start to drop the wall, and start to act open. At the moment he might be feeling that he doesnt know how you are going to behave and act, thinking she might hurt me. He might not feel confident in the relationship yet. Some men have learned that cocky persona so that women dont realise that he is not confident as have women. Your persona might mean he is not confident in person, but was happy to communicate behind a persona.

What does he do for a living? is he in a relatively senior position, people are often confident in one situation but not in another, but gain that confidence after experience. If he is confident in other situations, public speaking, meeting strangers that it may come in your relationship. If he is an a subordinate position elsewhere in his life that he may not have what you need.

The feeling we have learnt nothing and have ‘done it again’. And the worry it’s somehow our fault and what we deserve sad

I'm sick of this feeling. It's so dispiriting :(

What percentages of happy relationships do you think are down to luck (i.e. being in the right place @ the right time) and what percentage are due to romantic 'smarts'? (i.e. a natural inclination towards healthy interactions).

@JeSuisPrest Your persona might mean he is not confident in person, but was happy to communicate behind an online persona. That should read.

Hello everyone

Haven't read back yet. Sorry. Drink with Mr Fridge is still on. Loo update later....

jesuis time required to build trust and comfort I'd say

JeSuisPrest

This part stuck out for me;

“He is absolutely one of the sweetest, lovliest, most caring, gentle, placid, laid back etc guys I have ever met”

That’s just a load of different adjectives to describe a basically nice human being! There’s nothing there about being a spark or fire or desire or that he’s sexy or attractive to you. Some people can do the confidence thing via message - I know I can, and I also know for me it takes me a while to become comfortable with someone in order to open up and be that confident person. It took me about four dates, and by then I was this sexy, confident character that I was via message.

Do you have a spark with him when you meet him? Does he make you feel like you want to go to bed with him immediately? As if it’s confidence, it really will come over time with him. If not, and he is just a nice guy with an online confident persona, he may not be the right person for you.

@JeSuisPrest

he may be a little intimidated by me.

even I am intimidated by you!

I used to be like Mr. Cornish. In fact I am a bit, still. I am still really shy as hell to start with, although I push myself these days to compensate. My last LTR felt quite teenager-y at the start and while it felt brilliant, it actually made me quite nervous... the familiar demons of "well, this is too good to be true; something is bound to fuck it up". Grade A self-sabotage.

@Kerkyra remarked the other day that I am quite a different person in real life compared to text... much more laid-back... less intense (apparently). I am just as quick-witted IRL, but it doesn't always come out. I hold back. Fear of the words not coming out right, or getting the timing wrong.... or fear of just not being funny! No problem with that in text. I have all the time in the world to get the words right, timing isn't a problem, and if it isn't funny, then I don't get to see the "wtf" expression.

What I am spending too many words trying to say is I think he needs more time to believe that he is equal to you. It may never happen though. I think it is relatively easy to charm someone via text, ten times harder to do it in real life.

Sorry to hear everyone is having such a tough time. I've recently got my fingers burnt after starting dating again after 8yrs, it didn't end well.
Anyway I got straight back online and chatting to what I thought was a new iron, was going well and we had arranged to meet this evening for a coffee/drink, then nothing, radio silence when I sent one message to confirm if it was still on. What's wrong with people, why cant they just say if they have changed minds. I'm a grown up and can take that, it's the just ignoring that's annoying.
I'm not letting it put me off but you don't half need a thick skin for dating these days!

I feel like it's a mix of luck and smarts right? Lucky to meet the right person for you and smart enough to know it. My daughter's dad and me didn't work out for a ton of reasons but hes an emotionally available man good in many many ways but it just fell apart. Quite badly at the time but now we're freinds. In all honesty i have had periods of real regret around it ending. I ended it. But I can see both the decision to go into it and get out of it were both healthy choices at the time

You can't make it up
He just cancelled. Not at all surprised.

@Lolajane44 ugh. First date?

Does he make you feel like you want to go to bed with him immediately?

Yes and no. I find him physically attractive, but I've had much more of a sexual spark with a couple of others and I think I am looking for that kind of desire again - for me it's knowing someone desires me as much as I desire them - that's a real turn on. I just don't think he's that kind of "knicker ripping off, I've got to have you here and now" kind of guy (though online he has said otherwise and the kitchen table got a mention). It's more have a nice evening, watch a film, have a kiss and cuddle on the sofa then go to bed for admittedly quite good sex.

even I am intimidated by you! Love you too MrDrummer I hear what you're saying. I think maybe I'm self sabotaging as well - why would this really nice guy with no baggage and no ego to massage possibly be interested in me? Let's fuck it up in the usual JeSuis way and get it over and done with so I can get back to the ONS, keep your heart safe and don't get too close to anyone way of "dating".

Re the confusion, I've been there done that's with a man who wasn't confident and so looked to me to build his self esteem. I won't do it again.

Yep supercali I even had expected he'd do this.

Lesson learned about being wank fodder on fab...

@Lolajane44 funny how you can see them coming a mile off sometimes eh?

@JeSuisPrest I have to admit. I broke off a 2 month thing with a man who was great in every way for me. I felt secure. Attracted to him physically. Sex was good but that grrrrr feeling just wasn't there. He wasn't .....like your fella...as confident as I like. I waited. Slow burn maybe. But it never happened.

Very true supercali Yet still I have the very slightly tears in my eyes of embarrassment for hoping my instinct was wrong after he confirmed the date. No lunch and two gnts aren't helping.

jeSuis your mr Cornish sounds safe. As in he isn't going to give you amazing fanny gallops but sounds steady and maybe a good bet for a long term. If you're anything like me, you aren't used to this and may miss the excitement a less emotionally available man gives. He does sound lovely though and I would keep going and see how you feel,it's such early days

Sorry so many are feeling shit. I feel disheartened by it too. One let down after another

@Lydiathetattooedlady I'm seeing a guy 15 years younger than me. I'm 50. It's good. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit old. And trapped. But he seems to be more besotted than me. We both know it doesn't have a future but we're both ok with that. I guess we don't need each other. Both have friends, busy lives etc. I see him at least twice a week, more if possible. It's only been a couple of months though. I know it will hurt when it ends but then I know I can deal with it.

@JeSuisPrest I'm not sure you're that keen on mr Cornish. Sounds like he's who you think you should be with because he's nice. After a couple of weeks I wouldn't be happy with watch a film go to bed have sex. Sex during the film. But if you can wait til after welll....

@Peanuthedz You do have a point about the sex after the film. Early days of relationships, I have planned film, meal and sex and ended up not seeing the film or indeed eating anything (well, I say anything ).