Dating Thread 156 - It is hot hot hot

[midcenturylegs]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Link to previous thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3543468-dating-thread-152-onwards-and-upwards

I have had similar by a guy who, frankly, looked like Roland Rat

What the hell is going on??

I didn't know how bad things had got, he alluded to having MH issues that he'd hidden from me and would occasionally say 'this is all so lovely but you're going to discover I'm a fuck up and dump me' or 'this is all so good now but in 5 years time this will all have turned to shit and resentment and you'll hate me' ....I'd tell him to slow down, live for now, not worry about the future.

He had had a series of 'bad' things happen in the days prior to the split - failure to secure a funding grant for work, delays in his protracted divorce (he was 2 years post split, he'd had short relationship last summer so I wasn't his first post split re bound) meaning his mortgage offer and related conveyancing was in jeopardy and stress re custody/child care arrangments.

He totally included me in his life - more so than I had in mine, his friends all liked me and told him I was good for him and a couple have even reached out to me to say they're so sorry since we broke up.

coldlocation he sounds quite manipulative and controlling tbh. The situation has always been about him, and then he throws a pity party for himself. What a dick. He must be getting a power kick. At least your children were saved from any unnecessary bonding. Sorry you're hurting. No contact is the right thing to do here.

Insisting that the other person contacts you first within a timeframe which is only inside your head, is just handing them all the responsibility and power.

Possibly. But I thought men were programmed to "enjoy the chase" and disrespect women who pursue?

@coldlocation so sorry for your situation. It seems like the issue is him not being able to cope with his life, rather than you in any way. If I were you, I'd leave him to find himself. It doesn't sound like he is malicious, sounds more like he is having a breakdown. I think take some time to look after yourself rather than let this drag you down.

looupdate are you me?

coldlocation how awful for you. What a dreadful thing to happen. I have no words!

@lifegoes I'm so sorry to read about your experience. Are you sure she isn't his daughter/stepdaughter?

@crustaceans Fabulous news!!

@LooUpdate Why do you want to hear from him again if he didn't light your fire?

On the distance issue, my BF lives 21 miles away, which is 45 mins drive if no traffic (in the dead of night) or 1 to 1.5 hrs away in the daytime. We are making it work because we want to see each other. He comes to me more often as I have young DC and there is more to do on a weekend round my way, so I try and make up for that by cooking dinner for him sometimes.

I wouldn't consider it a long distance relationship, but I'm rural and distance is less relevant than travelling time here.

My point is that if I had limited my pool by stipulating a short distance then I never would have met him.

Thanks for all the love....much needed. I've started a mindfulness course, wept all over my friends, and I did message him the day after the break up just to say the only way I could process this was by viewing his 'viseral' feeling as being a physical manifestation of his stress, him being on the cusp of a breakdown and NOTHING to do with my behaviour in the relationship .He agreed that that was indeed the case but it didn't change anything (erm...I didn't expect it to!).

When he was here breaking up and collecting his things he said he needed me to reach a point/headspace wehre I'd never take him back when he comes begging me back as I'm too sane and he'd just drag me into his shit, negativity and MH issues and I'd learn what a fuck up he is and that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life....

It might all have been BS but there were external factors and I'm sad he wasn't prepared to let me try and ride out the storm with him and offer him some stability. He was in the mire, his self care and resillience were waay down (he'd been properly upset by his best mate ribbing him gently in the pub the week before, he'd stopped shaving and was changing his clothes less frequently, he was having an IBS flare up etc...I just didn't put all these things together at the time).

@coldlocation Blimey, that sounds dramatic. I agree it sounds like he is not coping with life/his MH issues. Take a step back and consider you've got out of this mess just in time.

@LooUpdate The 'chase', losing respect and playing silly communication games is just a) old fashioned, b) immature and c) a waste of everyone's time.

I know a lot of women like to be put on a pedestal, pursued, contacted first, etc etc. And I think a lot of men lose out because they don't play that game well enough. But you are both adults and life is too short for that Princess/Knight crap.

wow coldlocation it doesn't sound like he is in a good place at all. Hard to see it now, but you have escaped being dragged down into his rabbit hole. Is he seeking any help for his issues? It sounds ike he could do with being seen by his GP and accessing counselling and perhaps some anti-depressants. What would you do if he does come back and ask for another chance? It's a bit cruel of him to suggest he might do that and that YOU have to be the one to turn him down :(

Oh dear coldlocation sounds like he's really not in a good place poor man, but with children involved you can't afford to get dragged into this. I'm so sorry though.

@coldlocation oh blimey that all sounds so so horrible for you.
It is ALL about him and nothing to do with you, don't go down that rabbit hole of thinking what if I'd done that, this etc please.. which I know is easy to do. So so sorry for you.

@Marlboroandmalbec34 it's the fags! It's normal. Have a cry, wallow. And in a few days you'll realise it wasn't him st all it was bloody Nick O'Teen. And he really is a lowlife. You tell him to fuck off and he keeps coming back. And how many of us does he have on the go at once?

I just got knocked off my bike. I'm ok but very bashed and bruised. My face is a mess and so is my bike. I'm in a funny old place at the moment

Some of us want daily contact and intense type of relationship within a few weeks.
I'd much rather date someone slowly than rushing in.
Why fall for someone quickly,?

@coldlocation so he's had a breakdown. I know I sound harsh but it sounds like it's probably better that he's walked away from you, hard though that is. It sucks. Sadly I've found that men with mental health problems (make that people) tend to be more sensitive and also more interesting.. if he's unstable after 5 months better not to get further involved esp with kids. Horrible though.

I'm having a very hot bath then retiring to bed with painkillers. Think I'm going to have a rough few days.

Mr Unsuitable is def not breadcrumbing me. He texts/rings all the time. He's coming over now to look after me. And he knows sex is unlikely by the state of me!

@coldlocation I had almost exactly the same scenario 2 weeks ago - we had been together 8 months, getting to know my DD, planning holidays etc then completely out of the blue said is heart wasn’t in it anymore. There were some previous MH issues which I probably ignored to an extent and I don’t think he’s in a good place at the moment. He says I did nothing wrong, it just how he feels - hurts so much though. I’m taking a bit of time to look after myself before I think about dating again - it can be brutal and I don’t think I could cope emotionally with more rejection at the moment. Thinking of you💐

Peanut I hope you are okay. Cyclists are so vulnerable. Both my adult daughters ride bikes and it terrifies me.

Just had to search for the thread as I was still stuck on the old one 🤣

Just had Mr No Hair pop over. After our first date I decided he wasn’t relationship material due to the lack of time he has spare, we haven’t really spoke about it but he knows I’m still on POF. Anyway, today he was working near by so asked if he could pop in for a coffee, I agreed (I have a itch that needs scratching and he looks shagable). It’s was pretty disappointing and not worth it at all. I wish I had gone to see Mr Young instead who messaged me this morning asking me to go over (I stupidly said no).

I don’t have any dates lined up for the weekend, Mr Normals been messaging me about meeting but he’s off on holiday so won’t meet until after. POF seems dead, same old faces, I feel I know most of the people on there in my area.

@Nowthefun....huge sympthetic hugs.

...everyone elese thank you for the continuing kind words, I need to hear them .

@peanuthedz gosh I hope you’re ok! Take it easy.

Nowthefunbegins why do guys do this? I am sorry that this has happened to you too.

I got dumped earlier this year and was told that 'he couldn't give me what I wanted'. When I asked what he thought I wanted he couldn't articulate it, so it was clearly an excuse. I guess I was more fond of him than he was of me. I fully understand that most people start a relationship hoping that it will last, and as they get to know the other person they sometimes realise that it is not working for them, but I wish they wouldn't make such big promises early on. Much better to be honest and say, let's see how it goes, rather than promise the moon on a stick and make plans for holidays etc. (yes that happened to me too). Grrrr!

@LooUpdate For the avoidance of doubt (and sorry if this has already been said, the thread is moving so fast) are you upset because the guy didn't message you just do you could tell him you aren't interested?

@LooUpdate yes you are right which is why I need to be careful

coldlocation you poor thing. I agree with the others that it would have been messy being involved with someone with MH issues.

Peanut I hope you're okay.

Nowthefun