Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

Aw peanut so glad you had your helmet on and Mr Unsuitable is looking after you. Sorry you’re in pain

Oh dear peanut, have you been checked over for broken bits? Are you awaiting a massive crop of bruises?!

Had a crap last minute date from Bumble last night.

Flip flops in April, complete with grubby toes. He smelt. AND referred to his ex as "evil". AND managed to call me "stupid" within the first 5 minutes .

Mercifully, it was both nearby and short. But hey, I can be sure of seeing him again, because it turns out he does gardening for my childminder's neighbours! Aaaargh.

for the people having a hard time
So much kind and great advice here

I think @richdeniro‘s right that with longer term relationships you can sometimes see the end coming a long way off. It’s like a slow demise and then you can almost be relieved that it was over. That is kind of what it was like with my ex. The break up was pretty much an inevitability for probably the last 8 years of the relationship; it was definitely a case of when rather than if. By the final end, there was no relationship left at all.

It’s the unexpected break ups that really get you (which can happen in any length of relationship to be fair). You see that on MN all the time where posters are blindsided by their husband’s affair or whatever. It’s very hard to process when it comes as a shock. I remember being dumped once in my 20s and it was a total shock. We’d had a nice afternoon together with absolutely no indication anything was amiss and when I saw him later in evening he dumped me. I still remember the shock and confusion; it was awful.

It’s definitely reasonable to grieve the end of a relationship. And 8 months is a proper length of time - you will have started to fit into each other’s lives and be looking to the future. So there’s a real feeling of loss to grieve.

The accident sounds awful @Peanuthedz. I’m glad MrU is looking after you.

That sounds like some date @crackofdoom. He’s probably the sort that will message with some suggestion that you might want to repeat it. The awful ones so often fail to recognise when it’s gone dreadfully.

Ah, no, I think he was similarly unimpressed by me, crustaceans. I may have come across as rather.....aloof and distant. Can't think why .

Absolutely not your fault lifegoes

Peanut that sounds awful, glad you're being looked after.

Oh how grim crack 😨

Peanut My only major bike accident involved some quite serious concussion, was very handy as I have no memory of the painful bits at all, I still ride sans safety gear now

If you have not been put off riding altogether, don't be afraid to ask for bike repair advice, velocipede wrangling is my preternatural ability

Nowthe cry as much as you need. I did crying, and angry singing to Rolling in the Deep. Let it out ((hugs)) you will survive but you have to go through it to get to the other side and it's hideous.

I think this would be my go-to break up song. (Don’t play in on speakers at work though).

Crustaceans- ❤️ That!

I’m so glad you’re all recognising 8 months as a proper relationship - i’ve Been telling myself it wasn’t that long and I should be feeling better 2 weeks on, but I’m really not. If anything it’s getting worse at the moment when I remember thing we have done, or had planned. It’s like a void in my life. I was just thinking how can he go from speaking to me every day, to nothing - how do you cut yourself off from that? But then it comes back to the beginning and I didn’t really know him at all, and then the crying starts again..... I don’t think I have ever felt this low and it’s really hard to deal with. The kind words and advice on here are invaluable though, I just need to find the motivation to act on them

@Nowthefunbegins Oh 8 months is a long time especially if it was fairly intense and you did fall for him. I had a breakup last year that I won't go into as I've posted about it ad nauseam and that only lasted 7 months but it was the hardest thing I've ever gone through and even now I still find myself feeling the pain.

My advice is to ensure you go no contact as best you can and just be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to work through the pain and don't bottle anything up. If you feel the need to write stuff down, do it, write letters to him (but don't send them), just get it all out. I found going to the gym a lot helped and because I kept waking up early due to the stress kicking in I joined a local swimming pool and used to go a 6am in the morning.

Don't be afraid to get a little therapy if you think it will help you work through it, does the world of good.

@Nowthefunbegins

Have you thought of calling the Samaritans? It might be good to have someone present to vent the pain to. Doesn't matter how long or short something is, if you feel the pain, you feel the pain. I took prescribed lorazepam after the break-up of a 4.5 month relationship. Really helped on a couple of the tougher days.

@Crustaceans - exactly as you say, the dreams and hopes are all loaded at the start of a relationship before any kind of realism delusion sets in. So it makes sense that breaking up at the 3-6 month stage is harder than finally ending a marriage which is in a long, slow nosedive, which for me was something of a liberation to offset the pain.

I'd not been outside of a relationship for a continuous 23 years before divorce - so really felt like I was clumsily having to learn how to date from the beginning. I think in hindsight my over-investment resulted in my dates feeling pressured and drove away one date after two months. With the woman I've been seeing for three months now, I think I came close to doing it again. But our big strength is being able to talk about our feelings. We manage to share with each a load of other things from our pasts that we've not managed to talk to anyone else about before, not even close friends.

I'm still thinking this relationship is going to involve lots of work, but her huge capacity for emotional (and physical) intimacy is worth an awful lot to me.

Just wanted to echo others to say rich your second to last post was full of wise words.
peanut wishing you a speedy recovery.

Just to say that neither of my two marriages, one 5 yrs, the second 10 yrs, hurt me more upon ending than the 6 month relationship last year. I never knew such pain, suffering and torture is possible and that it can last and last without any hope of respite.

@Nowthefunbegins I keep typing a reply to you it keeps getting eaten.

My relationship was only 5 months but the abrupt ending has just floored me, I cry all the time. I think it's getting worse as as time goes on thy reality that he's not going to call and say its all a big mistake is slowly sibling on on one level.

As I said in the one and only message I sent to him the morning after the break up: "I'm struggling, reeling recalling that you were in my bed, cuddling me, complimenting me, telling me I was making you happy and reassuring me all was OK as I'd had a relationship wobble. That on Sunday you were saying how kissable my neck is, Monday you were proposing tessellating plans to include your son... ". It was Tuesday at 5 pm he was on the doorstep to break up.

I ve written a long letter... Cathartic to write but I haven't sent it... I might yet...

I dream we are back together then wake up with a pit in my stomach.

It really really sucks. I'm bored of being a weepy miserable mess, I dread starting again, he was my idea of physical perfection (6ft 6, slim) and I loved his lifestyle and we had lovely plans.

It's really really shit.

For fuck sake... Typos...my phone hates me too...

@coldlocation I completely understand what you’re saying - I feel like the wind has been completely taken from my sails and I’m a snivelling wreck. My friends have been good, but I don’t think they really get it, and probably think I’m being a bit of a drama queen now. One has suggested some counselling though - as did @richdeniro. I think I might look at that even though it feels a bit dramatic. We will all get through this, but when we’re in the midst of all the hurt, and lost dreams, it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

This happened me too out of the blue after 6 months. I was a mess much more than my marriage at the time. It makes sense though as others have said marriage is not right for a while yet this is good then nothing. All I can say is you will get though it just be kind to yourself

@Nowthefun Be kind to yourself. No-one else walks in your shoes or has the right to decide whether you have the right to mourn a relationship ending.
I am slightly different to a lot of people on here in that my marriage ending came as a huge surprise and absolutely floored me. As far as I was concerned that was it for me.
16 months later I’m over the shock and initial grief but it doesn’t take much to send me back there. Grief is tough but you are tougher xx

I hope everyone who is hurting so deeply will benefit from posting here, and from the amazing support that this thread often provides.

Hugs for you all.