Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

Morning everyone.

Nothing to report. Need to rouse myself to open pof and engage in more mundane conversation. Oh joy.

Thanks all. I know that what I struggle with is how he had been the one to push the relationship forward and then when he came to break up he said the spark had gone he world not be able to every live me as he should and then that there'd always been "something missing".

This was so wildly at odds with his behaviour in and the reality of the relationship I actually laughed. It was like his head was suddenly at "Eeep the sparks gone just for one day! I must find negatives and flee".

In my unsent letter to him I say this:
".... you weren't interested in me offering to stand by you through rough times. You weren't prepared to give us that opportunity. Instead you suggested there was "always something missing" (a statement so wildly at odds with the caring, loving and enthusiastic person who'd driven our relationship forward. Now suddenly switched; trying to erase what we had making it appear as a fiction on your side in an attempt to destroy any future and our past) whilst also saying that you might be making the biggest mistake of your life and that you still found me attractive. You couldn't comfort me with a hug and say you'd miss me because that would have been a rational, empathetic act. Rationality had gone, you said you weren't making the decision with your head".

It was just cruel - like he was negating what we'd had, what he'd built to assuage his own guilt. I didn't ditch the relationship when I had doubts, I worked them through.

Urgh. Rambling but it might be helpful to some one in same situation.

Had a situation with Mr S that I’m not ready to share but think I might be joining the heartbroken bench shortly. It’s been interesting to see how many of us are so badly affected by the breakdown of a short term relationship and the thoughts and advice shared.

For me I definitely think it’s the loss of thinking that we had finally got it right, learned from our past experiences and reaping the rewards, seeing the possibility of a life with a happy and fulfilling relationship lying ahead of us only finding ourselves back to square one. The feeling we have learnt nothing and have ‘done it again’. And the worry it’s somehow our fault and what we deserve :(

coldlocation his sudden change is very odd. Has it been 2 weeks with no contact at all? I’m worried what he will do when his emotions change and if he will come running back to you begging forgiveness. It sounds like this has the potential to be a rollercoaster.

Well I’m knackered, been awake since 4:30 as the sproglet had a raging temperature, I’m fairly sure he has chicken pox, I’ve just had a week and a half holiday from work, great bloody timing.

Anyway.

We decided to meet at a bar in Soho as it’s quite quiet in the week. Anyway, we talked about extinction rebellion and how we had both failed to take part, what work we both do (that’s very grown up right), it also turns out we grew up in the same area. Then like music, film, TV, hobbies etc.

Anyway. He is very attractive, slim, curly and tall. His flat was a handy ten minute walk too.

@Notcoolmum yep 2 weeks, 2 days no contract. He said I'd never see him again, at least but did a long time/until a lot of time has passed as altho he lives very near by our social circles have no natural overlap. He was adamant during the break up convo that we can't ever go back as he'll just have doubts /anxieties again down the line when we were more attached and enmeshed and we'd both be hurt and I'd never now be able to trust or believe him as I'd always be questioning where his head was at or if he was gong to run off into his world of stress.

At my request he's changed the locations he works from so he's not near my work and I don't see his bike outside the cafe at lunch break etc.

"but did" = "not for"

@coldlocation I feel like drama lies ahead with this man, like heavy lovebombing to the max. Please look after yourself and as others might have said, try not to tie yourself in knots trying to work things out. For whatever reason, he doesn't want this. You deserve someone who can keep your mind at peace rather than dragging you into more stress.

But he also said that if he came back to you, you were to turn him down? coldlocation. Gah seeing his bike and things would be very hard.

With my last partner who cheated on me and therefore it ended very quickly we had thankfully stopped working at the same place but did have a few cases together. He tried to avoid meetings but we did have a conference we were both at (I had to sit in the presenters table directly facing him) and also I bumped into him and his now wife on a night out. Thankfully he has moved very far away now so I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

And Mr S and I live miles apart and in different circles so once it’s over it’s really over. He doesn’t even have social media to stalk. :(

@coldlocation - The more I hear about this, the more I think he is telling you what he is - massively unreliable. I know it's hard atm but consider yourself lucky that you didn't get to the stage of making life changes for him. He's not for you. The negating of what you had is unforgivable. I couldn't go back from that. Get angry, stab a potato works for me and move on when you're ready.

simonJT good date then? Seeing him again?

What an awesome bunch you guys are. I felt so miserable yesterday and you guys really really helped me

Update. I didn’t message Mr Big. Arranged a date with Mr Tall and started talking to a few new irons and lo and behold Mr Big contacted me. Very apologetic for cancelling and for been quieter for a few days, genuinely been ill etc, back to normal level of affection so we are talking again and I might have overreacted thinking he was trying to ghost me 🙈
BUT my misery yesterday has made me realise this cannot go on. We actually cannot see each other for about 4 weeks now due to work trips/ holidays. I am going to concentrate on my other irons and see how it goes. I am really enjoying talking to Mr Tall again and we are having drinks tomorrow evening

@Eesha no. I think he's truly gone for good. He has a handful of friends who for various reasons have chosen to be single, I think he sees that ss his immediate future. He has a group of mates who go to the pub after work regularly, there's always someone for company at the pub if he wants a chat. He is a serious amatuer musician alongside his day job and he has gigs and festivals he's performing at most weekends may-late August and a couple of conferences for work, and a huge workload so plenty to keep him busy, occupied and away from pining for me. I'm on the other hand stuck in being mum lots an my social circle is almost entirely smug marrieds so don't need a sad sack singleton on a dull sun day.... I know I will pick myself up eventually... But...

@Notcoolmum sorry to hear you might end up on this bench soon...

... My mum suggested I look online, "get back in the saddle" at least go on some dates too keep busy/make friends. I'm at the stage of 'but none of them are HIM' and I never ever want to hurt this much again I can't imagine dating, it just makes me feel sick at the mo.

@coldlocation being a SAHM myself, I feel your pain at the contrasting lifestyles but he is telling you he isn't right for you, for whatever reason. You will be ok, this will pass, so many people on here have had bad situations and have bounced back. You will get through this.

coldlocation I think I would jump back on the apps for distraction but not sure that would be the right thing to do. You must process this and get through it the best way for you. You need to grieve and heal. Xxx

@Eesha rationally I know all this... If he wanted to be with me or having a shot at a happy loving relationship I was offering he'd be here. He's not, he's gone, the reasons are irrelevant... It just bloody hurts and I feel so shit. I can't get out of the "why", "what did I do wrong" brain loop.

Thank you all for long words

Kind words even...

He’s very grandiose and over dramatic @coldlocation. It’s like the breakup speech of an emo teenager. That’ll be messing with your feelings and though processes more than necessary.

I think you should maybe give yourself a bit of time to get over things before going back to swiping. You just aren’t in the right place right now.

cold you didn't do anything wrong. Your confusion is completely justified. A bolt out of the blue like that is a body blow.
notcool so sorry to hear things have taken a different turn. We're all here for you.
This thread is a lifeline! I only have married/partnered friends and no-one to talk to IRL. Thank god for you lot!

I’m so glad it’s going so well for you @shitwithsugaron. MrBookworm sounds great.

Just catching up on the thread and wow! Some of us have really been hit hard this week.

@Notcoolmum I hope everything is ok with you. Here if you need anything.

Thank you for the kind words yesterday.

It's def going to be the NC that is going to hurt me this week. But I've been here before.

A quick update, the girl contacted me last night. I think this "mutual" person has told her. She wouldn't say. But she is heartbroken 21yrs old and he is 47. Been with him 3 years. He's admitted everything to her about me and said he needed to meet me to see what he wanted from his life and to make that choice. (She showed me the text). I do feel sorry for her as she's so young and is at uni.

I still can't get my head around why a 47 year old man would be in a relationship with a 21 year old. But I've not spoken to him at all about it. I've blocked him and I'm trying to move on.

Advice I would give to others going through heartbreak. You will miss them but often It's only the attention and contact you miss. Once you get past a few days of NC it get easier.

My heart is not in it, but I'm swiping on OLD!!

WE WERE perfectly fine before them and WE'LL BE FINE again.

Yes. It’s such a huge turnaround to our posts from this time last year. What an enormous improvement there’s been in our lives.

(Although I have had an incidence of ex-WTFery this week, of the kind I had to chronicle last year. MrSG was here to witness it and it’s so great to have someone else be completely unable to make sense of ex’s actions. Obviously it was still horrible but it’s great to have someone else’s reaction make it clear that it is definitely not me that’s being a nightmare. And I could shut the door on him too, which is so much better. The arsehole actually tried to force it back open though; he’s unbelievable).

I bet being fully and finally divorced feels brilliant.

I think the fact he was a 44 year old man that started a relationship with an 18 year old suggests quite strongly that he’s a creep, @lifegoes.

You deserve better. And she deserves better too.

Ugh lifegoes 21 and 47 isn’t right imho. That’s almost the age gap between me and my eldest. I would question why a grown man would want to date someone so young. And also what issues have led her to being with someone old enough to be her dad. And it’s clearly not a ‘they were just meant to be together vibe’ as he’s been talking to and sleeping with at least one other person that we know of.

I so want you to have a great date. And then him not be a twat!!

Thanks shitwith I hope not too. I’m glad things are going so well with Mr Bookworm.

marlboro interesting Mr Big seeks you out when you go quiet on him.